Hmm, second post of the day. I wrote this in my journal earlier and I guess I just like everything neat and tidy in one place. Here you go!

I've never gone longer than three days of fasting, should be interesting. Every time I get a craving I'm going to head to studio, since I have so much freaking work to do anyway. Still can't decide if I want to include broth in my fast or not-- maybe tomorrow, if I drink enough water to balance out all that sodium. I've never been this calm about losing weight in a strict period of time before-- normally, I worry about how I'm going to get through it without screwing up, but now all I think about is how amazing I'm going to feel.

I have this (sort of fucked-up?) image in my head of what I'll be like when I get back... I'm wearing one of those loose swing-y shirts, and George grabs me to pick me up and I can feel his fingers on my ribs when he lifts me. Wow that actually sounds kind of gruesome written down, it's honestly not as gross the way I visualize it-- it's more of an imagined sensory experience, it just sound stupid written down anyway.

Also, sort of random and off-topic thing. Without fail, every time I go on a highly restrictive eating plan, some masochistic part of my mind immediately sits me at the computer poring over recipes. The collection in my favorites tab is getting enormous haha. I'm really curious about what makes me do this-- logically, I should be spending as little time as possible thinking about food (to prevent binges), but instead, I'm spending hours on Cooking Light, Delish, Hungry Girl... name a recipe site I haven't been to and I'll probably waste two or three more hours on the computer.

I wonder if I'm subconsciously doing it in case I'm forced to go iff my diet plan. Come to think of it, I have built up a pretty big reservoir of knowledge on calories/food stuff in general from all the browsing, so when I do have to go out to eat or something, I've gotten pretty good at finding the healthiest (read: lowest-calorie) options on the menu.

Hmm. That's actually a pretty decent theory.

Four-day fast starts today.

Three cups of green tea already. More later. Huge art history midterm that I need to do well on, barf, I just want to get it over with. Also my scale is being super-weird, it gave me three different readings this morning that varied by about 7lb... NOT what I need right now, I had to weigh myself like five times to get a consistent number and my roommate probably thinks I'm a nut. I think I'm going to get a new one when I get back to the states.

Goal of the fast is to get back under 140. Fairly acheivable, especially if I do a light jog every day. All I want to do is sleep lately, I'm always tired grrr. If I make it through today, I've made up some rules for myself regarding the fast:

1. drink 1.5L water bottle and minimum 3 cups green tea.

2. after this, I can have some regular tea, with sweetner and a little ff soy milk, treat :)

3. crunches every morning. I might have to buy a yoga mat, or steal a winter blanket no one's using since the italians haven't heard of carpeting and I don't want to kill my back on the floor.

4. Every day, at least twice, look through all inspiration pictures, as well as inspiration list. Remember why I am doing this. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SLIP UP. George works out almost every day back home, and he's always hanging out with this stick-y little girls and I will be cuter than them when he picks me up at the airport.

5. I DID NOT STUDY ABROAD TO GET FAT.

Hmm, haha so I completely flipped a shit on myself two days ago, because I finally stepped on the dreaded scale and it read my past highest weight. I've eaten 400cal the past 2 days, and when I weighed myself this morning, realized that the number two days ago wasn't right--- the scale takes three readings to adjust itself if it hasn't been used in a while, and I ended up being a lot lower than what it said. bahaha... nothing like a false high number to put the fear of god in me and get me back on track.

And I tried something different, I've never done this before... I told my roommates I was going on a diet. Obv they don't know the extent or anything, but since they don't know how to count calories and see me "eating" all the time (MMM BROCCOLI) they're not that alarmed. And now I don't feel as weird ordering salads when we eat out.

Side note: my one roommate, who when I said I was dieting shouted ooh me too I'll join you, ate almost an entire jar of nutella last night. One part of me is disgusted. But the other part of me knows, if I was in binge mode, I would do the same thing. It's so weird how separate the two parts of me are-- I sort of wish there was a happy medium instead of binge or starve. After restricting for a logn time I'm much better about controlling myself when eating "normally", but there's always the fear that I'll just snap and eat an entire jar of nutella.

I just feel bad for her. I know how she feels.

Other note: I needed a goal date to reach my weight by, and now I have it-- my mom's coming to visit in Florence for my birthday weekend!!! (weekend of Dec. 12th... finally turning 20). And since she's rail thin-- perfect. Inspiration. Plus I'll be skinny for my birthday.

Last night I drunk munched-- on an apple :]

mehhh.

This weekend travelling with L has finally got my head on straight. Who does she think she is? The entire trip, she had to make sure EVERYONE ate more than her. Like one time I wasn't feeling well (slash wanted to show her up) so I waited until everyone else ordered lunch and then jsut got a coffee--- I had to hear about how bad that was, not eating lunch blah blah blah throughout the entire afternoon. She eats like two pieces of fruit a day. And she has no fucking clue what I can and can't do. This summer I ate under 300 calories while running up and down the beach hauling umbrellas for 8 hours a day, and she thinks I can't handle skipping lunch.

I think I'm secretly bitter because she eats less. But she isn't even that skinny! I don't see her during the week, so I want to lose ten pounds in the next two weeks and scare the shit out of her. She's not the only one who knows how to skip meals. I refuse to be the fat one. I need to be the skinniest. She turns every meal into this secret competition and she doesn't know she's about to get fucking blown out of the water. Unlike her, I'm not forced to eat pasta at dinner every night, and I plan to use that.

Tomorrow, I will drink a bottle of water during the day. Tea for lunch if I'm home. Dinner is steamed broccoli, and I can't wait (I loveeee broccoli!!! And I haven't had it in so long ugh). After I get my food stipend from the school I can get some better essentials, eggs for egg whites/protein, tomatoes, and SPINACH nnumnumnum. And a think of diet coke :) for dessert when I've been good. I need to cook someone the rest of the pasta in my cupboard so I don't eat it.

I want her to see how skinny I can be. I'm so much better at this than her-- she thinks she's so good and secretive and I can see exactly what she's doing because I've done the same fucking thing. I watch her watch everyone else eat, and I know she's keeping track of what everyone else consumes. If she slips up, she convinces everyone else to eat even more, so she's still well under what they've consumed.

Two can play at this game you uptight little robot. And unlike you, I know how to win. And that's by being the thinnest and NOT letting everyone know what I'm up to because I want attention. I just want to beat you, because I hate you, because I think I secretly want all the attention you get from your eating habits.

This is one fucked up post.