151.2

Whaaaaat?? Woohoo, a pound overnight! And I even had a slice of pizza yesterday. Gosh. I mean I shouldn't get too excited... fat people lose weight more easily, it's a fact. Well whatever. I can reach 148 by the time I get to the beach, right? Correct answer: RIGHT.

I've been having pretty healthy breakfasts recently (as opposed to the unhealthy no breakfast). THis morning I had half a plain Chobani 0% greek yogurt (50) on top of three cut up strawberries and around a quarter cup of fresh raspberries (25+15). Plus my usual coffee, not black this morning since my mom made it like Black Tar of Death-- must've been expecting a rough day at work.

So anyway... 148 is totally achievable by the time I go to the beach. Three days, three pounds. GO.

152.2

Been absent for a few days... wow. I had a few binge-y days, pretty gross but *fingers crossed* not too much harm done, so far. I rand 4.5 miles yesterday and walked 2.6, and today I ran a fairly hilly 3.6 miles. Calorie counts have been meh, I didn't count them but today's probably ended up between 900 and 1500 (I know, real precise range there).

I had a breakthrough with my boyfriend. We were upstairs watching tv with his sister and she went to take a shower, and of course his massage turned into a go for sex and I sort of shut him down like I've been doing recently, and he called me out on it. Not in a mean way, just in a "what's going on with us lately" way. And it just sort of spilled out-- I told him I felt gross when he touched me, that I didn't feel like he deserved me, that I didn't feel pretty around him and felt like he was always imagining someone else when we did it because I was disgusting. Well, actually just the first part. But the rest was implied. I'm not really sure how he took it, but he held me so close-- literally, I was squished in his arms for an hour being nuzzled.

I love him. Why did I try to push him away?

And where the fuck is my sex drive? Oh yeah, at 140 lbs.

152.4

Whatever, not mad about it. I've had a super-protein day so far, let me tell you. Toad-in-the-hole for breakfast (not sure if it's what a toad-in-the-hole really is, but I toasted a piece of bread with a large hole cut out of the middle and cooked egg whites into the hole). It was actually super delicious, although I want to cut a bigger hole out next time-- not even for the calories, but because the dry toast doesn't taste good unless there's more egg. I'd say it was about 150 calories, and then for lunch with the kids I had a plain hot dog (160 cal) and a piece of watermelon (prob like 25).

So 335 calories so far! I'll round it up to a good 350 so I don't underestimate anything. It's 95 degrees out, so it's going to be three days in a row running for me since I probably won't go today.

Hahaha. Babysitting today was so easy compared to normal. All I really had to do was watch baby J for a while, pick up the other two from vacation bible school, and bring out the enormous drawer of crayons. I'm an art student, WHY haven't I set them up with coloring before?? I'm seriously an idiot.

152.4

Well, I ran yesterday and have had about 300 cal today... oatmeal (165), broccoli (20), almonds (85), two pretzels (30??). Oh wow go me and mental math, exactly 300!

That was before the cupcake. God only knows how many calories... I made them from scratch a few nights ago, and not from my normal baking websites that spell out all the nutrition counts for you. It was from a blog, and blogs normally = absent calorie counts.

Awesome.... good thing coffee doesn't have calories. Because that is all I will be eating for the rest of the evening. Ciao ciao fat belly!

Realization

I don't ever want to go back to where I was a mentally before a few months ago. I like what I'm doing now. I feel okay about things-- I'm generally not terrified to have a bit of bread, or meat (last summer I was convinced meat was the devil incarnate).

One time at the end of last summer, my mom made pancakes for dinner. I was terrified. I almost cried at the table. I cut up and pushed them around my plate, taking huge gulps of water and talking more than I ever do at the table. Anything to keep that mess of sugar and carbs out of my mouth. My whole family watched me duke it out with two pancakes. My sister intervened as I was mutilating the second one: "Are you going to eat or just mash it up?" The table went quiet for a second. I snapped at her, ate a bite, and left the table.

I never, ever want to struggle like that again.

151.5

I am stranded alone at my house. Family went to the cabin, boyfriend and best friend went to the beach, other friends went to the lake in NY. Even my dog is gone. I got invites to all but had to stay home because I babysit again Monday. Now-- part of this is extremely depressing/lonely, but part is also GREAT. I can eat whatever I want (very little), do whatever I want (wine in the bathtub last night) and go wherever I want (I live in the middle of nowhere. Nevermind).

Hahaha how sad is that? Originally I planned to fast all three days, but I've been binge-free for a long time and I don't know what fasting will do to my willpower in that arena. Yesterday I ate a few almonds and a bit of some toast my mom made me before she left, and then I made the most delicious stuffed pepper for dinner EVER. It was seriously bomb. Of course I omitted the cheese, and put in half the amount of brown rice, but it was so freaking good. And under 200 calories! FOR DINNER! Benefits of being home alone, eating whatever I want. And look at that up there! The scale does not lie. :)

Ugh. Then sometimes I think about the actual number instead of what I've lost, and I absolutely still cringe. fatfatfatfatfatfatttfatfat

153.4

Whew, back again.

Two weeks of traveling every setting of the upper east coast: New York City, suburban Connecticut, Adirondacks, and then Mt. Ketadin in Maine (no service for MILES). I loved everything, from crowded but awesome NYC to mountain-climbing in Maine. Am I a city or country girl? Mmmm, probs both.

Anyway, I ended up doing absolutely no damage-- I sort of watched what I ate, but not really. While I was in the city I barely ate, which helped me. One day I ate a carton of blueberries for lunch, and some chips with my margaritas for dinner; I most likely drank more calories than I ate there hehe. Connecticut/my cabin was probably the worst in terms of eating, but oh well. And the 11-hour climb up and over Mt. Ketadin was certainly a calorie-burner, and all I ate on that was an apple, almonds, and a Cliff Bar (which is 240 calories, not to be eaten unless actually climbing a mountain). Afterwards there was a little steak, but not much. Aaand that's pretty much it!

I started running again yesterday, and took the kids for a bike ride today (probably a little under 6 miles, and I was pulling one of them in the carriage behind me. lucky duck). I snacked a little too much when I got home though, and I hope my friend calls before dinner so I can run out and not eat. The veggie tonight is cauliflower, which I find disgusting, so I don't even want to fill up on that.

Maybe we can go swimming and I'll do subtle laps.

I'm having emotional distress over my two men. I've distanced myself from my boyfriend without even realizing I'm doing it. I think he's confused, and starting to catch on, and I don't want to hurt him any more than I have to... I don't know. So complicated. And P. stopped texting me a while ago. We talked for a bit on Independance Day, but I don't always want to be the one bothering him. And now I'm starting to wonder what will happen if I break up with my boyfriend and it's all for nothing. Gahhhh. I'm no good at this two-men business. I constantly feel guilty about everything I do, for absolutely good reason-- I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be doing this. Why am I? Because I am an idiot who falls way too hard, over everyone.

That feels a tiny bit better writing it out.

A tiny, teensy bit.