What's today, Wednesday?

So the ski trip was fantastically SHITTY. I am basically an uncontrollable fat slob. And so much went down with the ex... last night, I went shopping with my best friend (who also... happens to be his sister. oof.) and then went back to their house for dinner. I am greeted with him in his jacket and a wierd hug before he runs off to his friend's house to get drunk.

Needless to say. I was not a happy camper. And then we just sat down, me, my friend, and her mom, and discussed the future implications of our dating status. I realize that sounds kind of scary, but it was actually really good. For my self-confidence. It was basically a boyfriend bash conducted by his mother and sister. Not a bash, but just the idea that I don't deserve to be treated that way and if he wants to "have fun" for a few years before we settle down, fine, but I "shouldn't hold a candle-lit vigil for his return". Basically they told me to go out and have fun and say, screw you, I'll see you when you're done being immature.

I LOVE that family :)

also they both said that even though it wasn't allowed, they wanted me for an in-law. And said our children would be adorable :)

But first, I have to stop being such a fucking cow.

Okay just a quick post before the car leaves me! I'm going to our cabin in upstate NY until Monday, so no internet service, so nooo postings. Stay strong everyone, the holidays are nothing to fear, we can do it!

Love and christmas cookie chapstick (takes away my craving hehee)

First and foremost. Merry Christmas everyone!!! Food and indulgences aside, I hope everyone is having a wonderful time with their family :)

And today, even with the family dinner... I've had about 500 calories all day! I had to double check because I nearly cleaned my plate (well half, but it seemed like a lot). But the whole thing was mostly plain cooked asparagus, I had a few tiny bites of roast beef and some jello fruit salad, which was around 25 calories... my biggest downfall was the glass of wine :/ but compared to how bad it could have been, I'm so excited!!! 

They're serving dessert now. The famous Pecan Pie, which is my absolute favorite and something I absolutely will not be eating. Just poured a cup of coffee :) and last night, even drunk off wine I managed to resist the infamous cheesecake. 

Okay just got back from dessert. After the tally, grand total: 550 calories. For Christmas dinner... not too shabby :) I don't have a scale until I go home on Monday, so I"m hoping to be somewhere near 140. Actually, at 140. Pleasepleaseplease. That's three days, and I've been under 600 for the past two and under 400 the three days before that. Hopefully.... raaa pleasepleaseplease body just do this for me and start losing some freaking weight.

Happy holidays everyone :)

Not much to say, other than tonight is Christmas dinner number one :/ scale this morning was a half pound down, it's a loss but meh. 

I managed to get steamed broccoli and a big delicious salad on the menu for tonight, so hopefully I can fill up my plate with mostly that. And I picked out a fish dish for the main entree, so it won't be toooo bad. There's "hors d'oeuvres" after we close on our land and start opening presents: buffalo chicken dip (hot sauce, chicken, a block of cream cheese and half of cup of full-fat blue cheese dressing... I wanted to throw up while making it) and baked brie, which as a foodie is my personal weakness. But I will resist.

But then there's the dessert. I don't know HOW I'm going to get out of it, because I am well-known in my house to be a lover of all things rich and chocolate-y :( damn my former fatass self.

And the verdict is.... down two pounds! Woo! currently drinking a giant mug of green tea, had a 20cal nut cluster bite (energy/something to take my vitamin with), and of course the liter of water. 140lb by christmas is totally possible, three pounds in three days :) and then we're on to round two: 133-136 by New Year's! Even if I'm just with the fam, it will feel so good to be at that weight again.

And then my next checkpoint is the 16th, when I get back to school: 125-130lb. There are two main reasons for this. One, rush will be starting. We're not a fat girl sorority and I refuse to make us look like one by resembling Hubba the Whale who shoehorned herself into skinny jeans. Reason two, boy :) it makes me feel good that he thought I was hot even when I was at an atrocious weight, but I want him to really see how great I can look. I want him to know that I'm not normally that much of a chubber. I have a small bone structure, I can look like a model if I just get off my fucking ass and do something about it!

edit: I've only had 150cal today, mostly in liquids (a LOT of liquids). Woo! Aaand I found The. Best. Site. Ever. http://hungry-girl.com. Check it out :) You may not know, but I am obsessed with cooking... a natural foodie. I've taken to making things for everyone else instead of eating it myself nowadays, but Hungry Girl is absolutely INCREDIBLE. Lots and lots of extremely low-calorie recipes, as well as tips for the cooking/eating low-cal in general. 

Awesome. They also published a book called 2oo Under 200-- yup, all recipes under 200 cal. AHHH I WANT I WANT. ps. I think caffeine affects me more when I haven't eaten much, because I feel reeaallly weird right now. My eyes are going crazy haha.

Today so far... a boiled egg white and six carrots, plus 3 cups of green tea and almost a liter of water. Getting there. I joined a weight loss competition on PT, I know I know totally lame, but I recall I got better results during the summer when I was competing with my friend to lose weight. 

And noooowww going to shovel 2ft of snow off my deck!! My dad was kind of confused when I so willingly jumped at the chance haha. What a great workout :) 

I'm going over my ex's later. Kind of nervous. I can tell that I've already started closing off my feelings for him, even though he says we're going to get through this-- it's just my natural defense mechanism from getting more hurt than I already am, I didn't even realize I was doing it. He doesn't quite get the concept that it's all or nothing for me. If we have to force it to work, it's just not fucking working. And I know he's going to get mad, because I won't be able to be normal around him. Not like we used to be, it's just not going to happen.

edit: That was the worst four hours ever. My chest literally hurt from sitting next to him on the sofa. It would have been so easy to snuggle up to him, and I know he wanted me to and was kind of hurt, but I forced myself not to. I just can't do it. I can't risk it, I can't hurt myself, and I feel guilty because it would kill her-- he's already dumped her for me once, and she has no idea he's still seeing me now. I just can't do that to someone, because I would actually die if someone did that to me. And it kills me because I love him, and I just want to be with him.

but on a more positive note, stayed under 500 cal today! My weakness was the cookie dough when we were baking, like always :/ but it's under 500. I used to be able to do under 300, so after tomorrow's fast and the christmas dinner on wed (shudder), I'm trying for under 300 at least four days of the week.

by fasting for a two and a half weeks, someone lost 20 pounds. By restricting under 500 w/out exercise, someone lost 20 pounds. So if I restrict under 5oo and exercise, significant weight should come off in a few weeks. 

Fuck. I want to lose at least five pounds by christmas. We leave xmas eve and I won't have a scale with me, so I want to make SURE I come back lighter after vacation, just in time for new years. That means some serious restricting, even without the scale as motivation. I know I can do it. I have to have to have to. 

I'm going to do it so that when J finally sees me again after break, I'll be breathtaking. I want him to want me. And I want my ex to regret everything he's done to me. Right now my heart is shattered and he has no clue, but he will. And he'll be sorry he ever messed things up when he sees the new, beautiful me.

day started out awesome. woke up did laundry gymmed hard. then went so far downhill I want to kill myself. Not really but kind of. Got completely turned down by boy.... hit me out of the blue. I went crazy, literally, there were moments where I wished everything from wanting to hook up with my freshman year floormate to wanting to be pregnant. And then I drank and ordered a calzone because I wanted to feel like shit, because I am shit. And hey what do you know eating a disgusting greasy cheese-filled-oh-my-god-i-want-to-vomit pastry worked.

Wow at least tomorrow can't get any worse hahaha. byeeee

I've realized what I want from losing weight. Attention. I want attention from guys, who want me because I have a sexy, beautiful body. I want attention from girls who wish they looked like I did. I want attention from my friends, a mix of awe at the new me and concern for how much weight I've lost. I want my anorexic friend to ask me if I'm okay. I want the girls in my house to try and find ways to make me eat. I want to be the center of attention. God.

I'm such an attention whore.

Today. Ew. Exercised like mad last night after I bombed the italian final (great stress relief), but nothing to show for it :/ today haven't eaten, got coffee with a friend and drank two mugs of green tea and some water. I'll probably get some veggies at lunch with my friend so I have energy for the gym. This weight needs to come off. Frankly, it's atrocious that I let myself go this far. Ew. Nobody wants to date Bubba the Whale.

edit: after lunch I felt so disgusting. I tried to purge for the first time ever, completely unsuccessful... why can't I make anything come up?? I guess it's good that I can't do it, I'd probably fuck myself up even more. I feel more pure when I don't eat, purging would lead to unnecessary binges probably. Ugh. Two hours at the gym. At LEAST 500-600 cal burned.

Hmmm.

So after my last post, I ended up painting in studio all through the night until 10am the next morning, when my final review was. With that little sleep I wasn't really thinking about restricting at all-- SO cracked out on red bull, and stressing over the review, so I ended up eating like 3 of these cookies they had lying out for people who came in to look at everyone's artwork. And then eating shit because I was tired and felt sorry for myself. But not tooo much damage.

Today, after failing my italian final (literally, failed it. because I was too busy painting/catching up on sleep and missing my alarm to study), I ate a bagel with low-cal spread, around 300 cal, some soybeans, a bite of chicken, and spinach. All that probably came to around 450 or 500 calories... EW. I burned 400 at the gym, but thennnn what do you know, all 3 elevators are broken and I live on the 8th floor of my dorm!! So yay for exercise, they're supposed to be down until 2pm tomorrow and I plan on making lots of trips downstairs in the meantime.

going for a run at ten with my friend. Oh and boy wants to hang out between finals sometime... he texted me before going to bed and was like, those two nights in a row had me spoiled. 

:)

Dropped another two pounds!! Wow, I thought the night before was bad... never go out with your sorority on your birthday.  I was fed sooo much to drink. And apparently I was walking around hugging a handle of Jose?! So bad. Boy came to the party around 2 and took care of me... he won't tell me the most embarrassing thing I said, which leads me to believe I was just ridiculous last night. Oh and he wanted to take me back to my room but I insisted on coming home with him. Such class. But he didn't try anything with me, totally respected my birthday blackout and put me to bed with him and we just slept :) literally the most adorable boy ever. Such a sweetheart.

Haven't eaten today yet, but I will need to eat something in an hour... I'm up all night tonight doing two paintings for my final review tomorrow afternoon :( So much to do. Later!

edit: ps... I still feel kind of drunk. Don't know how that's possible. whoaaas.

Today is my birthday!! As a treat my body has decided to drop another pound I guess :) I have the worst hangover headache ever right now, but feeling good. My new boy stayed with me all night and put the song Birthday Sex into real life action heehee. What a good night. Massive headache, going to turn off the computer bc it hurts. Stay strong!

Lost 1 lb from yesterday. And I didn't work out, and I ate two cookies when my drunk friends came to visit me in studio. urhgilshghitggh I could lose so much faster if I worked out more and stuck to my plan! But hey, a loss is a loss so I'm not complaining :) 

But I'm still a Fatass. Six pounds to go until I drop to Chubbers... oh joy. But I know I can do it. I have to. I can't really talk about it right now because it's upsetting me, but my ex/boyfriend/whatever the hell we are... got a girlfriend. Yet still wants to see both of us over winter break because he doesn't want to lose me. As much as it's killing me, I just have to end it for right now. You can't talk about marriage with me but expect me to suffer through seeing you date someone else. It just hurts too much.

Yesterday was a success! I only ate vegetables with hot sauce yesterday at the dining hall, drank ridiculous amounts of green tea, and had a veggie melt at the studio when I felt like I was going to pass out (I was working there for 12 hours, until 4:30 in the morning).

Dropped 3 pounds, probably half in water weight but it's giving me the willpower to stay on track :) Down to 147. I know..... that's fucking gross. But things will be better. I have a month to become beautiful. Here's my personal view of how the weight hangs on me:

• 150: DISGUSTINGLY GROSS (seen this)
• 145: fatass (seen this)
• 140: chubbers (seen this)
• 135: baby fat (seen this)
• 130: is she skinny or boring old average? Average. (ALMOST saw this. Fuck.)
• 125: athletic thin
• 120: thin and sexy
• 115-110: runway model
• 110-105: sack of bones... don't go here please

So these are the adjectives I will refer to myself by at each weight. To keep myself in check when I finally do get to those beautifully low numbers. I don't want to look like a skeleton, I just want to be sexy like Miranda Kerr and Cintia Dicker. And I want to keep a bit of my womanly shape... that will decide when I stop. But I know it will be gone if I drop much under 120.

Oh and today! Good day so far, I've eaten a bite of bagel and 50 or 60 cal of cheerios. Plus some water. My stomach is grumbling so I think I'm going to go chug some more. Laterrrr

Oh. My. God.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3ba_1181646232&c=1

I don't even know what to say. That video makes me want to cry and puke and scream all at once. How could someone let their loved one do that to themselves?? How could they let it get that far? It's the same thing with anorexia, but it's okay to put anorexics on lockdown, put them in the hospital against their will and force them to get better. This man needs serious medical help. What he eats in a day was more than all the food we served at Thanksgiving dinner. How can you watch a loved one do that to themselves-- and even worse, COOK it for him? I know they think they have to because he'll just order out; take away his goddamn phone. If his addiction is so bad that frying up a thanksgiving dinner for him is better than what he'd do on his own, his family needs to admit him to a hospital. Gracious, just.... ugh. It's a horrible, terrible eating disorder that's just as bad as a girl who's starved herself to a skeleton! Both people need clinical help. Jesus.

Okay done, just saw that and.... vomit. I'm going on a green tea diet, I've heard that people have lost 8-9 lb in a week from that so let's see how goes it. Just green tea and water. I wish I had a blackberry so every time I felt like eating I could go online and watch that video again... absolutely no appetite.

People can lose 20lb in a month. It would be so easy if I just stick to my goddamn word! I am going to set specific days where I can eat normal food. They are:

1. Christmas dinner at my grandma's. No way I can avoid that one.
2. New Year's Eve if I go with my ex and his fam. If not, then this is not an acceptable food day.
3. Fake Christmas dinner with my fam. Only the dinner, no breakfast crap however good it smells.

And that's it. Those are the days. I will be absolutely binge-free except for then. And on those days, I will choose what foods I want, keep portions itty-bitty, and eat slowly. Only until I am full. And fucking.... my ex is supposed to come over for baking Christmas cookies. I am allowed to eat TWO (he'll be suspicious). NO testing the dough, because it adds up fucking bigtime. If I run before he comes over, and don't eat the rest of the day, it shouldn't do too much damage. Hopefully.

New Rules:

1. You do not feel hungry. You feel thin.
2. No white bread. Disgusting. It goes right to your lumpy ass!
3. Work out, don't be a fat fuck.
4. Before agreeing to go to the dining hall, draw a self-portrait doodle of a whale in a bikini. Not hungry anymore? That's what I thought.
5. Study Italian at the gym. Keep up with your grades.

A girl over on Prettythin lost around 22 lb in a month simply by restricting to under 500 every day. If I have that kind of self-control, I can do it! And she didn't exercise either... which means, I might be able to quicken the results. IF I stay strong. IF I don't fuck up.

A random side note about a boy situation... someone who I've been on again, off again hooking up with has recent;y only been interested in me when I'm clearly with someone else. He texted me all day and yesterday, probably after seeing pictures of me with my formal date. I HATE that I am still attracted to this doucher... I'm friends with him, but I definitely had feelings for him at one point, and it's so annoying that just as I get over him, he decides I need a little more morgan in my life and jumps right back into it. uggghhhhh. Maybe an explanatory post later. 

Falling asleep on computer. Time to go to bed niiiiggggghhhhhtttttt.

Ahhh! Formal was soo amazing :) Got drunk off a bottle of champagne and socialized at the house before we left, and my date was absolutely the best date ever-- such a gentleman, needed absolutely no babysitting, and I had so much fun with him! (more than I did when I brought my boyfriend last year... hmm). I'm pretty sure we made out for over half of actual formal, I was informed at chapter yesterday that instead of eating dinner like everyone else, we put on a show for the table. hahaha... what class. Is it sad that I was excited because this means I didn't eat dinner? I vaguely remember only getting salad and green beans though. He was such a great date, held doors and everything; that's hard to find in a college guy. Yay :)

This weekend wasn't too damaging. I didn't lose, but I didn't gain either, which would be worse. Starting again today with the fast/restrict cycle. When I go for my meal today, I will have:

• a plate of vegetables: carrots and cucumbers, maybe some tomatoes.
• a salad OR a grilled vegetable sandwich, still deciding if the bread is worth it or not.

Calorie count for that will be: under 100 with the salad, or under 300 with the sandwich. Decisions decisions. I don't want to pass out at the gym. Oh and I'm going to see if they have apple cider vinegar at the dining hall, they have a million other kinds so hey why not? 

Dropped 2 pounds. Yay! I know it's probably water weight, but that number means everything to me. How I feel about myself has become dependent on how much lower the numbers are; for a while there I was afraid to step on the scale because I didn't want to hate myself. Denial is bad. It makes you fatter. I never thought I focused so much on numbers-- always thought I was more of a "how good do I look in clothes" visual person, but apparently not. I think it's because it's easier to see progress when you physically see a lower number. Interesting. 

I'm going to the studio all afternoon, so an excuse to skip the dining hall, AND catch up on my work. I'm so far behind it's not even funny. Gym between paint layers... because did I mention that studio is conveniently right next to the gym? So awesome :)

Oh and last night... HAHAHA. I guess not eating took a rather large toll on my tolerance (which is quite high, if I do say so myself). My friend and I finished a bottle of vodka for our pregame, probably the equivalent of 4 or 5 shots each. Needless to say, there are pictures of me face to pavement from trying to limbo the security bar. A good night.

Eugh. Fatfatfatfatfat. Nothing is working. WHY HAVEN'T I DROPPED ANY WEIGHT?? I feel so fucking disgusting. Like... ew my date isn't even going to want to see me after this. What the hell is wrong with meee? :( ugggghhhh. I feel so gross, it's just like hanging on me, I know there's a skinny person in me somewhere but she's being smothered under all this disgusting lard. Ugh. I'm so disgusting.

Edit: Only eaten two small clementines (around 60 cal) and two or three cups of green tea, lots of water, burned 400 cal at the gym. This WILL come off. I'm getting drunk tonight. I need out of this ish.... and yes I do know there are calories in alcohol. It's all vodka and lemons for me tonight ;)

Again with the nighttime... I think that's my hardest time when fasting. It's not that I get hungry, but I get tired. I just don't feel like keeping myself from eating. I get lazy. UGH. Fatass. But at least I haven't gained; I went for a run with my girlfriend last night, so that kinda helped.

Today I'm donating blood... when I did it over the summer I almost passed out, so here's to hoping that won't happen again. I took two vitamins to kick up my iron too. AND I just found out that your body burns around 600 cal trying to replenish your blood afterwards... what a bonus! I love giving blood, it makes me feel good and since I'm type o I know anyone can use it :) 

I just ordered my formal dress for this weekend, my date said he would go, and basically the only thing that's not going right is my weight. And I can control that, so I will control it. I have to. I can't stand going to bed feeling like I want to kill myself for being so disgusting. I hate that feeling, and it will only go away when I'm under 125 lb. (I'm 5'7). 

Or until I can fit into my fucking jeans.

Last night when I went to bed, I think it was the most awful I've ever felt about my body. I stepped on the scale before tucking in, and I saw the highest number I've ever seen. Ever. I wanted to throw up, but there was nothing in my stomach by then except diet Red Bull. I can't describe the feeling... at 4 in the morning, there's nothing you can do except lie there and hate yourself. I literally laid under the covers and pinched all my fat, and I cannot describe the utter disgust and loathing I felt for my body. I've never felt that way before, at least that strongly-- I literally had visions of running to the bathroom, throwing up, and cutting fat off myself. I just want to be beautiful. Is that too much to ask?

This morning, I've only had green tea. And drinking only green tea makes me feel sick, which takes away my appetite. What a win-win, huh? I'm alternating two cups of the stuff with two cups of water every hour, and maybe a cup of stevia-sweetened gingerbread herbal tea if I deserve it. Skipping every single one of my classes today to catch up on work, and catch up on my self-control. It's a bad habit, I know, but I feel like I just need a day to do everything. So much work.

Oh and formal is this Saturday... I don't have a dress, haven't asked my date yet (but he is hot, so I guess that's good heehee), and I am nowhere even close to looking good-- I thought I got chubby for our semi-formal; I don't want to think about pictures for this one, OR fitting into a cute dress. ugh. Maybe I can drop ten pounds by then. If I'm fasting and drinking loads of water and exercising at least 2 hours a day... possible. I doubt it, but I'm going to try to think positively. 

T.T.F.N., ta ta for now :)