144ish...?

I'm pretty sure my scale might be broken... because I measured my waist, and it's a half inch smaller than it was when I weighed 142 a few weeks ago. Or maybe weight training is paying off??

I sat down this weekend and came up with an ass-kicking weight program. Muscles burn more calories, and I'm tired of flabby arms and abs. BUT, the all-important impending deadline is two weeks away: spring break. I just ordered a bikini, and my goal is to have dropped to at least 140 by the time it comes in. I can definitely do it. I've been very good and healthy up til now, so it shouldn't mess me up too badly.

Before my morning workout, I'll have a piece of toast or a banana. After, I will have a special K protein bar. After that, I can have whatever raw fruits and veggies I want (bananas are limited to 1). And lots of water. LOTS of water. I never realized until today just how much fluid I can put down if I set my mind to it-- in hopes of curing a UTI, I drank an entire bottle of sugar-free cranberry juice in under 2 hours. That is a lot of juice. I think I cured myself :p Oh, and it was worth the 400cal for the whole thing... UTI's are unbearable and I hate them with all of the passion in my body.

Kay. I worked out twice today, am sleepy bunny. I'll check in later in the week.

byeee

???

I'm afraid to get on the scale...

But I have to do it tomorrow morning. It will motivate me to be less fat. I can't decide what eating plan I want to do. I either want to try the Dukan again (last time was a failure) or try a "whole foods" diet-- only eating whole, unprocessed foods like fruit/veggies, oats, eggs, chicken breasts, etc. Basically if it has more than one ingredient (besides spices), I won't eat it. I think this sounds like the best option, since there isn't exactly an abundance of lean protein available 24/7. I might add plain greek yogurt as the only multi-ingredient safe food, since it's good for you and the creamy texture makes me feel like I'm eating something naughty and delicious.

Dear lord. I'm going on spring break in three weeks, my half-year anniversary with my boyfriend is in two, and I just need to not be fat in general. Time to start concentrating on weight loss again; I've realllllly been slacking off.

random, plus side of birth control: my boobs have finally grown into a C... I've always wished they were just a little bit bigger :) Ironically, they're bigger now than they were when I was at my highest weight.

Oh. And something really intense happened two weeks ago.

Like, super intense.

My boyfriend and I were lying awake talking like we always do before bed, and we started getting on really emotional subjects. All of a sudden, I started crying-- I was thinking about this stupid obsession with food and weight. This happens to me occasionally, but I've never told anyone the real reason I'm upset. And I don't know how, but somehow... the truth just came out. I told him about everything, except for the fact that it's not over with, and I felt like this huge weight came off me. And he held me so tight and cried with me and said exactly the right things. He's the only person I have ever told, including my ex, who freaking lived with me for the worst of it and never noticed anything. He told me if I ever needed to talk about anything, to come right to him.

That night made me love him so much more. No one else in the world (well, except for people reading this blog) knows about my problem, except for him. I had no idea having someone to go to would make me feel this much better. I mean, obviously I'm not better like I convinced him I was, but when I'm ready to confront this once and for all-- I know he'll be there for me. And that's a wonderful thought.