I feel absolutely disgusting. And FAT. Fat as a freaking rhinoceros.
I have eaten probably around 7 or 8 cookies today. Buttery, sugary cookies, with chocolate chips, ROLLED IN MORE SUGAR. I ate all my meals very healthily, everything was veggies except for the half of a small angus burger patty. But I went out of control with the snacking, like seriously out of control disgusting. I just feel fucking fat. Ugh. I HATE COOKIES I WANT TO THROW UP. But then everyone will hear me... so no puking. It's a terrible habit anyway. But god dammit I really want to. At least I haven't gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out to our backyard to vom... I used to do that when I lived at the beach and pretend I was going for a walk. Extra fucked up.
On a different, sort of funny note, my brother totally called me out today. "All you do is bake. And you don't even eat what you bake, you just make everyone else eat it and get fat."
...exactly.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
12/21/11
Well today just started off fucking miserable.
I always wake up and check my emails, and this morning there was one from the housing director of our sorority house. Apparently, she went into my (LOCKED) room, and saw the champagne bottle and beer can left over from when I turned 21 last week. Alcohol isn't allowed in the house, but everyone drinks anyway we just keep it in our rooms. And you know, I assumed that if I locked the door to my personal living space, I would be okay.
WRONG. Nationals is fining me $400 because our housing director reported it. Four-hundred fucking dollars that I do not have. For having alcohol. Even though I'm 21. So I obviously had to tell my parents, and I'm considering just telling Nationals to piss off, but then they might kick me out of the house and I don't want them to come down hard on anyone else either. This whole mess is just ridiculous and stupid. And that is a RIDICULOUS amount to pay for an alcohol fine, when the person being fined is of age. My boyfriend is helping me write an email asking them to reduce it. But I still sort of want to tell them to fuck off, I'll find my own apartment and move the fuck out. And at least then I'd get better meals, since our chef fucking sucks and is gross.
Ughhhh. Sorry, I just needed to rant. At least the stress is keeping me from eating. And I love my hipbones today.
I always wake up and check my emails, and this morning there was one from the housing director of our sorority house. Apparently, she went into my (LOCKED) room, and saw the champagne bottle and beer can left over from when I turned 21 last week. Alcohol isn't allowed in the house, but everyone drinks anyway we just keep it in our rooms. And you know, I assumed that if I locked the door to my personal living space, I would be okay.
WRONG. Nationals is fining me $400 because our housing director reported it. Four-hundred fucking dollars that I do not have. For having alcohol. Even though I'm 21. So I obviously had to tell my parents, and I'm considering just telling Nationals to piss off, but then they might kick me out of the house and I don't want them to come down hard on anyone else either. This whole mess is just ridiculous and stupid. And that is a RIDICULOUS amount to pay for an alcohol fine, when the person being fined is of age. My boyfriend is helping me write an email asking them to reduce it. But I still sort of want to tell them to fuck off, I'll find my own apartment and move the fuck out. And at least then I'd get better meals, since our chef fucking sucks and is gross.
Ughhhh. Sorry, I just needed to rant. At least the stress is keeping me from eating. And I love my hipbones today.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
12/20/11
Today I was SO good. I had... well, probably upwards of 4 cups of coffee to start my day, and didn't eat anything until around 3, where I ate half a small clementine. Then my best friend from grade school came over, so we chatted and I ended up having a whole clementine around 5 (pretty sure my dad ate my half from the other one haha oops). So... 52.5 calories before dinner. Woo!
For dinner we had pork chops, which are 250 calories for a small piece when baked, but I didn't eat all of mine, and then of course I ate all my steamed broccoli and very little of the potatoes. So today is actually under 400 calories so far!
Mmm... fuck. Well this has quickly gotten back to the old ways; I'm surprisingly still very skilled at not eating. I'm worried I'm going to fall back into the cycle though... just have to ease myself off restriction slowly, so I don't binge. I don't ever want to go through that again. I felt worthless literally all the time.
I still didn't go for a run today... I know, bad me, but at least I've gotten my eating under control right? I think I may end every post this break with how much I miss my scale... scale, we were never meant to be apart. I'll do anything. Forgive me?
*edit* just had 1/2 c canned pumpkin with some spices because I thought it would taste like pumpkin pie. WRONG. Vommm.
For dinner we had pork chops, which are 250 calories for a small piece when baked, but I didn't eat all of mine, and then of course I ate all my steamed broccoli and very little of the potatoes. So today is actually under 400 calories so far!
Mmm... fuck. Well this has quickly gotten back to the old ways; I'm surprisingly still very skilled at not eating. I'm worried I'm going to fall back into the cycle though... just have to ease myself off restriction slowly, so I don't binge. I don't ever want to go through that again. I felt worthless literally all the time.
I still didn't go for a run today... I know, bad me, but at least I've gotten my eating under control right? I think I may end every post this break with how much I miss my scale... scale, we were never meant to be apart. I'll do anything. Forgive me?
*edit* just had 1/2 c canned pumpkin with some spices because I thought it would taste like pumpkin pie. WRONG. Vommm.
Monday, December 19, 2011
12/19/11
Here's to the month-long spree of not having a scale! I started out today wanting to fast, and it wasn't hard at all. I broke it because I didn't feel like coming up with excuses at dinner, so I made some vegetables to fill up on before my mom got home-- so I wouldn't eat as much at dinner.
I counted calories today for the first time in ages, love it I need to keep doing it. It really keeps me from mindlessly snacking. I totaled at 635 calories today, not too bad, and it would have been less if I hadn't made a dessert off a health nut blog. What can I say... I'm addicted to baking. It was really super-healthy in a normal mindset-- basically semisweet chocolate and pureed pumpkin. But I still wish I hadn't eaten it, I'd be under 500 for today. Oh well. And I made a 100 calorie soy latte before I decided to break my fast... REALLY wish I hadn't drank that, I definitely could've just drank tea. (I've had around ten cups today anyway, one more wouldn't hurt).
Let's see, tomorrow... I will eat my veggies, and egg white with toast again. Maybe I'll skip dinner. I really want to go out with my friends, so I might say I'm going out to eat, and then just meet them at the bar and tell them I already ate. Save calories for the wine :]
FUCK I WANT MY SCALE
Emotional dependancy on an object... probs not healthy dontcareiwantitnow
I counted calories today for the first time in ages, love it I need to keep doing it. It really keeps me from mindlessly snacking. I totaled at 635 calories today, not too bad, and it would have been less if I hadn't made a dessert off a health nut blog. What can I say... I'm addicted to baking. It was really super-healthy in a normal mindset-- basically semisweet chocolate and pureed pumpkin. But I still wish I hadn't eaten it, I'd be under 500 for today. Oh well. And I made a 100 calorie soy latte before I decided to break my fast... REALLY wish I hadn't drank that, I definitely could've just drank tea. (I've had around ten cups today anyway, one more wouldn't hurt).
Let's see, tomorrow... I will eat my veggies, and egg white with toast again. Maybe I'll skip dinner. I really want to go out with my friends, so I might say I'm going out to eat, and then just meet them at the bar and tell them I already ate. Save calories for the wine :]
FUCK I WANT MY SCALE
Emotional dependancy on an object... probs not healthy dontcareiwantitnow
Sunday, December 18, 2011
but wait
I lied. I want to fast tomorrow. And Tuesday if I can. I was just going through the catacombs of my blog sunce I can't sleep, and found this post. It's from a little under 2 years ago, and I was at the same weight I'm at now. Funny how that is, huh? But whatev. Fasting for 2 days with exercise will def drop me at least two pounds.
143 (?)
The question mark being, I left my scale at school over break. At the time it seemed like a great idea-- "Won't it be great to go back and see how much weight I lost??!" But now I'm freaking out; I feel like I've eaten so much and I've had TWO mini- to full-on binges since I've been home. I HAVEN'T BINGED IN MONTHS. God dammit, I'm having a mild freak-out and I wish I had my scale. It would really help me calm down... wow this is sad.
I know it's bad, but I've started trolling around the old pro-ana sites I used to go to. I just want to get rid of these pesky 8 (or 15...) pounds, and I want them gone now. If I just restrict well over break, it should be so easy to get rid of the extra weight.. but ugh WHY THE FUCK AM I BINGEING AGAIN??? Seriously. Fucking gross, I thought I was over and done with that shit.
Anyway. Enough ranting for one post. Time for planning out my weight-loss break. Each week, I want to create a new resolution and stick to it. For the first week, my rule is going to be...
(dun dun dunnnn)
NO EATING AFTER 8PM.
This will effectively kill the binge monster that's reared its fucking ugly head again. I only binge when everyone else is asleep and can't see me... and that's after 8. So no food for you, fuck you fatso binge monster.
I also want to get back into running form. This is mostly what will keep the weight off. So tomorrow, I want to run a nice long 5.5 mile route. Ambitious, you say? Yeah probs, but I have all day and nothing to do, so I'm going to punish my body for getting out of shape. Also, I can tell my boyfriend likes me skinnier (duh, who wouldn't) and it's really motivational. He couldn't stop staring at me before we left :) Not that it's any reason to stop now. I want to go back from break at least 8lb lighter, and that means running every day (I'll give myself 5 skip days, that's one a week plus one extra).
So tomorrow, I'll put up my skip day stickies and go for a run. Every time I skip a workout I have to take away a sticky-- I respond to visual shit like that. And every other day, it's a distance workout. Of course, two of those stickies will go for driving to and from the cabin, so in reality I only have three "lazy day" stickies. And I'm going to count skiing as working out; I'll just go at a vicious pace. great thigh workout.
Hum. Okay getting sleepy.
GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS MY SCALE. I neeeeeeed it :(
I know it's bad, but I've started trolling around the old pro-ana sites I used to go to. I just want to get rid of these pesky 8 (or 15...) pounds, and I want them gone now. If I just restrict well over break, it should be so easy to get rid of the extra weight.. but ugh WHY THE FUCK AM I BINGEING AGAIN??? Seriously. Fucking gross, I thought I was over and done with that shit.
Anyway. Enough ranting for one post. Time for planning out my weight-loss break. Each week, I want to create a new resolution and stick to it. For the first week, my rule is going to be...
(dun dun dunnnn)
NO EATING AFTER 8PM.
This will effectively kill the binge monster that's reared its fucking ugly head again. I only binge when everyone else is asleep and can't see me... and that's after 8. So no food for you, fuck you fatso binge monster.
I also want to get back into running form. This is mostly what will keep the weight off. So tomorrow, I want to run a nice long 5.5 mile route. Ambitious, you say? Yeah probs, but I have all day and nothing to do, so I'm going to punish my body for getting out of shape. Also, I can tell my boyfriend likes me skinnier (duh, who wouldn't) and it's really motivational. He couldn't stop staring at me before we left :) Not that it's any reason to stop now. I want to go back from break at least 8lb lighter, and that means running every day (I'll give myself 5 skip days, that's one a week plus one extra).
So tomorrow, I'll put up my skip day stickies and go for a run. Every time I skip a workout I have to take away a sticky-- I respond to visual shit like that. And every other day, it's a distance workout. Of course, two of those stickies will go for driving to and from the cabin, so in reality I only have three "lazy day" stickies. And I'm going to count skiing as working out; I'll just go at a vicious pace. great thigh workout.
Hum. Okay getting sleepy.
GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS MY SCALE. I neeeeeeed it :(
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
143.8
Boom. Wooo! Forgot to mention I almost did full raw yesterday, minus some chocolate (ultimate weakness), a little pasta, and a greek yogurt. I am pleased. I'll prob come back on here later so I can motivate myself before dinner... always an issue.
**edit** hahaha oops just realized I typed a 5 instead of a 4 for my weight... god. Never letting myself get up there again, fucking gross.
**edit** hahaha oops just realized I typed a 5 instead of a 4 for my weight... god. Never letting myself get up there again, fucking gross.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
144.6
Wow.
Sorry about the MIA status... life sort of took over for a while. Hence me only losing about 3lb. in three months (ick), but hey, at least I'm not gaining. The thing is... I haven't been restricting. Like, at all. I pretty much have eaten whatever I wanted, in smaller sizes, and if I feel like I've been too out of control then I have a more restrictive day-- but I still eat plenty. It's really been good for my self-image; I'm so much happier and I hardly think about how fat I am.
In other news... that date I posted about a few months ago? We've officially been dating for three months now :) I love him. He is so sweet, and tries so hard to make me happy. siuhgiuhbifb. So happy :) But now I've decided I want to get skinnier for his birthday (in January). I guess guys like bones, because whenever we're lying together he runs his hands over my ribs and hipbones, just like my ex did. (side note: RIBS AND HIPBONES HAVE SURFACED ONCE AGAIN YAYYYY). But yeah, time to kick it into high gear for a bit.
Oh, also I want to lose 2-3lb by next Monday. I finally turn 21, fucking finally. I've been doing research on raw diets, and I definitely want to try it for at least the next few days. Basically, I'd eat raw fruits/veggies for all meals, and for one meal I can also have a fat-free greek yogurt, raw oats, protein bar, or some other lean protein source. And if our chef makes veggie soup, also that. (it's freaking cold up here, give me a break).
Well yeah. WOO HIPBONES :)
Sorry about the MIA status... life sort of took over for a while. Hence me only losing about 3lb. in three months (ick), but hey, at least I'm not gaining. The thing is... I haven't been restricting. Like, at all. I pretty much have eaten whatever I wanted, in smaller sizes, and if I feel like I've been too out of control then I have a more restrictive day-- but I still eat plenty. It's really been good for my self-image; I'm so much happier and I hardly think about how fat I am.
In other news... that date I posted about a few months ago? We've officially been dating for three months now :) I love him. He is so sweet, and tries so hard to make me happy. siuhgiuhbifb. So happy :) But now I've decided I want to get skinnier for his birthday (in January). I guess guys like bones, because whenever we're lying together he runs his hands over my ribs and hipbones, just like my ex did. (side note: RIBS AND HIPBONES HAVE SURFACED ONCE AGAIN YAYYYY). But yeah, time to kick it into high gear for a bit.
Oh, also I want to lose 2-3lb by next Monday. I finally turn 21, fucking finally. I've been doing research on raw diets, and I definitely want to try it for at least the next few days. Basically, I'd eat raw fruits/veggies for all meals, and for one meal I can also have a fat-free greek yogurt, raw oats, protein bar, or some other lean protein source. And if our chef makes veggie soup, also that. (it's freaking cold up here, give me a break).
Well yeah. WOO HIPBONES :)
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