Oh. My. God.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3ba_1181646232&c=1

I don't even know what to say. That video makes me want to cry and puke and scream all at once. How could someone let their loved one do that to themselves?? How could they let it get that far? It's the same thing with anorexia, but it's okay to put anorexics on lockdown, put them in the hospital against their will and force them to get better. This man needs serious medical help. What he eats in a day was more than all the food we served at Thanksgiving dinner. How can you watch a loved one do that to themselves-- and even worse, COOK it for him? I know they think they have to because he'll just order out; take away his goddamn phone. If his addiction is so bad that frying up a thanksgiving dinner for him is better than what he'd do on his own, his family needs to admit him to a hospital. Gracious, just.... ugh. It's a horrible, terrible eating disorder that's just as bad as a girl who's starved herself to a skeleton! Both people need clinical help. Jesus.

Okay done, just saw that and.... vomit. I'm going on a green tea diet, I've heard that people have lost 8-9 lb in a week from that so let's see how goes it. Just green tea and water. I wish I had a blackberry so every time I felt like eating I could go online and watch that video again... absolutely no appetite.

People can lose 20lb in a month. It would be so easy if I just stick to my goddamn word! I am going to set specific days where I can eat normal food. They are:

1. Christmas dinner at my grandma's. No way I can avoid that one.
2. New Year's Eve if I go with my ex and his fam. If not, then this is not an acceptable food day.
3. Fake Christmas dinner with my fam. Only the dinner, no breakfast crap however good it smells.

And that's it. Those are the days. I will be absolutely binge-free except for then. And on those days, I will choose what foods I want, keep portions itty-bitty, and eat slowly. Only until I am full. And fucking.... my ex is supposed to come over for baking Christmas cookies. I am allowed to eat TWO (he'll be suspicious). NO testing the dough, because it adds up fucking bigtime. If I run before he comes over, and don't eat the rest of the day, it shouldn't do too much damage. Hopefully.

New Rules:

1. You do not feel hungry. You feel thin.
2. No white bread. Disgusting. It goes right to your lumpy ass!
3. Work out, don't be a fat fuck.
4. Before agreeing to go to the dining hall, draw a self-portrait doodle of a whale in a bikini. Not hungry anymore? That's what I thought.
5. Study Italian at the gym. Keep up with your grades.

A girl over on Prettythin lost around 22 lb in a month simply by restricting to under 500 every day. If I have that kind of self-control, I can do it! And she didn't exercise either... which means, I might be able to quicken the results. IF I stay strong. IF I don't fuck up.

A random side note about a boy situation... someone who I've been on again, off again hooking up with has recent;y only been interested in me when I'm clearly with someone else. He texted me all day and yesterday, probably after seeing pictures of me with my formal date. I HATE that I am still attracted to this doucher... I'm friends with him, but I definitely had feelings for him at one point, and it's so annoying that just as I get over him, he decides I need a little more morgan in my life and jumps right back into it. uggghhhhh. Maybe an explanatory post later. 

Falling asleep on computer. Time to go to bed niiiiggggghhhhhtttttt.

Ahhh! Formal was soo amazing :) Got drunk off a bottle of champagne and socialized at the house before we left, and my date was absolutely the best date ever-- such a gentleman, needed absolutely no babysitting, and I had so much fun with him! (more than I did when I brought my boyfriend last year... hmm). I'm pretty sure we made out for over half of actual formal, I was informed at chapter yesterday that instead of eating dinner like everyone else, we put on a show for the table. hahaha... what class. Is it sad that I was excited because this means I didn't eat dinner? I vaguely remember only getting salad and green beans though. He was such a great date, held doors and everything; that's hard to find in a college guy. Yay :)

This weekend wasn't too damaging. I didn't lose, but I didn't gain either, which would be worse. Starting again today with the fast/restrict cycle. When I go for my meal today, I will have:

• a plate of vegetables: carrots and cucumbers, maybe some tomatoes.
• a salad OR a grilled vegetable sandwich, still deciding if the bread is worth it or not.

Calorie count for that will be: under 100 with the salad, or under 300 with the sandwich. Decisions decisions. I don't want to pass out at the gym. Oh and I'm going to see if they have apple cider vinegar at the dining hall, they have a million other kinds so hey why not? 

Dropped 2 pounds. Yay! I know it's probably water weight, but that number means everything to me. How I feel about myself has become dependent on how much lower the numbers are; for a while there I was afraid to step on the scale because I didn't want to hate myself. Denial is bad. It makes you fatter. I never thought I focused so much on numbers-- always thought I was more of a "how good do I look in clothes" visual person, but apparently not. I think it's because it's easier to see progress when you physically see a lower number. Interesting. 

I'm going to the studio all afternoon, so an excuse to skip the dining hall, AND catch up on my work. I'm so far behind it's not even funny. Gym between paint layers... because did I mention that studio is conveniently right next to the gym? So awesome :)

Oh and last night... HAHAHA. I guess not eating took a rather large toll on my tolerance (which is quite high, if I do say so myself). My friend and I finished a bottle of vodka for our pregame, probably the equivalent of 4 or 5 shots each. Needless to say, there are pictures of me face to pavement from trying to limbo the security bar. A good night.

Eugh. Fatfatfatfatfat. Nothing is working. WHY HAVEN'T I DROPPED ANY WEIGHT?? I feel so fucking disgusting. Like... ew my date isn't even going to want to see me after this. What the hell is wrong with meee? :( ugggghhhh. I feel so gross, it's just like hanging on me, I know there's a skinny person in me somewhere but she's being smothered under all this disgusting lard. Ugh. I'm so disgusting.

Edit: Only eaten two small clementines (around 60 cal) and two or three cups of green tea, lots of water, burned 400 cal at the gym. This WILL come off. I'm getting drunk tonight. I need out of this ish.... and yes I do know there are calories in alcohol. It's all vodka and lemons for me tonight ;)

Again with the nighttime... I think that's my hardest time when fasting. It's not that I get hungry, but I get tired. I just don't feel like keeping myself from eating. I get lazy. UGH. Fatass. But at least I haven't gained; I went for a run with my girlfriend last night, so that kinda helped.

Today I'm donating blood... when I did it over the summer I almost passed out, so here's to hoping that won't happen again. I took two vitamins to kick up my iron too. AND I just found out that your body burns around 600 cal trying to replenish your blood afterwards... what a bonus! I love giving blood, it makes me feel good and since I'm type o I know anyone can use it :) 

I just ordered my formal dress for this weekend, my date said he would go, and basically the only thing that's not going right is my weight. And I can control that, so I will control it. I have to. I can't stand going to bed feeling like I want to kill myself for being so disgusting. I hate that feeling, and it will only go away when I'm under 125 lb. (I'm 5'7). 

Or until I can fit into my fucking jeans.

Last night when I went to bed, I think it was the most awful I've ever felt about my body. I stepped on the scale before tucking in, and I saw the highest number I've ever seen. Ever. I wanted to throw up, but there was nothing in my stomach by then except diet Red Bull. I can't describe the feeling... at 4 in the morning, there's nothing you can do except lie there and hate yourself. I literally laid under the covers and pinched all my fat, and I cannot describe the utter disgust and loathing I felt for my body. I've never felt that way before, at least that strongly-- I literally had visions of running to the bathroom, throwing up, and cutting fat off myself. I just want to be beautiful. Is that too much to ask?

This morning, I've only had green tea. And drinking only green tea makes me feel sick, which takes away my appetite. What a win-win, huh? I'm alternating two cups of the stuff with two cups of water every hour, and maybe a cup of stevia-sweetened gingerbread herbal tea if I deserve it. Skipping every single one of my classes today to catch up on work, and catch up on my self-control. It's a bad habit, I know, but I feel like I just need a day to do everything. So much work.

Oh and formal is this Saturday... I don't have a dress, haven't asked my date yet (but he is hot, so I guess that's good heehee), and I am nowhere even close to looking good-- I thought I got chubby for our semi-formal; I don't want to think about pictures for this one, OR fitting into a cute dress. ugh. Maybe I can drop ten pounds by then. If I'm fasting and drinking loads of water and exercising at least 2 hours a day... possible. I doubt it, but I'm going to try to think positively. 

T.T.F.N., ta ta for now :)