12/23/11. Ew.

I feel absolutely disgusting. And FAT. Fat as a freaking rhinoceros.

I have eaten probably around 7 or 8 cookies today. Buttery, sugary cookies, with chocolate chips, ROLLED IN MORE SUGAR. I ate all my meals very healthily, everything was veggies except for the half of a small angus burger patty. But I went out of control with the snacking, like seriously out of control disgusting. I just feel fucking fat. Ugh. I HATE COOKIES I WANT TO THROW UP. But then everyone will hear me... so no puking. It's a terrible habit anyway. But god dammit I really want to. At least I haven't gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out to our backyard to vom... I used to do that when I lived at the beach and pretend I was going for a walk. Extra fucked up.

On a different, sort of funny note, my brother totally called me out today. "All you do is bake. And you don't even eat what you bake, you just make everyone else eat it and get fat."

...exactly.

12/21/11

Well today just started off fucking miserable.

I always wake up and check my emails, and this morning there was one from the housing director of our sorority house. Apparently, she went into my (LOCKED) room, and saw the champagne bottle and beer can left over from when I turned 21 last week. Alcohol isn't allowed in the house, but everyone drinks anyway we just keep it in our rooms. And you know, I assumed that if I locked the door to my personal living space, I would be okay.

WRONG. Nationals is fining me $400 because our housing director reported it. Four-hundred fucking dollars that I do not have. For having alcohol. Even though I'm 21. So I obviously had to tell my parents, and I'm considering just telling Nationals to piss off, but then they might kick me out of the house and I don't want them to come down hard on anyone else either. This whole mess is just ridiculous and stupid. And that is a RIDICULOUS amount to pay for an alcohol fine, when the person being fined is of age. My boyfriend is helping me write an email asking them to reduce it. But I still sort of want to tell them to fuck off, I'll find my own apartment and move the fuck out. And at least then I'd get better meals, since our chef fucking sucks and is gross.

Ughhhh. Sorry, I just needed to rant. At least the stress is keeping me from eating. And I love my hipbones today.

12/20/11

Today I was SO good. I had... well, probably upwards of 4 cups of coffee to start my day, and didn't eat anything until around 3, where I ate half a small clementine. Then my best friend from grade school came over, so we chatted and I ended up having a whole clementine around 5 (pretty sure my dad ate my half from the other one haha oops). So... 52.5 calories before dinner. Woo!

For dinner we had pork chops, which are 250 calories for a small piece when baked, but I didn't eat all of mine, and then of course I ate all my steamed broccoli and very little of the potatoes. So today is actually under 400 calories so far!

Mmm... fuck. Well this has quickly gotten back to the old ways; I'm surprisingly still very skilled at not eating. I'm worried I'm going to fall back into the cycle though... just have to ease myself off restriction slowly, so I don't binge. I don't ever want to go through that again. I felt worthless literally all the time.

I still didn't go for a run today... I know, bad me, but at least I've gotten my eating under control right? I think I may end every post this break with how much I miss my scale... scale, we were never meant to be apart. I'll do anything. Forgive me?

*edit* just had 1/2 c canned pumpkin with some spices because I thought it would taste like pumpkin pie. WRONG. Vommm.

12/19/11

Here's to the month-long spree of not having a scale! I started out today wanting to fast, and it wasn't hard at all. I broke it because I didn't feel like coming up with excuses at dinner, so I made some vegetables to fill up on before my mom got home-- so I wouldn't eat as much at dinner.

I counted calories today for the first time in ages, love it I need to keep doing it. It really keeps me from mindlessly snacking. I totaled at 635 calories today, not too bad, and it would have been less if I hadn't made a dessert off a health nut blog. What can I say... I'm addicted to baking. It was really super-healthy in a normal mindset-- basically semisweet chocolate and pureed pumpkin. But I still wish I hadn't eaten it, I'd be under 500 for today. Oh well. And I made a 100 calorie soy latte before I decided to break my fast... REALLY wish I hadn't drank that, I definitely could've just drank tea. (I've had around ten cups today anyway, one more wouldn't hurt).

Let's see, tomorrow... I will eat my veggies, and egg white with toast again. Maybe I'll skip dinner. I really want to go out with my friends, so I might say I'm going out to eat, and then just meet them at the bar and tell them I already ate. Save calories for the wine :]

FUCK I WANT MY SCALE

Emotional dependancy on an object... probs not healthy dontcareiwantitnow

but wait

I lied. I want to fast tomorrow. And Tuesday if I can. I was just going through the catacombs of my blog sunce I can't sleep, and found this post. It's from a little under 2 years ago, and I was at the same weight I'm at now. Funny how that is, huh? But whatev. Fasting for 2 days with exercise will def drop me at least two pounds.

143 (?)

The question mark being, I left my scale at school over break. At the time it seemed like a great idea-- "Won't it be great to go back and see how much weight I lost??!" But now I'm freaking out; I feel like I've eaten so much and I've had TWO mini- to full-on binges since I've been home. I HAVEN'T BINGED IN MONTHS. God dammit, I'm having a mild freak-out and I wish I had my scale. It would really help me calm down... wow this is sad.

I know it's bad, but I've started trolling around the old pro-ana sites I used to go to. I just want to get rid of these pesky 8 (or 15...) pounds, and I want them gone now. If I just restrict well over break, it should be so easy to get rid of the extra weight.. but ugh WHY THE FUCK AM I BINGEING AGAIN??? Seriously. Fucking gross, I thought I was over and done with that shit.

Anyway. Enough ranting for one post. Time for planning out my weight-loss break. Each week, I want to create a new resolution and stick to it. For the first week, my rule is going to be...

(dun dun dunnnn)

NO EATING AFTER 8PM.

This will effectively kill the binge monster that's reared its fucking ugly head again. I only binge when everyone else is asleep and can't see me... and that's after 8. So no food for you, fuck you fatso binge monster.

I also want to get back into running form. This is mostly what will keep the weight off. So tomorrow, I want to run a nice long 5.5 mile route. Ambitious, you say? Yeah probs, but I have all day and nothing to do, so I'm going to punish my body for getting out of shape. Also, I can tell my boyfriend likes me skinnier (duh, who wouldn't) and it's really motivational. He couldn't stop staring at me before we left :) Not that it's any reason to stop now. I want to go back from break at least 8lb lighter, and that means running every day (I'll give myself 5 skip days, that's one a week plus one extra).

So tomorrow, I'll put up my skip day stickies and go for a run. Every time I skip a workout I have to take away a sticky-- I respond to visual shit like that. And every other day, it's a distance workout. Of course, two of those stickies will go for driving to and from the cabin, so in reality I only have three "lazy day" stickies. And I'm going to count skiing as working out; I'll just go at a vicious pace. great thigh workout.

Hum. Okay getting sleepy.

GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS MY SCALE. I neeeeeeed it :(

143.8

Boom. Wooo! Forgot to mention I almost did full raw yesterday, minus some chocolate (ultimate weakness), a little pasta, and a greek yogurt. I am pleased. I'll prob come back on here later so I can motivate myself before dinner... always an issue.

**edit** hahaha oops just realized I typed a 5 instead of a 4 for my weight... god. Never letting myself get up there again, fucking gross.

144.6

Wow.

Sorry about the MIA status... life sort of took over for a while. Hence me only losing about 3lb. in three months (ick), but hey, at least I'm not gaining. The thing is... I haven't been restricting. Like, at all. I pretty much have eaten whatever I wanted, in smaller sizes, and if I feel like I've been too out of control then I have a more restrictive day-- but I still eat plenty. It's really been good for my self-image; I'm so much happier and I hardly think about how fat I am.

In other news... that date I posted about a few months ago? We've officially been dating for three months now :) I love him. He is so sweet, and tries so hard to make me happy. siuhgiuhbifb. So happy :) But now I've decided I want to get skinnier for his birthday (in January). I guess guys like bones, because whenever we're lying together he runs his hands over my ribs and hipbones, just like my ex did. (side note: RIBS AND HIPBONES HAVE SURFACED ONCE AGAIN YAYYYY). But yeah, time to kick it into high gear for a bit.

Oh, also I want to lose 2-3lb by next Monday. I finally turn 21, fucking finally. I've been doing research on raw diets, and I definitely want to try it for at least the next few days. Basically, I'd eat raw fruits/veggies for all meals, and for one meal I can also have a fat-free greek yogurt, raw oats, protein bar, or some other lean protein source. And if our chef makes veggie soup, also that. (it's freaking cold up here, give me a break).

Well yeah. WOO HIPBONES :)

147.6

I'm back at school now and things are going crazy here. Life is in full swing-- I went on a date tonight (AHHHHIVDFHBILHSFG), he's literally the sweetest guy ever. I went to Dayglow two nights ago, which was a great workout haha, I danced hardcore, non-stop, for four hours. I've been eating very well up until today (we had chinese for dinner, not that I'm complaining, I would eat McDonalds with this guy and be happy about it). Having a chef is AWESOME, and he always makes tofu or chicken which is great, since I'm a big fan of both. I absolutely love living in the sorority house, it's so much freaking fun and people are around all the time.

I want to keep losing weight, so it's back to the running grind tomorrow. I'm so behind on my training, blegh. Time to step it up! 8 miles tomorrow, I can totally do it. Right? Right. Fuck.

Oh also I want to fast on Tuesday. Nummmmmmm

149.4

I kept meaning to post this week, and every time I was about to sit down and write somebody came poking their nosy nose over my shoulder. GRR. Anyway, it's been a fairly good week, up and down a little bit, but I am feeling happy, well-fed, and weight is still (slowly) coming off.

I'm up to running 6 miles now, although today I took off because I left all my packing until the very last day I was home. Dumbdumbdumb. I've been packing all day, aside from an hour-long break to go to the salon and get attacked in the nether regions with wax and cloth strips (waxing, in case anyone didn't get that. I don't know how much sense I'm making right now, sort of loopy/tired).

Shoot. I can't remember if I posted this, but last Thursday I said goodbye to my now ex-boyfriend. I only cried a little bit in the car after, although I was pretty sad. He said I cried too much once, so I've been trying to keep it together around him.

***ahahaha defffffinitely just fell asleep for a second. It is not even 11PM yet, seriously???! Welp I'm to the cabin for two days before I move into school, no post til Sunday :) byebyebye!

150.4

Umm, hmm. I ended up breaking fast yesterday, not too bummed about it... I decided to have several cups of straight green tea, which always makes my empty stomach feel nauseous, so I cooked up some tomatoes, broccoli, zucchini, and mushrooms. DELICIOUS. I do not regret that decision at all. I also had a small piece of wheat toast, and a bite of meatloaf. The fact that I only had a bite is monumental: my mom's meatloaf is my absolute favorite thing ever.

Today I was scheduled to have an easier running day, so I only went 3.5 miles, awkwardly bouncing past an entire construction crew on the uphill part. I did my ab workout also. For breakfast I had some steel-cut oatmeal with flax seeds and flax meal (apparently you can only digest ground flax seeds, but I like the texture of the whole seeds so I put both in), probably 150-200 calories. After my run I had some OJ with airborne because my throat is getting sore, around 60 calories, and I just finished up a delicious salad around 25 or 30 calories. Gotta love that 10-calorie dressing. WOO.

Hrm. What else? Today is the day my boyfriend leaves, so this is really our last goodbye before we go our separate ways. It's weird, I don't know how to feel. Normally I'd be an emotional wreck, and I'm not sure why I'm so calm about it this time.

Oh, also I'm addicted to twitter, and have been sorely neglecting facebook. Sorrrrry FB. #tweettweet #soaddicting #forrealz

151

Hmm, scale is a little better today... I'm still mad I'm in the 150's, but I have lost ten pounds over the summer, and it's been a healthy weight loss so I'm positive I can keep it off. But I want to be closer to 140 when I get back, so I made a decision. I will fast twice a week until I move in at school. Cleansing.

Today I'm back on track with my running schedule, I still ran over what I'm supposed to (to make up for not working out at the lake). Total: 5.7 miles. And today is my fast day, so I've had two cups of coffee, about 2L of water, and a 150cal protein shake after my run. Normally I consider protein shakes to break the fast, but I don't want to lose any of the small muscle mass I've built up with weight training.

Also: I'm starting to get abs again!!! There's still a gross layer of fat that needs to gtfo pronto, but there's absolutely some definition there :] The workout I got is from Women's Health, linkie here in case anyone still reads my blog and wants to give it a try. I'm two weeks into the workout, although I do try and do sit-ups every morning as well (I've been slacking recently, so I think the abs peeking through are mostly due to the Women's Health thing).

All in all, seems like a fairly good day! No food yet, filling up my 3rd liter of water from the tap as soon as I post this, and I'll probably have two or three cups of detox tea just to even things out (and perhaps help with the no-poo situation... GRRR).

Guess that's it for now!

152

Constipated : (

I ate a good bit of cheese and bread on the trip (read: SANDWICHES), which I don't really eat that much of normally... hence, I feel stopped up and heavy. Ugh. I was so regular for a while too! Back to random pooing I guess.

K done with the TMI. I went right back out today and ran 5.5 miles, and it was suprisingly easy. I'll account most of it to the cool weather, because I certainly didn't do much while I was on vacation. I was active though! I learned how to waterski, which was SUPER fun, and did a lot of kayaking-- once at a relatively easy pace with my friend and her mom, and once at high intensity around the circumference of the lake while everyone else went golfing. It's actually a pretty decent ab workout if you have proper form :)

The boyfriend and I decided to see other people when we both leave for school. I was so nervous to say it to him, and he ended up agreeing completely with me and it absolutely could not have gone any better. I'll probably be a little sad once we leave, but I think it's a good decision.

Hopefully my run today got a bit of my water retention down-- working on hydrating with my third liter of water as I'm typing this. For dinner I had a spinach and egg white omlette with a massive side of mixed veggies, soooo delicious. I was vegetable-deprived all weekend.

149.8

Wahooo!! Back into the 140's :} perhaps only by .2 of a pound, but I'll take what I can get. I'm about to leave for my friend's lake house in NY; we'll hopefully run both days, but it still messes with my training schedule. Butttt I've been running more than I planned in my schedule, so hopefully it will even out.

I don't feel like writing too much today. I've decided to break up with my boyfriend for now, and I'm terrified, I don't want to do it but I really have to. More later, I don't feel like writing.

151.4

A lot has happened since my last post! I am doing so much better mentally now-- no more restrictive starve/binge cycles for me. I have become obsessed with health. Healthy food, healthy mindset, healthy (skinny) body. I signed up to run a half-marathon in ten weeks, which will definitely kick my butt into skinny shape in no time.

I've continued to make myself eat a healthy breakfast under 200 calories, which is improving my mood swings and making me a much happier person. I eat a light lunch and try to stay under 200 calories there too, and then I let myself have one or two low-calorie snacks (fat-free greek yogurt, a piece of fruit, a hardboiled egg... you get the idea). And then a light version of whatever we're having for dinner. My only issue is that I still get a little binge-y at night-- old habits die hard.

So here's my plan. From now until the marathon, I will not binge at night. A small snack is fine if I'm working and hungry, but it must be carefully planned out like my daytime snacks. NO MINDLESS MUNCHING.

If I stick to that, I will be skinnyminny by the time October rolls around. I'm not worried about falling off my running schedule, because I have an incredible fear of being the last one to come wheezing and dying across the finish line.

Oh. I guess I should mention the beach a few weeks ago.I got inappropriately drunk, fell out of a lifeguard chair, probably flashed everyone my panties... whoops. Embarrassing. But I managed to maintain my weight, which means I did not pig out as disgustingly as I could have.

151.2

Whaaaaat?? Woohoo, a pound overnight! And I even had a slice of pizza yesterday. Gosh. I mean I shouldn't get too excited... fat people lose weight more easily, it's a fact. Well whatever. I can reach 148 by the time I get to the beach, right? Correct answer: RIGHT.

I've been having pretty healthy breakfasts recently (as opposed to the unhealthy no breakfast). THis morning I had half a plain Chobani 0% greek yogurt (50) on top of three cut up strawberries and around a quarter cup of fresh raspberries (25+15). Plus my usual coffee, not black this morning since my mom made it like Black Tar of Death-- must've been expecting a rough day at work.

So anyway... 148 is totally achievable by the time I go to the beach. Three days, three pounds. GO.

152.2

Been absent for a few days... wow. I had a few binge-y days, pretty gross but *fingers crossed* not too much harm done, so far. I rand 4.5 miles yesterday and walked 2.6, and today I ran a fairly hilly 3.6 miles. Calorie counts have been meh, I didn't count them but today's probably ended up between 900 and 1500 (I know, real precise range there).

I had a breakthrough with my boyfriend. We were upstairs watching tv with his sister and she went to take a shower, and of course his massage turned into a go for sex and I sort of shut him down like I've been doing recently, and he called me out on it. Not in a mean way, just in a "what's going on with us lately" way. And it just sort of spilled out-- I told him I felt gross when he touched me, that I didn't feel like he deserved me, that I didn't feel pretty around him and felt like he was always imagining someone else when we did it because I was disgusting. Well, actually just the first part. But the rest was implied. I'm not really sure how he took it, but he held me so close-- literally, I was squished in his arms for an hour being nuzzled.

I love him. Why did I try to push him away?

And where the fuck is my sex drive? Oh yeah, at 140 lbs.

152.4

Whatever, not mad about it. I've had a super-protein day so far, let me tell you. Toad-in-the-hole for breakfast (not sure if it's what a toad-in-the-hole really is, but I toasted a piece of bread with a large hole cut out of the middle and cooked egg whites into the hole). It was actually super delicious, although I want to cut a bigger hole out next time-- not even for the calories, but because the dry toast doesn't taste good unless there's more egg. I'd say it was about 150 calories, and then for lunch with the kids I had a plain hot dog (160 cal) and a piece of watermelon (prob like 25).

So 335 calories so far! I'll round it up to a good 350 so I don't underestimate anything. It's 95 degrees out, so it's going to be three days in a row running for me since I probably won't go today.

Hahaha. Babysitting today was so easy compared to normal. All I really had to do was watch baby J for a while, pick up the other two from vacation bible school, and bring out the enormous drawer of crayons. I'm an art student, WHY haven't I set them up with coloring before?? I'm seriously an idiot.

152.4

Well, I ran yesterday and have had about 300 cal today... oatmeal (165), broccoli (20), almonds (85), two pretzels (30??). Oh wow go me and mental math, exactly 300!

That was before the cupcake. God only knows how many calories... I made them from scratch a few nights ago, and not from my normal baking websites that spell out all the nutrition counts for you. It was from a blog, and blogs normally = absent calorie counts.

Awesome.... good thing coffee doesn't have calories. Because that is all I will be eating for the rest of the evening. Ciao ciao fat belly!

Realization

I don't ever want to go back to where I was a mentally before a few months ago. I like what I'm doing now. I feel okay about things-- I'm generally not terrified to have a bit of bread, or meat (last summer I was convinced meat was the devil incarnate).

One time at the end of last summer, my mom made pancakes for dinner. I was terrified. I almost cried at the table. I cut up and pushed them around my plate, taking huge gulps of water and talking more than I ever do at the table. Anything to keep that mess of sugar and carbs out of my mouth. My whole family watched me duke it out with two pancakes. My sister intervened as I was mutilating the second one: "Are you going to eat or just mash it up?" The table went quiet for a second. I snapped at her, ate a bite, and left the table.

I never, ever want to struggle like that again.

151.5

I am stranded alone at my house. Family went to the cabin, boyfriend and best friend went to the beach, other friends went to the lake in NY. Even my dog is gone. I got invites to all but had to stay home because I babysit again Monday. Now-- part of this is extremely depressing/lonely, but part is also GREAT. I can eat whatever I want (very little), do whatever I want (wine in the bathtub last night) and go wherever I want (I live in the middle of nowhere. Nevermind).

Hahaha how sad is that? Originally I planned to fast all three days, but I've been binge-free for a long time and I don't know what fasting will do to my willpower in that arena. Yesterday I ate a few almonds and a bit of some toast my mom made me before she left, and then I made the most delicious stuffed pepper for dinner EVER. It was seriously bomb. Of course I omitted the cheese, and put in half the amount of brown rice, but it was so freaking good. And under 200 calories! FOR DINNER! Benefits of being home alone, eating whatever I want. And look at that up there! The scale does not lie. :)

Ugh. Then sometimes I think about the actual number instead of what I've lost, and I absolutely still cringe. fatfatfatfatfatfatttfatfat

153.4

Whew, back again.

Two weeks of traveling every setting of the upper east coast: New York City, suburban Connecticut, Adirondacks, and then Mt. Ketadin in Maine (no service for MILES). I loved everything, from crowded but awesome NYC to mountain-climbing in Maine. Am I a city or country girl? Mmmm, probs both.

Anyway, I ended up doing absolutely no damage-- I sort of watched what I ate, but not really. While I was in the city I barely ate, which helped me. One day I ate a carton of blueberries for lunch, and some chips with my margaritas for dinner; I most likely drank more calories than I ate there hehe. Connecticut/my cabin was probably the worst in terms of eating, but oh well. And the 11-hour climb up and over Mt. Ketadin was certainly a calorie-burner, and all I ate on that was an apple, almonds, and a Cliff Bar (which is 240 calories, not to be eaten unless actually climbing a mountain). Afterwards there was a little steak, but not much. Aaand that's pretty much it!

I started running again yesterday, and took the kids for a bike ride today (probably a little under 6 miles, and I was pulling one of them in the carriage behind me. lucky duck). I snacked a little too much when I got home though, and I hope my friend calls before dinner so I can run out and not eat. The veggie tonight is cauliflower, which I find disgusting, so I don't even want to fill up on that.

Maybe we can go swimming and I'll do subtle laps.

I'm having emotional distress over my two men. I've distanced myself from my boyfriend without even realizing I'm doing it. I think he's confused, and starting to catch on, and I don't want to hurt him any more than I have to... I don't know. So complicated. And P. stopped texting me a while ago. We talked for a bit on Independance Day, but I don't always want to be the one bothering him. And now I'm starting to wonder what will happen if I break up with my boyfriend and it's all for nothing. Gahhhh. I'm no good at this two-men business. I constantly feel guilty about everything I do, for absolutely good reason-- I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be doing this. Why am I? Because I am an idiot who falls way too hard, over everyone.

That feels a tiny bit better writing it out.

A tiny, teensy bit.

I'm the ghost of a girl that I want to be most

I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well.

Part lyrics to "The Lonely", Christina Perri.

153.6

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Also, yay for me, look at that number creep on down! Not much to share at the moment, other than... I don't know how that happened, because I had a rather disgusting peanut butter binge last night. Gross. From now on, I will not eat anything after 9pm. Absolutely not.

I didn't run yesterday, so today I have another 4.5 miles to go. I'm going to run every day until I leave for the city, since I won't really be able to do much working out there. My new clothes finally came in, yay!! I need to lose this stubborn 4 lb. If I can make it into the 140's by the time I'm on the train, I will be very happy.

To bring the scale, to not bring the scale... my fam will definitely think I'm a neurotic freak if I can't go a week and a half without weighing myself. But who am I kidding, I absolutely cannot go a week and a half without weighing myself, I'll get anxiety and probably gain back all my carefully lost weight. Is it very sad that part of the reason I want to hike Mt. Katahdin with my dad is that it's a great workout? Oops. That'll make up for my three days without exercise in NYC I warrant.

Haha just a funny side note... yesterday (very bored, mind you) I made a word document of all the people I have ever slept with, along with a little back-story. I was sort of tempted to post it on here, but my gut feeling said no fucking way that's asking for a scandal. But really, I post all about my embarrassing craziness on here, so my sex life really isn't too much worse. Hmm. To be determined at a later date.

155

Today's weight is good considering what I did yesterday. Read: nada, plus a night out for a beer and pretzel stick with the girls. Meh. Today I will get in my 4.5 again. I had a small bowl of berries and two coffees for breakfast, and dinner is looking to be create-your-own mini pizzas. If my mom lets me make a vegan one (sans chez), it shouldn't be too too bad. I get to pile it with lots of delicious spinach and broccoli and mushrooms and fresh tomater... won't even miss the cheese. Gosh I love spinach... I've been craving it, I used to buy it all the time while I was at school, but my mom rarely has it at the house.

That's something I miss, being able to stock my own pantry and fridge. True, I had to pay for everything, but I could buy a whole cabbage and have that as a meal for three days without (too many) weird looks. The hairy eyeball I would get if I asked my mom to scrounge up a cabbage for me is not worth it... plus she'd make me eat something else with it anyway.

I wonder how it'll be at school next year. We have a sit-down with our chef at the beginning of the year, saying what we like, don't like, are allergic to, etc etc. I might tell him I have a mild gluten allergy... idk, I'm just nervous about what he's going to cook. I hope he makes enough veggies (though to his credit, there's usually always a big salad). Who can tell?

(I had to stop writing in the middle of my post to take out my sister and get groceries, etc etc. I got a new purse YAY! I haven't owned a full-size purse since like junior year of high school... womp) Anyway. Just got back from shopping and my 4.5 mile run, I upped the intensity slightly today woo go me! I did have some frozen yogurt with my sister after shopping, which I felt guilty about, and which made me pick up my workout intensity, BUT. I just looked online, and it only ended up being 115 calories!!! Plus the blueberries and blackberries I dumped on top, which added around 50-60 more, but I think those are well worth it since they're full of fiber and I've been having poo issues.

Wow, pretty talkative today huh. Probably go for drinks around the fire later with my girlfriends, I'm going for least caloric, maximum alcoholic drinks. I need to get good and sloshed it's been a weird week.

154.6

I'm going to kill my scale a drawn-out and painful death. SRSLYTHO. It literally has it in for me. Yesterday I did very well, taking in just over 400 cal and running 4.5 miles again, so I was pretty excited to step on the scale this morning (rare occurrence). But no-- I step on, after peeing of course, and what do I see but a TWO POUND GAIN.

WHAT THE FUCK.

me: This can't be right. (steps off, walks downstairs, starts coffee machine, goes back upstairs)

scale: bahaha

me: (steps on) what?? no way, this is not correct!

scale: fuck you fattie!

me: (crying) WHAT THE FUCK I literally kicked my own ass yesterday!

scale: (middle finger)

me: :...(

scale: you are a fat fuck and nothing you do will ever change this.

me: (chugs .75L of water and gets back on the scale)

scale: you are still the same weight. Lardass.

me: IUAEJGILJILNVLIDG!!!!!SGBJSFIGB!!

scale: O_O (is pitched out window)

So after that happy exchange, and the water test (my stomach was about to explode), I came to the conclusion that it must be stuck or something. This isn't me just deluding myself that I'm not as fat as it said I am, right? Chugging all that water should have increased my weight, right?? After peeing, going about my business for the morning, yada yada making some roast tomaters for lunch, I get back on and

--LO AND BEHOLD--

I have dropped down three motherfucking pounds from the morning. THIS is more correct, I think. It's not dropped waterweight, because I've been drinking like a fish all morning. I think the stern talking-to I gave to my scale earlier made it clear I mean serious business, and it better straighten itself out or wife-scale and baby-scale will end up in the ocean with cement shoes.

Katie - 1. Asshole scale - 0.

156.4

NYC in a little over a week! I think 5lb is definitely doable by then, if not more (I'm hoping for more). I'm seeing almost all of my friends from school, and I just found out last night that a certain former formal date (call him P) will be there that weekend, and he wants to meet up. So good things. I will feel much better if I can get down to 150 by then; it's admittedly still an atrocious weight, but it'll be 10lb lighter than I was when I met him. I know, I know-- I had some serious bingeing problems that started in Italy and carried on through most of last semester. I'm trying to lose weight a little more healthily now; I don't want to get back into the binge habits after barely eating all summer.

Anyway, my weight/scale is wierd as SHIT lately-- I went up two pounds after Friday, and then came back down. But I still feel good (ish). Ran another 4.5 miles yesterday, and today I ran around 3 miles and I'm about to head to the gym with my brother to beast on the rowing machine and treadmill for an hour or two. I'm not focusing so much on calories or counting every last thing I eat; I am picking low-calorie options, I'm just not depriving myself like I used to. And I'm exercising much more than I have been over the last semester. Weight isn't falling off, per say, but it's a steady decline, and I'm okay with that.

But I do need to lose 5+ lb. in the next week. Let's aim for anything under 150, ready GO.

EDIT: Okay so I lied I might still be counting calories. I had an engrish muffin (150), coffee (10 w/bit of soy), some blueberries (uhh...35??), and a protein bar (180). And I kicked my big fat butt at the gym as far as weights were concerned-- I cannot lift my arms without pain. Most excellent.

156

Not much progress to report-- although, today I beasted out 4.5 miles. I haven't run that far, all at once, on my own, ever. Go me woo! I wonder what I'll be able to run once I get my butt in shape. Oh, the calorie-burning possibilities...

156

So I am doing pretty fucking fantastic updating, huh. Hating my obesity right now, not the numbers have been sloooowly creeping down. I'm on my second day in a row of running-- horribly out of shape like the useless lump I am, and just in time for the beach too! Ugh. I cannot even stomach the thought of walking around in a bikini right now, but for the sake of being tan... tan=illusionofskinny, so bikini it shall be.

Look out Ocean City, the beached whale cometh.

I haven't really been counting calories either... which is sort of stupid, but I'm also just not eating that much all at once. But I've been going to the kitchen like non-stop... sometimes I eat something and sometimes I don't, and I don't keep track so I just feel like I've eaten loads of shite.

Let's count together what Katie stuffed her face with today. Piece of toast (80) and small peach (40) for breakfast. Two-eggwhite omlette w/broccoli (45) for lunch. C/S some pasta, hopefully not too much got down so about 25? a slice of deli chicken breast (40) and a little more than half a slice of muenster cheese (wtf so fattening whyyyy. 60), and a handful of crackers/pretzels (we'll call it 80). Grand total of 370. urrrrggggghhhhhh.

But I did run 2.6 miles. Not far by any means, but it's way more than I usually do (read: nothing) and this is wayyyy less than I used to eat (read:bingefuckfacemode).

harumph. That's all for now.

Starting the Dukan Diet today. It's the first diet I've tried with strict long-term plans... i.e., not just a two week cleanse or what have you. And I'm not much of a dieter anyway, more of a restrict-binge-cry-restrict kind of girl. Supposedly this is what Catherine Middleton did to lose wedding weight, not that she's why I'm doing it haha. I was going to do the same thing except with vegetables, but that normally makes me irritable... perhaps protein will do the trick.

Basically for the first two weeks, you can only eat lean protein. So I bought tunafish and a shit-ton of eggs. Plus two protein bars, but I already ate them. Wow actually was such a fat-ass move... no wonder I'm huge. Although, the calorie count is the same as pop-tarts, which I have also eaten before, so I guess at least it has better nutritional value.

Anyways... first two weeks, lean protein. Then you alternate all-protein days with protein and veggie days, non-starchy ones obviously. And then you just... stay on that, until you reach target weight!

Woop. Today went as good as it was going to go, since I'm running on two hours of sleep. Protein bars, an egg, and tuna came to 630 calories... damn. At least it's less than what I've been eating, ugh. I can't even step on the scale right now, I'd probably have heart failure. Maybe in a few days.

Meh, yesterday and the day before.... drinking=eating. Ugh, so frustrating. But I haven't eaten anything besides the drunk food, so at least there's that.

Hahaha, interesting experience Wednesday night. So I obviously didn't eat anything all day or the days before really, and a few guys came over to celebrate my roommate's 21st birthday. Eventually we all went back to their frat--had to wait for the pledges to finish getting hazed. poor pledgies :(( So then we just proceed to get rip-roaring drunk, my friend and I were playing beer pong for about 5 straight games, and I was feeling great, that perfect silly happy drunk. Well, I was trying to finish my beer before the other team took their next shot, and I feel a burp coming-- except SUPRISE, not a burp, a little puke comes up. Oh, should probably warn you TMI haha. Well it was only us four girls and then the brothers, and I didn't want to be the dumb puking girl, so I tried swallowing it (I know, gross). Nope, just keeps coming up! I didn't feel sick or anything, it just wouldn't stop, so I quickly walked out their front door, puked, and ran back in. Weird-- guess my stomach likes some food with its beer. No one noticed, so I proceeded to keep drinking, and then smoked. STEALTH PUKE. That's the first time I've vommed from drinking in like... almost a year? Go me.

Yay college.

No eating.

EDIT AS OF SAT MORNING: bahahahaha spoke too soon. Apparently my poor little stomach is getting used to upchucking... at Olympics I puked everywhere (also, on my big. hahahahahaha) after doing several 40-second wine chugs. I'm having a hard time remembering that I can't go out as hard when I don't eat.... damn you competitive streak.

Dude, something is seriously weird with me. I've barely been hungry all day-- haven't even thought about food, which feels incredible. A day hasn't passed in over two years now where I don't think about eating, and I feel so amazing. I don't know how to describe it. I don't feel skinny, but I definitely don't feel miserable! Which is also good, because I look like a fucking cow haha.

I think I just contradicted myself, hum. Whatever. What a long road I have ahead.

Hmm, so this is becoming, what... a once-a-month update for me? Boo. Well let's have at it I guess, I started a two-week fast today, I had six small almonds to get rid of a headache and some Detox Tea, along with a ton of water. This coming weekend is going to be crazy, I really need to be careful with drinking since I won't be eating. On Friday, we have the annual Sisterhood Olympics, FAVORITE NIGHT EVER. Basically we split into teams, and each team has two thirties, a big bag of weed, and a pizza to finish. It's a race, my team tied for first last year (tie, because there were discrepancies... by the time everything is finished, everyone is shit-housed and nobody remembered who finished first haha). Sort of worried, smoking always killlllls me, but whatever. It comes once a year, and so much fun!!! The night after is initiation, so I'll stay fairly sober to watch out for grand-little and make good decisions for her.

Meh. Not much else to say. I'm not really that hungry, which is weird.

Hum. I guess today wasn't too bad. I ate a little more than I should have, but I guess it was still a good day. I had the last of the cabbage soup, a cup of broccoli, three palm-fulls of oyster crackers, a cup of diet hot chocolate (25cal) and a fudge heart (BAD). Meh... could have done better. This weight isn't going to lose itself.

I need to start drinking before bed. I'm having such issues falling asleep.

This weekend went quite well. Went to the gym every day except today (because of so much work... barf). Also ate very minimally, pretty sure I never went over 200 cal except friday, that was probably in the 300's. I have no clue how much I'm losing, which is sort of frustrating, but at least I've been able to stay on track.

Tomorrow I really need to sleep in. I've been trying to get up early and it just doesn't work. Also, I'm up and it's almost 2am. I should go to the gym in the morning, but I kinda want to just paint. And then go to the gym afterwards. I hate going when everyone's there, but oh well. Sacrifices for sleeping in.

Today we had chapter dinner, and I ate plain lettuce and the steamed vegetables. I've pretty much stopped caring what everyone else thinks... I don't care if they notice if that's all I eat. I'm sick of being so careful about what other people are thinking. Also, I hope there's nothing bad for you in broccoli. Because I've probably eaten about two to three heads of it over the past four days.

Time for sleeping... I wish I had a scale to track progress :/ I'll weigh myself at the gym tomorrow if nobody's in the locker room.

Last night I was on the phone with my boyfriend-- I was buzzed, but he was more drunk. I was telling him about my night, blah blah I stayed in, got drunk because I hadn't eaten dinner, made myself a mushroom-spinach-and-swiss egg white omlet. Here's the convo from that point on:

him: There's not even meat in that! I'd be so skinny if I ate that.

me: yeah, but the egg has protein..

him: why don't you ever eat meat? (pause, then says in silly voice) Are you skin and bones?

me: no! not at all! (true life. fuck) and I do eat meat! I have fish and eggs and chicken!

him: you must be skinny.

me: no... I will be eventually though. I mean not skin and bones because that's gross (lies).

him: you looked so good this summer.

me: I know... I got so fat in italy (laughing to avoid crying). Like seriously.

him: (laughing, and then long pause) why would you say something like that?

me: (laugh to make it sound like I'm not attacking him. I'm attacking me) See you can't even deny it! I'll be skinny again soon.

him: just laughs...

I'm glad he was drunk. OR at least more than I was. I think he worries about my eating a little sometimes, but I've never gotten to the point where he should be worried so I think he ignores it. Because (dun dun duhhhh) point of the conversation: HE LIKES ME SKINNY!

So I'm fasting until Spring Break when I see him. Two weeks. I need to get a water bottle so I don't die. Or pass out (more likely). But I'm not any thinner-- I STILL DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SCALE AHHHHH. I'm going by waist measurement I guess. I'm going shopping for big-little week this weekend so maybe we can swing by target and I can get one. Not that I even want to know what I weigh right now.

I'm also going to the gym every day. No excuses. I get TWO skip days from now until spring break... that will probably be Tuesdays, since I have class from 8:30am until 10pm and trying to squeeze the gym in there would rush my workout.

I just need to keep that in my head. He couldn't even deny that I was fat. Yet he still calls me beautiful. He is the most loving supportive amazing boy I have ever met. He likes me better skinny and is too sweet to say it.

Oh sigh. My head is so fucked up. I look at a plate of food and think either (a) I'm not eating any of that, or (b) I'm eating all of that and then going through my fridge and eating everything in sight. Fuckkkk this.

Skinny. Two weeks. How many inches equals 20 pounds? That's an impossible goal, I'm setting myself up to fail, but if I work super-hard maybe I'll get somewhere close.

I'm trying reeallllly hard for this. I've been good with my fast since that stupid drunk night, but today I had to eat a small plate of salad because we were all eating together at the house and it would have definitely caused suspicion. But don't worry, only tomato and lettuce obviously, no dressing. And then... well, I did have a bite of a blondie our chef made. But only a bite... and I've been jumping up and down cheering since 9:30 this morning (read: eleven hours), so I think it'll be okay.

I just have to keep myself from eating more.

Time for coffee!

Well.

Boo on me, right? I suck at being drunk. I knew this was going to happen, too. Oh well. I ordered a calzone last night when I got home, but at least I only ate half of it. As soon as I woke up this morning I threw it out. Gross.

Today's a new day! I've still only had water and tea, and very little temptation-- I almost ate an apple for breakfast, which wouldn't have been bad... I hate seeing healthy food go bad :( But I really want to stick to this 100%, so my four poor apples will probably be all gross and styrofoam-y by the time I go to eat them. I don't even want to know what my broccoli in the fridge looks like haha.

I think I'm really good at fasting. I haven't really wanted to eat at all, nothing uncontrollable (the apple was a passing consideration). I haven't gotten crazy cravings for like, sandwiches or bagels or anything, and my stomach cramps are minimal... knock on wood. I just have to remember to stay hydrated! I'm really bad about that even when I'm not fasting, so I probably need to get a waterbottle. Time to take a Target run-- I need a scale, a waterbottle, and some Celestial Seasonings mango green tea (!!!!!).

ttfn bitchesss

Cute. I NEED A FUCKING SCALE! I threw out my old one before I left Italy, because (1) I needed room to fit all my italian leather goodies, and (2) it was a piece of shit. But now I've been without a scale for almost a month and it's starting to give me anxiety.

Also, I'm on my second day of not eating. I don't know how long I want to go for... at least for a week? idk, the longest I've fasted I think is four days, barring a veggie binge and a bit of drunkbinge!pasta somewhere in the middle... I lost four pounds. So theoretically, if I don't binge drunk, and I go four seven days... I should lose at LEAST six pounds? That's not too much of a stretch. Maybe I'll celebrate by buying a scale and weighing myself-- that would keep me from getting depressed about the god-awful weight I must be clocking in now.

Also, tonight is the only night I have to worry about drunk bingeing since rush is this weekend... we're having a case-race sisterhood event with our rush groups tonight. I foresee myself blacking out; I am way too competitive and will probably try to finish as much beer as possible haha. Hopefully I can just come home and go to bed.... fuck having to walk through the kitchen to get to my room :(

I am a failure.

I wish I had never started worrying about my weight. At first it was a good thing... I lost twenty pounds, and even though it was a miserable struggle I started to feel better about how I looked. But eventually I stopped watching what I ate. I started eating everything I had denied myself, I lost self-control, and I never, ever stopped thinking about food. I hate myself.

I can't eat in front of people. I always need to justify my eating to everyone around me, and I eat more in my room with the door closed, after everyone's asleep, so that they won't know. I refuse to buy junk food or even bread or meat in the grocery store, and then when I realize I have nothing to eat later in the week except for carrots, I take my roommates' food and eat it too fast. I feel so shameful after I eat. My fucking ski pants wouldn't button closed this winter when we went on the family ski trip... and all I can do is look at my sister, who is stick thin, and want to cry. I don't want to exercise because I feel like it's too late, that I've gotten so fat. My boyfriend thinks I'm fat-- I know it. There's almost never a time when I'm not thinking about food or my weight. I'm so fucking scared to get on a scale. I want to fast for two weeks, not go out, not see anyone. I don't want anyone to see me while I look like this.

Something is wrong with me... I want help. I want to feel good about myself, instead of wallowing in self-hatred. I feel like I deserve this for relinquishing my self control. This is my fault. I let it get to this. I'm either skinny and starving and happy, or fat and miserable.

I'd rather be starving.

I want to cry. Why can't I? I haven't cried since the ski trip. I just want to cry.