I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Part lyrics to "The Lonely", Christina Perri.

153.6

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Also, yay for me, look at that number creep on down! Not much to share at the moment, other than... I don't know how that happened, because I had a rather disgusting peanut butter binge last night. Gross. From now on, I will not eat anything after 9pm. Absolutely not.

I didn't run yesterday, so today I have another 4.5 miles to go. I'm going to run every day until I leave for the city, since I won't really be able to do much working out there. My new clothes finally came in, yay!! I need to lose this stubborn 4 lb. If I can make it into the 140's by the time I'm on the train, I will be very happy.

To bring the scale, to not bring the scale... my fam will definitely think I'm a neurotic freak if I can't go a week and a half without weighing myself. But who am I kidding, I absolutely cannot go a week and a half without weighing myself, I'll get anxiety and probably gain back all my carefully lost weight. Is it very sad that part of the reason I want to hike Mt. Katahdin with my dad is that it's a great workout? Oops. That'll make up for my three days without exercise in NYC I warrant.

Haha just a funny side note... yesterday (very bored, mind you) I made a word document of all the people I have ever slept with, along with a little back-story. I was sort of tempted to post it on here, but my gut feeling said no fucking way that's asking for a scandal. But really, I post all about my embarrassing craziness on here, so my sex life really isn't too much worse. Hmm. To be determined at a later date.

155

Today's weight is good considering what I did yesterday. Read: nada, plus a night out for a beer and pretzel stick with the girls. Meh. Today I will get in my 4.5 again. I had a small bowl of berries and two coffees for breakfast, and dinner is looking to be create-your-own mini pizzas. If my mom lets me make a vegan one (sans chez), it shouldn't be too too bad. I get to pile it with lots of delicious spinach and broccoli and mushrooms and fresh tomater... won't even miss the cheese. Gosh I love spinach... I've been craving it, I used to buy it all the time while I was at school, but my mom rarely has it at the house.

That's something I miss, being able to stock my own pantry and fridge. True, I had to pay for everything, but I could buy a whole cabbage and have that as a meal for three days without (too many) weird looks. The hairy eyeball I would get if I asked my mom to scrounge up a cabbage for me is not worth it... plus she'd make me eat something else with it anyway.

I wonder how it'll be at school next year. We have a sit-down with our chef at the beginning of the year, saying what we like, don't like, are allergic to, etc etc. I might tell him I have a mild gluten allergy... idk, I'm just nervous about what he's going to cook. I hope he makes enough veggies (though to his credit, there's usually always a big salad). Who can tell?

(I had to stop writing in the middle of my post to take out my sister and get groceries, etc etc. I got a new purse YAY! I haven't owned a full-size purse since like junior year of high school... womp) Anyway. Just got back from shopping and my 4.5 mile run, I upped the intensity slightly today woo go me! I did have some frozen yogurt with my sister after shopping, which I felt guilty about, and which made me pick up my workout intensity, BUT. I just looked online, and it only ended up being 115 calories!!! Plus the blueberries and blackberries I dumped on top, which added around 50-60 more, but I think those are well worth it since they're full of fiber and I've been having poo issues.

Wow, pretty talkative today huh. Probably go for drinks around the fire later with my girlfriends, I'm going for least caloric, maximum alcoholic drinks. I need to get good and sloshed it's been a weird week.

154.6

I'm going to kill my scale a drawn-out and painful death. SRSLYTHO. It literally has it in for me. Yesterday I did very well, taking in just over 400 cal and running 4.5 miles again, so I was pretty excited to step on the scale this morning (rare occurrence). But no-- I step on, after peeing of course, and what do I see but a TWO POUND GAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

me: This can't be right. (steps off, walks downstairs, starts coffee machine, goes back upstairs)

scale: bahaha

me: (steps on) what?? no way, this is not correct!

scale: fuck you fattie!

me: (crying) WHAT THE FUCK I literally kicked my own ass yesterday!

scale: (middle finger)

me: :...(

scale: you are a fat fuck and nothing you do will ever change this.

me: (chugs .75L of water and gets back on the scale)

scale: you are still the same weight. Lardass.

me: IUAEJGILJILNVLIDG!!!!!SGBJSFIGB!!

scale: O_O (is pitched out window)

So after that happy exchange, and the water test (my stomach was about to explode), I came to the conclusion that it must be stuck or something. This isn't me just deluding myself that I'm not as fat as it said I am, right? Chugging all that water should have increased my weight, right?? After peeing, going about my business for the morning, yada yada making some roast tomaters for lunch, I get back on and

--LO AND BEHOLD--

I have dropped down three motherfucking pounds from the morning. THIS is more correct, I think. It's not dropped waterweight, because I've been drinking like a fish all morning. I think the stern talking-to I gave to my scale earlier made it clear I mean serious business, and it better straighten itself out or wife-scale and baby-scale will end up in the ocean with cement shoes.

Katie - 1. Asshole scale - 0.

156.4

NYC in a little over a week! I think 5lb is definitely doable by then, if not more (I'm hoping for more). I'm seeing almost all of my friends from school, and I just found out last night that a certain former formal date (call him P) will be there that weekend, and he wants to meet up. So good things. I will feel much better if I can get down to 150 by then; it's admittedly still an atrocious weight, but it'll be 10lb lighter than I was when I met him. I know, I know-- I had some serious bingeing problems that started in Italy and carried on through most of last semester. I'm trying to lose weight a little more healthily now; I don't want to get back into the binge habits after barely eating all summer.

Anyway, my weight/scale is wierd as SHIT lately-- I went up two pounds after Friday, and then came back down. But I still feel good (ish). Ran another 4.5 miles yesterday, and today I ran around 3 miles and I'm about to head to the gym with my brother to beast on the rowing machine and treadmill for an hour or two. I'm not focusing so much on calories or counting every last thing I eat; I am picking low-calorie options, I'm just not depriving myself like I used to. And I'm exercising much more than I have been over the last semester. Weight isn't falling off, per say, but it's a steady decline, and I'm okay with that.

But I do need to lose 5+ lb. in the next week. Let's aim for anything under 150, ready GO.

EDIT: Okay so I lied I might still be counting calories. I had an engrish muffin (150), coffee (10 w/bit of soy), some blueberries (uhh...35??), and a protein bar (180). And I kicked my big fat butt at the gym as far as weights were concerned-- I cannot lift my arms without pain. Most excellent.

156

Not much progress to report-- although, today I beasted out 4.5 miles. I haven't run that far, all at once, on my own, ever. Go me woo! I wonder what I'll be able to run once I get my butt in shape. Oh, the calorie-burning possibilities...

156

So I am doing pretty fucking fantastic updating, huh. Hating my obesity right now, not the numbers have been sloooowly creeping down. I'm on my second day in a row of running-- horribly out of shape like the useless lump I am, and just in time for the beach too! Ugh. I cannot even stomach the thought of walking around in a bikini right now, but for the sake of being tan... tan=illusionofskinny, so bikini it shall be.

Look out Ocean City, the beached whale cometh.

I haven't really been counting calories either... which is sort of stupid, but I'm also just not eating that much all at once. But I've been going to the kitchen like non-stop... sometimes I eat something and sometimes I don't, and I don't keep track so I just feel like I've eaten loads of shite.

Let's count together what Katie stuffed her face with today. Piece of toast (80) and small peach (40) for breakfast. Two-eggwhite omlette w/broccoli (45) for lunch. C/S some pasta, hopefully not too much got down so about 25? a slice of deli chicken breast (40) and a little more than half a slice of muenster cheese (wtf so fattening whyyyy. 60), and a handful of crackers/pretzels (we'll call it 80). Grand total of 370. urrrrggggghhhhhh.

But I did run 2.6 miles. Not far by any means, but it's way more than I usually do (read: nothing) and this is wayyyy less than I used to eat (read:bingefuckfacemode).

harumph. That's all for now.