Hoooly crap. Okay so, faced with an entire night of painting ahead of me, I had to eat something. And that something (a spinach wrap with grilled veggies and cucumber) turned into several things: hb egg whites, carrots, celery, a weird grilled vegetarian thing, a bagel, a cup of cheerios, and half a cookie. And then a kitkat bar :( so I was feeling not so awesome last night.

But this morning.... 141.5 pounds!!! YES! I don't know how on earth this happened, but I don't really care :) I'm fasting again for another three days (so until Sunday), and then eating Sunday night and fasting for another three days. Because I've dropped almost eight freaking pounds since I started this, granted some was water weight, but I'm excited to see the numbers going down.

And look who spoke too soon. Lol I could barely get out of bed this morning, my whole body was exhausted. So far it was a water/herbal tea fast, as in ZERO calories, but I needed something to give me energy so I picked up an orange juice, dumped a tablet of airborne in it (1,00000% vitamin C or something) chugged and went to the gym. I was barely able to get a good workout, I just did the stair machine for ten minutes and then did arms and abs like normal. And I have no motivation to do work. BUT I was able to squeeze into my rush jeans just a tiny bit easier :) hopefully I can hit 140 by Saturday.

oh boy. Day 2 of fasting now complete. And what a success! I'm back to 143 (oh the days when this was an atrocious number... I'll get there soon!), AND I had so many temptations that were pretty much easy to resist. THe worst of which, someone brought in home-baked Amish sweet bread to my seminar and proceeded to pass around a hefty serving slathered in butter to everyone. Bread is my absolute weakness, but I took my plate, looked at it for a second, and then made my neighbor eat it.

Oh. And the boyfriend with a fucking new slut thing actually worked. When I felt myself wanting the tiny corner piece that was left on my plate, I just thought about them dating and I felt sick to my stomach. I guess every gray cloud has its silver lining!

I'm barely hungry. I know it's only been two days, but I was expecting more pain and weakness by now. I guess we'll see how it works out tomorrow. And I don't know whether I should sleep in or go to the gym tomorrow... I think gym is appropriate. I'm in a time crunch for skinniness.

ATTENTION ATTENTION.

I now have the ultimate motivation to get me through weeks of fasting, hours of running, and the largest growls my stomach could ever make. 

I hope none of you ever have to experience the singularly unique feeling of seeing your boyfriend's facebook status as "in a relationship" with another troll girl.

Let me tell you, the complete lack of hunger I feel right now is just awesome.

Yesterday I got in a huge fight with my boyfriend before rush practice. So I wasn't tempted to binge right after, and I did so well until I got home and started thinking about things, and before I knew it I had gone down to the dining hall and gotten a veggie wrap, potatoe wedges, veggies (trying to be healthy... yeah RIGHT), came up to the room, ate it all, and then proceeded to inhale cookies and a Butterfingers bar. UGH.

So I decided I'm going to do a six-day fast. Today was great, I've had water and a cup of coffee, and I worked out at the gym :) I'm doing the first four days with a lovely girl on Doll Parts, so that'll definitely help me get through the worst of it! 

I've never faster for longer than a day. We'll see what happens, but I think I can stick this out as long as I keep busy. I have to finish this. I need to be skinny for our next party in two weeks, and for my skinny jeans, and especially for walking at model tryouts. God.

Down one more pound! I'm on track for rush, and in okay shape for modeling tryouts. I really want to blow my cousin away when she sees me. Last year when I modeled, I just remember the dress not fitting and the designer having to struggle to zip up the back... that's when I started this shit eating and thinking. That will not happen again. I refuse to be embarrassed backstage when we're all walking around in our underwear, and I REFUSE to be the "fat model" in her collection. Eff that. I love being on stage and walking in shows, and I don't want to feel ashamed of myself and take away the fun.

I just want to be delicate. I want to feel small and graceful and breakable and lovely.

Hmm. Well last night I went out and whatnot, did not eat a single thing ALL DAY. I have never been able to do that at school before. So proud of me during the the day... but when I came home I got a bag of sunchips from the vending machine :( EWW. I hate chips when I'm sober, but drunk me craves them all the freaking time. Yucky.

Buuuut on that note: I lost THREE POUNDS! It is most likely water weight, but woohoooo!!! Today is another no-no for solid food, just my lemonade and tea/water. Oh and yesterday, first also, I went to the dining hall and didn't eat a thing, just drank coffee (they were out of hot water for tea...wtf?). My excuse was I wanted to see everyone but had already eaten. That's been my problem, meeting for dinner is sometimes the only way I can see my friends during the week because we're all so busy. But yesterday was so good :)

Tonight we have a Jersey Shore-themed party with one of my favorite frats (hmmm that sounded like the stereotype sorority girl... sue me haha). Excited! And tomorrow is an ABC (Anything But Clothes) and I'll be wearing a flag. I wanted to wear a bikini for Jersey Shore, but too fat right now. Not until I get to 125 AT LEAST do I show my midriff.

Hey so oh my goodness! I have some followers :) I never really checked to see and whatnot, I guess I just thought my blog was lost in the massive blogspot site, but to all you beautiful girls, thank you for following! I know my ramblings aren't always the most coherent, but it makes me feel nice that people read them :)

Anyway, on the third day of lemonade... or technically I started over, since I had to go to the dining hall yesterday, so I ate a veggie salad and half a whole-grain bagel (no spread but still, mehhh). But today I have had NOTHING. Not even a nibble of something. Just my lemonade, water, and a cup of green tea :) 

I didn't have class til 1:30, so I went to the new gym across from my dorm... it is AWESOME. Normally it's crowded but everyone was in classes or sleeping when I went, so it was empty. And all the machines are so clean and new and there's a cool new kind of EFX machine where I can adjust the slope... it's just the best. And it's literally right out the door from my dorm, I can run over there in shorts if I don't feel like putting on a jacket for this arctic weather we've been having.

So yeah, been working hard... I've lost three pounds. I'm still atrocious-looking, but whatever. My first goal is to hit 137 by the first weekend of Rush. And to be at the most, 125 by Feb 10th. Because my cousin asked me to model for her senior collection, and that's tryout date, and I want to model for other people too :) I love modeling! But ewwww I cannot look anywhere near as tubby as I am now.

Whew! That was a long one haha. xxox

Starting the lemonade diet tomorrow. For two weeks until formal sorority recruitment. Ugh. I just feel so fucking gross. Like absolutely disgusting. I feel like I'm saying that in all my posts now, but I just do. 

I want someone to want me :( I know that sounds shallow, but I want to be cute. It would be nice.

I can barely look at myself.

Since my last post... it's been binge central. Absolutely disgusting. I've blocked most of it out because that's what I do, but the scale does not lie. Fucking hormones... I never fail to get this way right before my monthlies, it's so fucking annoying. That's my goal for next month: don't be a huge slobby eating mess. I hate the helpless, hopeless feeling after a binge. Like it's impossible for me to be skinny and I'll never reach my goal.

Today.. I've had a piece of dry toast (70 cal) and two cups of green tea. And a liter of water.

Hanging with my (ex?)boyfriend when he gets home from school.. so easy to resist there, and I'll be able to hopefully miss dinner at home-- my mom's making meatloaf, a personal fave, and I don't want to be anywhere near the house when that comes out of the oven.

So how neurotic is this... I just made a schedule for tomorrow morning. Literally down to the minute.

9:50 – up, wash face, PUT ON WORKOUT GEAR

10:00 – sit ups 100

10:02 – water boil

10:06 – pour tea

10:07 sit ups 100

10:10-10:30 – drink tea, 1 L water, prettythin, dollparts

10:30 – make broccoli stir-fry

11:10 - sit-ups 125

11:15 – jog down to trail and back (3-4 miles)

12:45 – sit-ups 125

1:00 – shower, shave, exfoliate

1:30 – moisturize with baby oil, then body butter

1:45 – set face steam up and do nails

1:55 – steam face

2:00 – dry hair

2:00 on: with friends, and then out for sushi with George :) already looked up low-cal options

today... dropped a pound :/ but for some reason I have lost the willpower to work out! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but it needs to change. I can't lose any amount of noticeable weight if I don't get off my fucking ass :(

Today I've had 400 cal so far.

Not in the mood to write, I just feel ashamed and worthless.

So far today: two hardboiled egg whites (35), almost a liter of water (0), and 2 cups of green tea (0). Dinner, if I stay home, will be turkey soup and something else. If I manage to go over the ex's (boyfriend's? I seriously do not know what is going on with us), I won't have to eat anything. I'll go over around 6:30, say I already ate, and then hopefully won't have to eat there.

How long is this going to fucking take? I feel like I can't wear any of my cute clothes because they look like shit because I'm huuuugggeee. My boyfriend's dad told me to stop wearing sweatpants over. He was joking, we tease each other all the time, but that really is all I wear now. And Spring Rush is coming up, and I have to look cute for that-- which means fitting into my jeans, which means not being a fucking fatass.

Ugh this has nothing to do with eating or weight loss, so don't feel the need to read. I just need to vent. Typically, it's the boy situation.

His other girl. I FUCKING HATE HER. And we're speaking of the ex's other girl, the one he sees when I'm away at school. I don't think I ever fully explained our situation, but the way we worked things out, this is pretty allowable, him having this girl. And I am an extremely unselfish, allowing, non-jealous person. I'm not just saying that either, when we were committed I had no problem with him going out to party on his own, and was never ONCE ever suspicious.

But I feel like that part of me is being corrupted by this weird, unnatural agreement we've come to. Just because I come home doesn't mean she goes away for a month-- she still texts him, facebooks him, and just in general turns me a violent, ugly shade of green. It's turning me into the kind of girl I absolutely despise, one who constantly questions where her man is, who he's texting, what he's texting, whether he is where he says he is.... a Neurotic Bitch, to put it delicately. I haven't yet gotten to the level of voicing these concerns out loud thank god, but who's to say it won't eventually get to that point?

I feel like she and I are in a silent battle over his facebook page. Whenever she posts something on his wall, I'll wait a few days, and then post something funny, snarky, and adorable, usually containing an inside joke to remind her that he is still MY man. She does the same thing.

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach every time I see her on his facebook. Literally I feel pressure in my chest. An ugly jealous green monster, probably.

I hate her. Not her personally, but the idea of her. She could be any other girl and I would still hate her.

Phew.

So today's been good so far, about 50 cal worth of tiny nibbles here and there (some flakes of raisin bran, three dark chocolate M&M's, a bite of a bagel). I did make that soup and let me tell you... it only tastes good when you're really hungry. Blegh. It jsut tasted too salty/metallic for me, probably the hot sauce but I could only stomach two cups before I dumped the rest. I like spicy things, but not salty. Ewwie. 

My CW is absolutely revolting, I can't even post it. Ugh. I just want to fall asleep for a week and be five pounds lighter. I can't stand being awake because I always feel fat. I can literally feel it hanging off me and it is DISGUSTING. I hate disliking my body so much :( I want to feel good and sexy and confident, but I can't now-- I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I want it to be REAL when I feel sexy, not just some lame artificial feeling.

Ex is in bed with a high fever, I wish I had a car so I could go see him and bring him something. And new boy (we'll call him Justin. he's the one who I took to formal) texted me last night, wanting to snuggle and making up for the obscene amount of drunk texts I sent him from the beach. AND my old crush who I am still obsessed with even though I shouldn't be (we'll call him Peter) suddenly has me in his facebook profile picture, texted me all weekend while I was at the beach, and wants to hang out first weekend back. I know I need to drop him but there is this really annoying attraction to him I can't seem to shake off. Justin is so sweet and fun and gentlemanly though, and doesn't feed my curiosity to try drugs. Peter... I did ecstasy with him for the first time and want to do it again, and he fully encourages it, as well as encouraging crazy amounts of drinking and sex. I really want to do these things (which are BAD for me), and he's not making it easy to resist.

Hmm. I think I need to cut back on correspondence with boys. But I can't. Maybe it's another one of my self-validation techniques. I've been obsessed with boys since middle school. Didn't have my first kiss until senior year. Maybe it's just built-up boy craziness that will eventually subside.

back from a quick weekend at the beach, and by beach I mean looking at the ocean from the window because if I went outside I would have been blown away-- the wind was CRAZY.

Siblings and parents start school tomorrow, which means I have the house to myself for two weeks. Tomorrow means running in the morning, green tea all day, water, and two cups of the soup I concocted. Recipe as follows: 1 1/2 - 2 cups water, 1 chicken bouillon cube, red pepper flakes, and some hot sauce. maybe I can chop up some celery and carrots to put in since I'll have more time to make it. But the whole thing is 5 calories (for the bouillon cube), a little more if I add veggies. 

And that will be my food for tomorrow. For dinner, I'm going to say I'm going over the boy's, and then maybe I'll go for a run if he's not home to visit. Either way, I will not be home for dinner.

Happy New Years!

And with that out of the way.... ew. I am absolutely disgusting. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be skinny and have done with it?? I'm tired of being frustrated with myself. It's exhausting to lose weight and then gain it right back again. I'm sick of being disgusted with my body. It's exhausting and emotionally draining and I want to love my body like I used to. I want to feel sexy without deluding myself. I want to be sexy, not just think it.

And newsflash... my cousin is using me as a model for her fashion show. Because I'm tall and "skinny". PAHAH. Wtf??? Has she seen me recently? I really really want to do it, it was so much fun last year. I love being onstage for some weird reason, even though anywhere else I'm embarrassingly shy. BUT. I am not anywhere near an acceptable weight to wear her beautiful clothes. She does this gorgeous beadwork on everything, and I don't want to look like a bedazzled sausage walking down the runway. I want to do her beautiful clothes justice.

FATASSFATASSFATASSFATTYFATFATFATFAT.