I'm trying reeallllly hard for this. I've been good with my fast since that stupid drunk night, but today I had to eat a small plate of salad because we were all eating together at the house and it would have definitely caused suspicion. But don't worry, only tomato and lettuce obviously, no dressing. And then... well, I did have a bite of a blondie our chef made. But only a bite... and I've been jumping up and down cheering since 9:30 this morning (read: eleven hours), so I think it'll be okay.

I just have to keep myself from eating more.

Time for coffee!

Well.

Boo on me, right? I suck at being drunk. I knew this was going to happen, too. Oh well. I ordered a calzone last night when I got home, but at least I only ate half of it. As soon as I woke up this morning I threw it out. Gross.

Today's a new day! I've still only had water and tea, and very little temptation-- I almost ate an apple for breakfast, which wouldn't have been bad... I hate seeing healthy food go bad :( But I really want to stick to this 100%, so my four poor apples will probably be all gross and styrofoam-y by the time I go to eat them. I don't even want to know what my broccoli in the fridge looks like haha.

I think I'm really good at fasting. I haven't really wanted to eat at all, nothing uncontrollable (the apple was a passing consideration). I haven't gotten crazy cravings for like, sandwiches or bagels or anything, and my stomach cramps are minimal... knock on wood. I just have to remember to stay hydrated! I'm really bad about that even when I'm not fasting, so I probably need to get a waterbottle. Time to take a Target run-- I need a scale, a waterbottle, and some Celestial Seasonings mango green tea (!!!!!).

ttfn bitchesss

Cute. I NEED A FUCKING SCALE! I threw out my old one before I left Italy, because (1) I needed room to fit all my italian leather goodies, and (2) it was a piece of shit. But now I've been without a scale for almost a month and it's starting to give me anxiety.

Also, I'm on my second day of not eating. I don't know how long I want to go for... at least for a week? idk, the longest I've fasted I think is four days, barring a veggie binge and a bit of drunkbinge!pasta somewhere in the middle... I lost four pounds. So theoretically, if I don't binge drunk, and I go four seven days... I should lose at LEAST six pounds? That's not too much of a stretch. Maybe I'll celebrate by buying a scale and weighing myself-- that would keep me from getting depressed about the god-awful weight I must be clocking in now.

Also, tonight is the only night I have to worry about drunk bingeing since rush is this weekend... we're having a case-race sisterhood event with our rush groups tonight. I foresee myself blacking out; I am way too competitive and will probably try to finish as much beer as possible haha. Hopefully I can just come home and go to bed.... fuck having to walk through the kitchen to get to my room :(

I am a failure.

I wish I had never started worrying about my weight. At first it was a good thing... I lost twenty pounds, and even though it was a miserable struggle I started to feel better about how I looked. But eventually I stopped watching what I ate. I started eating everything I had denied myself, I lost self-control, and I never, ever stopped thinking about food. I hate myself.

I can't eat in front of people. I always need to justify my eating to everyone around me, and I eat more in my room with the door closed, after everyone's asleep, so that they won't know. I refuse to buy junk food or even bread or meat in the grocery store, and then when I realize I have nothing to eat later in the week except for carrots, I take my roommates' food and eat it too fast. I feel so shameful after I eat. My fucking ski pants wouldn't button closed this winter when we went on the family ski trip... and all I can do is look at my sister, who is stick thin, and want to cry. I don't want to exercise because I feel like it's too late, that I've gotten so fat. My boyfriend thinks I'm fat-- I know it. There's almost never a time when I'm not thinking about food or my weight. I'm so fucking scared to get on a scale. I want to fast for two weeks, not go out, not see anyone. I don't want anyone to see me while I look like this.

Something is wrong with me... I want help. I want to feel good about myself, instead of wallowing in self-hatred. I feel like I deserve this for relinquishing my self control. This is my fault. I let it get to this. I'm either skinny and starving and happy, or fat and miserable.

I'd rather be starving.

I want to cry. Why can't I? I haven't cried since the ski trip. I just want to cry.