I decided to weigh myself... lost four pounds in about four days, not too bad. I still can't stand the number on the scale though, so I'm not exactly in the best of moods right now. I just want to be skinny and I feel like I'm running out of time. Blegh.

Also, last night one of my roommates decided she was going to make pasta for everyone. Now. One box feeds 4-6 people. That allows for more than two servings per person (math from the side of the box, for the four of us). SHE MADE TWO ENTIRE BOXES OF PASTA FOR FOUR PEOPLE! Thank god I had a good excuse to skip... the plate she made for me before I told her I wasn't eating literally had bow ties falling off the side. So did hers, and she ate the entire thing. (before I continue, I'd just like to disclaim: I have eaten that and more during a bad binge. I'm just in a ranting mood and a little touchy from not eating much). I had to leave the room while she was eating because not only did she finish the entire plate, she finished it while chomping, slurping, and smacking her lips the whole time.

It highly annoys me, because then sometimes she goes to me: "I need to eat healthy and lose weight, let's only buy fruits and vegetables this week okay? Want to join me?" OKAY, FIRST POINT. That's all I buy at the store anyway. Second, when she does this, she doesn't include pasta-- all veggies are cooked along with a plate of pasta. She eats 1/4 to 1/2 a pack of spaghetti for lunch, which kind of cancels out the idea of eating healthy by adding some tomatoes and squash! She literally has no clue about serving size-- like she actually thinks that's an okay portion to eat for a meal. Also, her snack of choice when studying, is a jar of nutella. The whole thing is usually consumed in one sitting.

I think it bothers me so much because she eats all that and literally thinks nothing of it, and I've eaten that much (and more) during a binge and feel like a disgusting piece of filth. I think I'm inwardly jealous of her naivete. But sort of not-- I shudder at how much weight I would gain.

Also. I really want to try the pasta. It smells so good, and there's an enormous bowl in the fridge. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to. I'm not going to.

Hmm. I don't really know how to feel. I broke my fast yesterday, but it was on about 250 cal of raw fruits and vegetables (with the exception of some cooked spinach) I had an apple, stringbeans, tomato, an orange, and some spinach. Oh also two hardboiled egg whites, and less than half of one yolk. Not feeling too bad about it to be honest, I've worked out almost every day since I started. Today is back to clean fasting though, no little bites of veggie for me :)

I haven't weighed myself since I started Wednesday (or Tuesday? I'm getting so old I can't remember)-- I'm kind of excited to see how much I can lose. I just can't fantasize about losing too much weight or I'll just be disappointed haha. Dude... so the italian gym I'm a member at has this machine that KILLS your butt. It's set up sort of like a stair machine, except instead of going straight up and down, your feet go out to the sides. It sort of mimics the actions of a speed skater-- I can feel it in my butt the whole time and I sweat like crazy (my reference point that I'm working hard), I WANT ONE OF THESE FOR MY HOUSE. Or at least convince my gym at home to get one :p

I don't really have a goal for how long I want to keep this up... maybe til my mom gets here for my birthday, and then another week of it before I get home? that'll be a little under three weeks of almost complete fasting (I have to break it up a little and eat some veggies and protein so I don't pass out-- esp for exam week urgh). How much weight do you think I can lose from that? With working out almost every day I feel like I should at LEAST be back to where I was when I got here... a permissible weight at best, but oh well.

When I get home is going to be tough though. I won't be able to fast, and I'll have to eat whatever my mom cooks. She's very very good about cooking healthy, but like every family, we still have "breakfast for dinner" nights (read: pancakes, sausage, and scrapple. EW), lasagna (thinking about all that cheese is giving me a heart attack), and burgers every once in a while. Last time I tried to skimp on the pancakes, eeeeveryone noticed, and EVERYONE said something. Kind of annoying, but I managed to pass it off as feeling sick, so maybe that'll happen again. And for about four days I can blame my "lack of appetite" on jet lag/different meal times :). Oooh. I like that idea. Possibly an extra day or two of fasting heehee.

Ciao ciao!

On my second day of a fast, no cravings to speak of yet. I paid 90 euro to join a gym for the last month I'm here, so I feel much more obliged to go (can't waste money!). Ugh. I got so fucking fat here hahaha it would be sort of funny if I didn't have to lose weight before my mom visits in a week. Or when I finally go home and have to be naked in front of my boyfriend. Honestly he probably wouldn't notice much, but unless I'm well under current weight the only thing I'll be able to think about is how fat I am. Fat is such a fucking nuisance.

Anyway. Yesterday I had 5 tic-tacs throughout the day, then read on the label as I was going to bed that they're 2 calories each? for those tiny pieces of crap? I could have eaten some spinach or tomato and been healthier for the same amount of calories grrr.

This fast will go until my art show next Thursday at 5:30. Oh boy. Drinking tonight is going to be interesante... ugh and I KNOW my friends will want to go to the late-night bakery or get a kebab (huge wrap filled with greasy mystery meat, sauce, veggies and FRENCH FRIES??). Kebabs gross me out but the fucking bakery always smells so good... if I don't cave today I should be able to resist, I'm pretty good about sticking with it when drunk if I have an unbroken streak :)

Ugh, ho ingrassato moltississississimo. Time to vado alla palestra-- ciao ciao le mie belle.

Hmm, second post of the day. I wrote this in my journal earlier and I guess I just like everything neat and tidy in one place. Here you go!

I've never gone longer than three days of fasting, should be interesting. Every time I get a craving I'm going to head to studio, since I have so much freaking work to do anyway. Still can't decide if I want to include broth in my fast or not-- maybe tomorrow, if I drink enough water to balance out all that sodium. I've never been this calm about losing weight in a strict period of time before-- normally, I worry about how I'm going to get through it without screwing up, but now all I think about is how amazing I'm going to feel.

I have this (sort of fucked-up?) image in my head of what I'll be like when I get back... I'm wearing one of those loose swing-y shirts, and George grabs me to pick me up and I can feel his fingers on my ribs when he lifts me. Wow that actually sounds kind of gruesome written down, it's honestly not as gross the way I visualize it-- it's more of an imagined sensory experience, it just sound stupid written down anyway.

Also, sort of random and off-topic thing. Without fail, every time I go on a highly restrictive eating plan, some masochistic part of my mind immediately sits me at the computer poring over recipes. The collection in my favorites tab is getting enormous haha. I'm really curious about what makes me do this-- logically, I should be spending as little time as possible thinking about food (to prevent binges), but instead, I'm spending hours on Cooking Light, Delish, Hungry Girl... name a recipe site I haven't been to and I'll probably waste two or three more hours on the computer.

I wonder if I'm subconsciously doing it in case I'm forced to go iff my diet plan. Come to think of it, I have built up a pretty big reservoir of knowledge on calories/food stuff in general from all the browsing, so when I do have to go out to eat or something, I've gotten pretty good at finding the healthiest (read: lowest-calorie) options on the menu.

Hmm. That's actually a pretty decent theory.

Four-day fast starts today.

Three cups of green tea already. More later. Huge art history midterm that I need to do well on, barf, I just want to get it over with. Also my scale is being super-weird, it gave me three different readings this morning that varied by about 7lb... NOT what I need right now, I had to weigh myself like five times to get a consistent number and my roommate probably thinks I'm a nut. I think I'm going to get a new one when I get back to the states.

Goal of the fast is to get back under 140. Fairly acheivable, especially if I do a light jog every day. All I want to do is sleep lately, I'm always tired grrr. If I make it through today, I've made up some rules for myself regarding the fast:

1. drink 1.5L water bottle and minimum 3 cups green tea.

2. after this, I can have some regular tea, with sweetner and a little ff soy milk, treat :)

3. crunches every morning. I might have to buy a yoga mat, or steal a winter blanket no one's using since the italians haven't heard of carpeting and I don't want to kill my back on the floor.

4. Every day, at least twice, look through all inspiration pictures, as well as inspiration list. Remember why I am doing this. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO SLIP UP. George works out almost every day back home, and he's always hanging out with this stick-y little girls and I will be cuter than them when he picks me up at the airport.

5. I DID NOT STUDY ABROAD TO GET FAT.

Hmm, haha so I completely flipped a shit on myself two days ago, because I finally stepped on the dreaded scale and it read my past highest weight. I've eaten 400cal the past 2 days, and when I weighed myself this morning, realized that the number two days ago wasn't right--- the scale takes three readings to adjust itself if it hasn't been used in a while, and I ended up being a lot lower than what it said. bahaha... nothing like a false high number to put the fear of god in me and get me back on track.

And I tried something different, I've never done this before... I told my roommates I was going on a diet. Obv they don't know the extent or anything, but since they don't know how to count calories and see me "eating" all the time (MMM BROCCOLI) they're not that alarmed. And now I don't feel as weird ordering salads when we eat out.

Side note: my one roommate, who when I said I was dieting shouted ooh me too I'll join you, ate almost an entire jar of nutella last night. One part of me is disgusted. But the other part of me knows, if I was in binge mode, I would do the same thing. It's so weird how separate the two parts of me are-- I sort of wish there was a happy medium instead of binge or starve. After restricting for a logn time I'm much better about controlling myself when eating "normally", but there's always the fear that I'll just snap and eat an entire jar of nutella.

I just feel bad for her. I know how she feels.

Other note: I needed a goal date to reach my weight by, and now I have it-- my mom's coming to visit in Florence for my birthday weekend!!! (weekend of Dec. 12th... finally turning 20). And since she's rail thin-- perfect. Inspiration. Plus I'll be skinny for my birthday.

Last night I drunk munched-- on an apple :]

mehhh.

This weekend travelling with L has finally got my head on straight. Who does she think she is? The entire trip, she had to make sure EVERYONE ate more than her. Like one time I wasn't feeling well (slash wanted to show her up) so I waited until everyone else ordered lunch and then jsut got a coffee--- I had to hear about how bad that was, not eating lunch blah blah blah throughout the entire afternoon. She eats like two pieces of fruit a day. And she has no fucking clue what I can and can't do. This summer I ate under 300 calories while running up and down the beach hauling umbrellas for 8 hours a day, and she thinks I can't handle skipping lunch.

I think I'm secretly bitter because she eats less. But she isn't even that skinny! I don't see her during the week, so I want to lose ten pounds in the next two weeks and scare the shit out of her. She's not the only one who knows how to skip meals. I refuse to be the fat one. I need to be the skinniest. She turns every meal into this secret competition and she doesn't know she's about to get fucking blown out of the water. Unlike her, I'm not forced to eat pasta at dinner every night, and I plan to use that.

Tomorrow, I will drink a bottle of water during the day. Tea for lunch if I'm home. Dinner is steamed broccoli, and I can't wait (I loveeee broccoli!!! And I haven't had it in so long ugh). After I get my food stipend from the school I can get some better essentials, eggs for egg whites/protein, tomatoes, and SPINACH nnumnumnum. And a think of diet coke :) for dessert when I've been good. I need to cook someone the rest of the pasta in my cupboard so I don't eat it.

I want her to see how skinny I can be. I'm so much better at this than her-- she thinks she's so good and secretive and I can see exactly what she's doing because I've done the same fucking thing. I watch her watch everyone else eat, and I know she's keeping track of what everyone else consumes. If she slips up, she convinces everyone else to eat even more, so she's still well under what they've consumed.

Two can play at this game you uptight little robot. And unlike you, I know how to win. And that's by being the thinnest and NOT letting everyone know what I'm up to because I want attention. I just want to beat you, because I hate you, because I think I secretly want all the attention you get from your eating habits.

This is one fucked up post.

Hmm. Total of 3lb lost... so four more to go until I'm back where I was. Pretty sure all of it is just excess water weight, but at least I'll look less puffy.

This morning had a sort of mini binge, took a few small bites of granola cereal and tried a wafer cookie in Italian class. Oh well. Yesterday went really lovely though, I didn't drunkmunch at all last night, came home and ate a 65 cal piece of bread and that's it! I'm kind of wanting a sandwich now, but I'm going to hold off with tea. Lots and lots of tea.

In other news, I may or may not still be a little tipsy from last night. Class this morning was interesting... I kept spacing out hardddd. And now I just want to go back to sleep. Also, met some boys last week who want to smoke a j tonight before we go out... I don't know if I trust myself. I might just bring out a small amount of cash like I did last night to keep myself from gorging... I get munchies so bad when I'm high :(

k that's all for now. Ciao ciao!

Hmm it's been quite a bit since I last posted, hasn't it?

Well, abito a Firenze, la bellissima citta! It is so incredible here, going into detail would take all day so I'm not going to explain, plus this is a blog for my weight loss, which has become the issue at hand over here in my little Florentine apartment.

When I got here, I struggled with the idea of foregoing all this delicious Italian food, simply because it's such an enormous part of the culture. I decided to just try it with portion control, which works when I'm at home. But it's another curious cultural aspect-- when you go out, it's expected that you clean your plate. I mean a few noodles is fine, but you can't just eat half and leave the rest (no take-home bags, do NOT even ask for one haha). The portions are pretty decent, not the monstrosities they serve back in America, but it's still more than I would serve myself. And so, I've been eating wayyyy more than I should. I gained about 6 pounds back from my summer loss :(

So now, back to the beginning. It sucks, but the damage isn't too horrible... and I did get to sample a good bit of the cuisine while I ate my fucking way through the city. But nonetheless. It's time to crack back down, because it's simply not acceptable to lose during the summers and then yo-yo back up during the school year. My biggest challenge is the trainsition from summer to fall-- if I can get back on track quickly, I think I'll be okay.

Today I've had tea, with a bit of soy milk.

Also, one of the friends I've met here used to be anorexic. She's kind of inspiring to me, as sick as that sounds... she's lost ten pounds since she's been here. Supposedly she's recovered, but I sort of doubt that. She doesn't really eat much during the day, and goes for a run/walk every evening-- something that's been lacking in my routine, and something that I think will really help me jump back down to where I was.

So there you have it... Italia. Although I haven't gained as much as I would have in the states-- everything here is so much better for you... MUCH less sugar in everything! Even the bread... it's wonderful. Okay that's really it for now.

Ciao e un bacio, belle!

Hmm. Weighed myself today... I mean, I'm definitely not pleased, but it's not as bad as it could have been, considering all the grossness I inhaled last weekend. Today I babysat all morning, so I had a 100-cal english muffin to get some energy (which didn't much, they are NUTS. But so freaking cute :P)

Mom made calories breakfast for dinner, pancakes with a side of scrapple. Um. NO. I got off easy not eating scrapple, I made like I was going to try it while she was cooking, then was like, oh wait I read the ingredients list no freaking way (two choice ingredients, hearts and skins... I'm not a vegetarian, but EUGH). So me 1, dinner 0. However, my rejection of the pancakes did not go unnoticed.

me: *cut up pieces, push them to the side, eat a tiny bite, cut up more and mash*

mom: is that all you're going to eat?

me: *oh shit* nope I'm eating! *inhale coffee, take bite and smile*

**some table conversation**

me: *poke around at mashed pancake some more*

sister: is that ALL you're eating? *eyeroll*

me: uhhm

mom: do you feel okay?

me: uhh. no I feel weird I'm not that hungry... heat some up later!

mom: mkay

sister: ooookay... *another eye roll.*

So. My mom just left for grocery shopping, so I'm off to smear some syrup all over my plate and feed my doggie the rest! oopsie, forgot to clean up from "dinner". Laterrrr

Edit: (30 min later) my doggie is going to get fat haha. Made a bowl of delicious steamed carrots instead... I am obsessed with spicy steamed carrots and broccoli oh my god I could eat an entire bag!

Now watching the curiously addictive foodporn! show, Man vs. Food... my college town is on the new episode at 9 wooo! I wonder which restaurant he goes to. And now, he is chowing down on a cheeseburger smothered with bacon, chili, grilled hot dog (wtf?) and fried onion. Oh, and the patty is as big as his head. It comes with a serving platter full of cheese fries, in case whoever orders this monstrosity is still hungry.

O_O

So today's plan is to eat as little as possible... efff last weekend. I'm going out for most of the day to get stuff ready for Florence, getting my computer checked and going to the bank and stuff. When I get home I'll do another 4-mile run while my mom's cooking dinner, and then maybe I'll be too tired and fall asleep early. One can only hope.

I'm scared to weigh myself after the disgusting binge that was yesterday/last weekend. Ugh. I hate setting myself back :(

Blegh, sort of. I visited college over the weekend to see people and deal with my Judicial Affairs meeting (hospital visit... heh... whoopsie), and I KNEW it would be hard to keep up my habits when it was just my mom and I. Sooo I resigned myself to three "normal" eating days, which turned into one day that was still under 600 (WOO!), a normal sub-1500 day, and a huge fucking binge day. bksuhtglshghlrt ughhh, the last day would have been fine but instead of going to bed, I had a massive binge.

Today started off well, and then I started eating some granola, which turned into a binge-- but I said today would be my fresh start off the weekend, so I purged most of it back up, and then went on a four-mile run. Oh yeah, something I forgot to mention about this summer... I've gotten LOTS better at throwing up. Yeah, I know. I still don't do it very often so no worries, it's really fucking disgusting, and I know that I never get EVERYTHING up. But mostly, it's because making yourself puke is just nasty. Puke is fucking gross.

So today didn't go quite how I had planned, but at least I did some form of damage control. Ugh... enough to keep from from binging for quite a while. Nothing quite like the feeling of your chewed up meal splashing back at you from the toilet.

I am so excited today!!! Want to know why? I'm a half pound away from my LW last fall :) And hopefully tomorrow I can breeze by that and keep going until I am thin and beautiful. Time to pull up the old chart I used a while back...

• 150: DISGUSTINGLY GROSS (seen this)
• 145: fatass (seen this)
• 140: chubbers (seen this)
• 135: baby fat (just passed this!!)
• 130: is she skinny or boring old average? Average.
• 125: athletic thin
• 120: thin and sexy
• 115-110: runway model
• 110 and below: sack of bones. I'm writing this now in case I ever get close and am tempted... DO NOT go here :[

But yeah, yayyy for me! I even had a piece of toast and bite of ice cream before I went to bed last night. I'm going for a run in like an hour. Peace!

Ughhhh sidenote, I feel like I'm going to puke. Taking a multivitamin on an empty stomach= vommm, I finished the rest of my apple from yesterday but apparently that doesn't cut it :(

Not sure how I feel right now... I haven't eaten that much today, so I should be elated, right? I think I got "over-thinspired" last night haha, because even though I'm at a low calorie count (2/3 apple, four dark chocolate M&M's, a quarter salmon burger with most of the [FATTTY] bun picked off, and carrots/broccoli) I feel like poop.

Last night to distract myself, I was on this website called skinnygossip.com for like three hours just reading through stuff-- the webmistress is pretty harsh (Victoria's Secret models are a little too big for her O_O) but apparently it did the trick, check it out if you want but consider my previous statement fair warning. BUT. I am no longer even craving a cookie, even chocolate, even ANYTHING. And I'm on my freaking period, I normally want to inhale half the cupboard haha. The only thing I see in a cookie is a higher calorie number... not even the taste interests me.

I have never been this disinterested in food.

YAY for skinny!

Today I've been soooo good :]

Had half an apple after my coffee. Went for a jog, drank lots of water, made 2L of green tea for later, and ate a few more bites of an apple before deciding I wasn't hungry. I also had a forkful of pulled pork when I was making my siblings lunch, but I think it'll be okay since I've been good all day.

For dinner, my mom's grilling a steak; no idea what she's making for the carb, but I'll avoid that like usual. And for the veggie... cucumbers in vinegar!!! This is something I would actually make myself, nomnomnom and it is so freaking low-cal I want to hop around my kitchen. I'm glad my mom enjoys healthy cooking :D

and sigh... I knew it was coming, but he's only been there three days for goodness sake! Girl#1 has already friend-requested and written on my bf's wall. And she has an arm the size of a twig in her profile picture. (yes, I am aware that my facebook habits are unhealthy... bite me.) But, being with other people was part of our agreement, and he had to deal with the same thing when I was a freshman, so I simply have to sit here and take it.

And by take it, I mean envision Slut#1's sticky little arm every time I think I'm too tired to run any further :p

Helloooo, I'm back!! I lived at the beach all summer, sans internet connection, and a whole bunch of things happened to update on.

One, I lost 15lb. :] not as much as I wanted, but yay nonetheless! hopefully I can lose another ten by the time I leave for florence, about 12 days. Then I will be five away from my goal weight.

Two, boyfriend and I are good... like really, really good. Living with him was so nice, falling asleep together and cooking and hanging out and just seeing him all the time. I also realized that we complement each other very well-- I think he brings out a lot of good things in me. And the same with him. I am so in love haha.

Three, I saved money for Europe, yayayayayYAYAYAY!!!! I cannot. freaking. wait. To study abroad. It's like living in a painting :)

So that was the summer, summed up in a few sentences. Whatever, on to today. (I don't feel like writing a lot right now, maybe later). Today, I went for a quick run, and then went for a two-hour hike with my friend from high school. All I've eaten so far has been an apple (45 cal), some beets (10? cal) and two small bites of pulled pork from last night (45-55 cal, eughhh). Pretty good so far, I think we're having chicken legs and something else for dinner tonight. For dinner I've just been eating smaller portions, no one's noticed or been on my butt about it so far, excellent.

I want to be the skinny american when I go abroad... and I also want my boyfriend to remember me while the freshman hoes throw themselves at him this semester. Yeah haha.

Yesterday, had half a protein shake (65), a salad (30 cal), two egg whites (35), and a pita with spinach and a bit of hummus (going to be safe and say around 175). Worked out. Then I went out drinking. Weight was lost :)

Today... so far I've had around 280 cal. yuckie. need to go to the gym. I have no time. so much work AHHHH.

Today, two eggs and a salad with greens, tomatoes, half a spoonful of tuna, red pepper, and a mix of balsamic vinegar/habanero sauce. (for the record... HABANERO IS WAY HOTTER THAN REGULAR HOT SAUCE. I knew it was hotter, but not by how much... my mouth is on fire). And I feel great! Oh yeah and I ate one saltine, for carbs :p That is 92 calories.

And I tossed my jar of peanut butter and my trail mix into the overhead cabinet, way into the back where I can't reach it without a chair. So that solves that issue haha. I'm going to the sorority house soon so I plan on taking advantage of all the fresh-brewed coffee, and then I shall go for my nightly run. As long as I keep this up... I can be five pounds away from my goal weight by formal. Not too bad.

total cal: 220

Back again.

So I've realized something about myself. I absolutely adore the feeling of being hungry. Like when your stomach is growling and a little achy, not painful but you can physically tell that it's empty. Getting that feeling makes me feel like I have so much  control, like my body is saying: feed me, and I say FUCK NO. It's like, when I get to that point, I don't even crave anything and it's so easy to turn down food, because the feeling of an empty stomach is so... I don't know, intoxicating. The feeling of that much control is just addictive.

As you could probably guess, I have the feeling right now :) I woke up early to get a class drop form signed; normally I sleep in, but I've decided I love campus early in the morning-- it's bright and sunny out and there's no one around and it's so relaxing!

Today, I'm fasting. Tomorrow, I'm starting my minimalist diet. A hardboiled egg white (protein) for lunch, a spinach salad (fiber/iron/other veggie stuff) with balsamic vinegar for dinner, and two multigrain saltines somewhere in there (carbs. because your brain needs them to function properly). And obviously a shit ton of water to drink.

Oh dear. 

This always happens when I lose track of myself... I end up disappearing because I'm too ashamed of my ridiculous binges. So it's been a month? Ugh. Writing on here makes me guilty, and that should inspire me not to eat!

Well, I'm getting back on track, as it were. I plan on losing around 10-15lb in the next two weeks... yes, it might be mostly water weight, but I just need some confidence before spring break. I want to feel lovely in my bikini.

I'm trying out this diet called the "chemical diet" (don't know why it's called that, who knows). But basically, you have either an egg white, an apple/fruit, a cup of salad, or a bit of tuna for one meal, and for the rest you drink coffee, tea, and shitloads of water. And you excercise for one hour every day. They say you lose thirty pounds in 3 weeks, but I don't know if I'm too late for that or not. Anyhow, that begins tomorrow.

Today, I had two hardboiled egg whites, some cucumber and tomato, and a wrap filled with spinach and a slice of provolone. Ughh. Probably around 300 calories. I need to cut back hardcore for the rest of the week. Pardon-- the rest of the fucking month. I look so gross.

Oh... and I finally stopped talking to the ex. Even though it hurts, it's just better this way. Neither of us have to torture ourselves... actually, he doesn't torture himself about two-timing his girlfriend and I. So correction, I'm not torturing myself over his douchebaggery. But I MUST be skinny by spring break in case I see him. I'm coming back from Florida, so if I do see him, I must be:

Thin. Tan. Blonde. All three of which, his gf is not (well actually she's kinda thin, but I'll be thinner). Not to win him back... I just want him to realize how completely he fucked himself over when he chose her over me. She's a bitch to him, also. (The only time I was a bitch was when he wanted to have sex in the room next to where his parents were sleeping, and I yelled at him hahaha). Seriously, I just want him to die a little when he sees me. And he will not. Fucking. Touch me.

Yay for skinny!!!

Edit: okay, I need to stop lying to myself, because not writing it down doesn't mean it didn't happen. I also ate two bite-size twix bars :(((( but tomorrow, I will NOT! I need some fucking self-control.

Hoooly crap. Okay so, faced with an entire night of painting ahead of me, I had to eat something. And that something (a spinach wrap with grilled veggies and cucumber) turned into several things: hb egg whites, carrots, celery, a weird grilled vegetarian thing, a bagel, a cup of cheerios, and half a cookie. And then a kitkat bar :( so I was feeling not so awesome last night.

But this morning.... 141.5 pounds!!! YES! I don't know how on earth this happened, but I don't really care :) I'm fasting again for another three days (so until Sunday), and then eating Sunday night and fasting for another three days. Because I've dropped almost eight freaking pounds since I started this, granted some was water weight, but I'm excited to see the numbers going down.

And look who spoke too soon. Lol I could barely get out of bed this morning, my whole body was exhausted. So far it was a water/herbal tea fast, as in ZERO calories, but I needed something to give me energy so I picked up an orange juice, dumped a tablet of airborne in it (1,00000% vitamin C or something) chugged and went to the gym. I was barely able to get a good workout, I just did the stair machine for ten minutes and then did arms and abs like normal. And I have no motivation to do work. BUT I was able to squeeze into my rush jeans just a tiny bit easier :) hopefully I can hit 140 by Saturday.

oh boy. Day 2 of fasting now complete. And what a success! I'm back to 143 (oh the days when this was an atrocious number... I'll get there soon!), AND I had so many temptations that were pretty much easy to resist. THe worst of which, someone brought in home-baked Amish sweet bread to my seminar and proceeded to pass around a hefty serving slathered in butter to everyone. Bread is my absolute weakness, but I took my plate, looked at it for a second, and then made my neighbor eat it.

Oh. And the boyfriend with a fucking new slut thing actually worked. When I felt myself wanting the tiny corner piece that was left on my plate, I just thought about them dating and I felt sick to my stomach. I guess every gray cloud has its silver lining!

I'm barely hungry. I know it's only been two days, but I was expecting more pain and weakness by now. I guess we'll see how it works out tomorrow. And I don't know whether I should sleep in or go to the gym tomorrow... I think gym is appropriate. I'm in a time crunch for skinniness.

ATTENTION ATTENTION.

I now have the ultimate motivation to get me through weeks of fasting, hours of running, and the largest growls my stomach could ever make. 

I hope none of you ever have to experience the singularly unique feeling of seeing your boyfriend's facebook status as "in a relationship" with another troll girl.

Let me tell you, the complete lack of hunger I feel right now is just awesome.

Yesterday I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend before rush practice. So I wasn't tempted to binge right after, and I did so well until I got home and started thinking about things, and before I knew it I had gone down to the dining hall and gotten a veggie wrap, potatoe wedges, veggies (trying to be healthy... yeah RIGHT), came up to the room, ate it all, and then proceeded to inhale cookies and a Butterfingers bar. UGH.

So I decided I'm going to do a six-day fast. Today was great, I've had water and a cup of coffee, and I worked out at the gym :) I'm doing the first four days with a lovely girl on Doll Parts, so that'll definitely help me get through the worst of it! 

I've never faster for longer than a day. We'll see what happens, but I think I can stick this out as long as I keep busy. I have to finish this. I need to be skinny for our next party in two weeks, and for my skinny jeans, and especially for walking at model tryouts. God.

Down one more pound! I'm on track for rush, and in okay shape for modeling tryouts. I really want to blow my cousin away when she sees me. Last year when I modeled, I just remember the dress not fitting and the designer having to struggle to zip up the back... that's when I started this shit eating and thinking. That will not happen again. I refuse to be embarrassed backstage when we're all walking around in our underwear, and I REFUSE to be the "fat model" in her collection. Eff that. I love being on stage and walking in shows, and I don't want to feel ashamed of myself and take away the fun.

I just want to be delicate. I want to feel small and graceful and breakable and lovely.

Hmm. Well last night I went out and whatnot, did not eat a single thing ALL DAY. I have never been able to do that at school before. So proud of me during the the day... but when I came home I got a bag of sunchips from the vending machine :( EWW. I hate chips when I'm sober, but drunk me craves them all the freaking time. Yucky.

Buuuut on that note: I lost THREE POUNDS! It is most likely water weight, but woohoooo!!! Today is another no-no for solid food, just my lemonade and tea/water. Oh and yesterday, first also, I went to the dining hall and didn't eat a thing, just drank coffee (they were out of hot water for tea...wtf?). My excuse was I wanted to see everyone but had already eaten. That's been my problem, meeting for dinner is sometimes the only way I can see my friends during the week because we're all so busy. But yesterday was so good :)

Tonight we have a Jersey Shore-themed party with one of my favorite frats (hmmm that sounded like the stereotype sorority girl... sue me haha). Excited! And tomorrow is an ABC (Anything But Clothes) and I'll be wearing a flag. I wanted to wear a bikini for Jersey Shore, but too fat right now. Not until I get to 125 AT LEAST do I show my midriff.

Hey so oh my goodness! I have some followers :) I never really checked to see and whatnot, I guess I just thought my blog was lost in the massive blogspot site, but to all you beautiful girls, thank you for following! I know my ramblings aren't always the most coherent, but it makes me feel nice that people read them :)

Anyway, on the third day of lemonade... or technically I started over, since I had to go to the dining hall yesterday, so I ate a veggie salad and half a whole-grain bagel (no spread but still, mehhh). But today I have had NOTHING. Not even a nibble of something. Just my lemonade, water, and a cup of green tea :) 

I didn't have class til 1:30, so I went to the new gym across from my dorm... it is AWESOME. Normally it's crowded but everyone was in classes or sleeping when I went, so it was empty. And all the machines are so clean and new and there's a cool new kind of EFX machine where I can adjust the slope... it's just the best. And it's literally right out the door from my dorm, I can run over there in shorts if I don't feel like putting on a jacket for this arctic weather we've been having.

So yeah, been working hard... I've lost three pounds. I'm still atrocious-looking, but whatever. My first goal is to hit 137 by the first weekend of Rush. And to be at the most, 125 by Feb 10th. Because my cousin asked me to model for her senior collection, and that's tryout date, and I want to model for other people too :) I love modeling! But ewwww I cannot look anywhere near as tubby as I am now.

Whew! That was a long one haha. xxox

Starting the lemonade diet tomorrow. For two weeks until formal sorority recruitment. Ugh. I just feel so fucking gross. Like absolutely disgusting. I feel like I'm saying that in all my posts now, but I just do. 

I want someone to want me :( I know that sounds shallow, but I want to be cute. It would be nice.

I can barely look at myself.

Since my last post... it's been binge central. Absolutely disgusting. I've blocked most of it out because that's what I do, but the scale does not lie. Fucking hormones... I never fail to get this way right before my monthlies, it's so fucking annoying. That's my goal for next month: don't be a huge slobby eating mess. I hate the helpless, hopeless feeling after a binge. Like it's impossible for me to be skinny and I'll never reach my goal.

Today.. I've had a piece of dry toast (70 cal) and two cups of green tea. And a liter of water.

Hanging with my (ex?)boyfriend when he gets home from school.. so easy to resist there, and I'll be able to hopefully miss dinner at home-- my mom's making meatloaf, a personal fave, and I don't want to be anywhere near the house when that comes out of the oven.

So how neurotic is this... I just made a schedule for tomorrow morning. Literally down to the minute.

9:50 – up, wash face, PUT ON WORKOUT GEAR

10:00 – sit ups 100

10:02 – water boil

10:06 – pour tea

10:07 sit ups 100

10:10-10:30 – drink tea, 1 L water, prettythin, dollparts

10:30 – make broccoli stir-fry

11:10 - sit-ups 125

11:15 – jog down to trail and back (3-4 miles)

12:45 – sit-ups 125

1:00 – shower, shave, exfoliate

1:30 – moisturize with baby oil, then body butter

1:45 – set face steam up and do nails

1:55 – steam face

2:00 – dry hair

2:00 on: with friends, and then out for sushi with George :) already looked up low-cal options

today... dropped a pound :/ but for some reason I have lost the willpower to work out! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but it needs to change. I can't lose any amount of noticeable weight if I don't get off my fucking ass :(

Today I've had 400 cal so far.

Not in the mood to write, I just feel ashamed and worthless.

So far today: two hardboiled egg whites (35), almost a liter of water (0), and 2 cups of green tea (0). Dinner, if I stay home, will be turkey soup and something else. If I manage to go over the ex's (boyfriend's? I seriously do not know what is going on with us), I won't have to eat anything. I'll go over around 6:30, say I already ate, and then hopefully won't have to eat there.

How long is this going to fucking take? I feel like I can't wear any of my cute clothes because they look like shit because I'm huuuugggeee. My boyfriend's dad told me to stop wearing sweatpants over. He was joking, we tease each other all the time, but that really is all I wear now. And Spring Rush is coming up, and I have to look cute for that-- which means fitting into my jeans, which means not being a fucking fatass.

Ugh this has nothing to do with eating or weight loss, so don't feel the need to read. I just need to vent. Typically, it's the boy situation.

His other girl. I FUCKING HATE HER. And we're speaking of the ex's other girl, the one he sees when I'm away at school. I don't think I ever fully explained our situation, but the way we worked things out, this is pretty allowable, him having this girl. And I am an extremely unselfish, allowing, non-jealous person. I'm not just saying that either, when we were committed I had no problem with him going out to party on his own, and was never ONCE ever suspicious.

But I feel like that part of me is being corrupted by this weird, unnatural agreement we've come to. Just because I come home doesn't mean she goes away for a month-- she still texts him, facebooks him, and just in general turns me a violent, ugly shade of green. It's turning me into the kind of girl I absolutely despise, one who constantly questions where her man is, who he's texting, what he's texting, whether he is where he says he is.... a Neurotic Bitch, to put it delicately. I haven't yet gotten to the level of voicing these concerns out loud thank god, but who's to say it won't eventually get to that point?

I feel like she and I are in a silent battle over his facebook page. Whenever she posts something on his wall, I'll wait a few days, and then post something funny, snarky, and adorable, usually containing an inside joke to remind her that he is still MY man. She does the same thing.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach every time I see her on his facebook. Literally I feel pressure in my chest. An ugly jealous green monster, probably.

I hate her. Not her personally, but the idea of her. She could be any other girl and I would still hate her.

Phew.

So today's been good so far, about 50 cal worth of tiny nibbles here and there (some flakes of raisin bran, three dark chocolate M&M's, a bite of a bagel). I did make that soup and let me tell you... it only tastes good when you're really hungry. Blegh. It jsut tasted too salty/metallic for me, probably the hot sauce but I could only stomach two cups before I dumped the rest. I like spicy things, but not salty. Ewwie. 

My CW is absolutely revolting, I can't even post it. Ugh. I just want to fall asleep for a week and be five pounds lighter. I can't stand being awake because I always feel fat. I can literally feel it hanging off me and it is DISGUSTING. I hate disliking my body so much :( I want to feel good and sexy and confident, but I can't now-- I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I want it to be REAL when I feel sexy, not just some lame artificial feeling.

Ex is in bed with a high fever, I wish I had a car so I could go see him and bring him something. And new boy (we'll call him Justin. he's the one who I took to formal) texted me last night, wanting to snuggle and making up for the obscene amount of drunk texts I sent him from the beach. AND my old crush who I am still obsessed with even though I shouldn't be (we'll call him Peter) suddenly has me in his facebook profile picture, texted me all weekend while I was at the beach, and wants to hang out first weekend back. I know I need to drop him but there is this really annoying attraction to him I can't seem to shake off. Justin is so sweet and fun and gentlemanly though, and doesn't feed my curiosity to try drugs. Peter... I did ecstasy with him for the first time and want to do it again, and he fully encourages it, as well as encouraging crazy amounts of drinking and sex. I really want to do these things (which are BAD for me), and he's not making it easy to resist.

Hmm. I think I need to cut back on correspondence with boys. But I can't. Maybe it's another one of my self-validation techniques. I've been obsessed with boys since middle school. Didn't have my first kiss until senior year. Maybe it's just built-up boy craziness that will eventually subside.

back from a quick weekend at the beach, and by beach I mean looking at the ocean from the window because if I went outside I would have been blown away-- the wind was CRAZY.

Siblings and parents start school tomorrow, which means I have the house to myself for two weeks. Tomorrow means running in the morning, green tea all day, water, and two cups of the soup I concocted. Recipe as follows: 1 1/2 - 2 cups water, 1 chicken bouillon cube, red pepper flakes, and some hot sauce. maybe I can chop up some celery and carrots to put in since I'll have more time to make it. But the whole thing is 5 calories (for the bouillon cube), a little more if I add veggies. 

And that will be my food for tomorrow. For dinner, I'm going to say I'm going over the boy's, and then maybe I'll go for a run if he's not home to visit. Either way, I will not be home for dinner.

Happy New Years!

And with that out of the way.... ew. I am absolutely disgusting. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be skinny and have done with it?? I'm tired of being frustrated with myself. It's exhausting to lose weight and then gain it right back again. I'm sick of being disgusted with my body. It's exhausting and emotionally draining and I want to love my body like I used to. I want to feel sexy without deluding myself. I want to be sexy, not just think it.

And newsflash... my cousin is using me as a model for her fashion show. Because I'm tall and "skinny". PAHAH. Wtf??? Has she seen me recently? I really really want to do it, it was so much fun last year. I love being onstage for some weird reason, even though anywhere else I'm embarrassingly shy. BUT. I am not anywhere near an acceptable weight to wear her beautiful clothes. She does this gorgeous beadwork on everything, and I don't want to look like a bedazzled sausage walking down the runway. I want to do her beautiful clothes justice.

FATASSFATASSFATASSFATTYFATFATFATFAT.