Last night when I went to bed, I think it was the most awful I've ever felt about my body. I stepped on the scale before tucking in, and I saw the highest number I've ever seen. Ever. I wanted to throw up, but there was nothing in my stomach by then except diet Red Bull. I can't describe the feeling... at 4 in the morning, there's nothing you can do except lie there and hate yourself. I literally laid under the covers and pinched all my fat, and I cannot describe the utter disgust and loathing I felt for my body. I've never felt that way before, at least that strongly-- I literally had visions of running to the bathroom, throwing up, and cutting fat off myself. I just want to be beautiful. Is that too much to ask?

This morning, I've only had green tea. And drinking only green tea makes me feel sick, which takes away my appetite. What a win-win, huh? I'm alternating two cups of the stuff with two cups of water every hour, and maybe a cup of stevia-sweetened gingerbread herbal tea if I deserve it. Skipping every single one of my classes today to catch up on work, and catch up on my self-control. It's a bad habit, I know, but I feel like I just need a day to do everything. So much work.

Oh and formal is this Saturday... I don't have a dress, haven't asked my date yet (but he is hot, so I guess that's good heehee), and I am nowhere even close to looking good-- I thought I got chubby for our semi-formal; I don't want to think about pictures for this one, OR fitting into a cute dress. ugh. Maybe I can drop ten pounds by then. If I'm fasting and drinking loads of water and exercising at least 2 hours a day... possible. I doubt it, but I'm going to try to think positively. 

T.T.F.N., ta ta for now :)