So today's been good so far, about 50 cal worth of tiny nibbles here and there (some flakes of raisin bran, three dark chocolate M&M's, a bite of a bagel). I did make that soup and let me tell you... it only tastes good when you're really hungry. Blegh. It jsut tasted too salty/metallic for me, probably the hot sauce but I could only stomach two cups before I dumped the rest. I like spicy things, but not salty. Ewwie. 

My CW is absolutely revolting, I can't even post it. Ugh. I just want to fall asleep for a week and be five pounds lighter. I can't stand being awake because I always feel fat. I can literally feel it hanging off me and it is DISGUSTING. I hate disliking my body so much :( I want to feel good and sexy and confident, but I can't now-- I can't pretend to be something I'm not. I want it to be REAL when I feel sexy, not just some lame artificial feeling.

Ex is in bed with a high fever, I wish I had a car so I could go see him and bring him something. And new boy (we'll call him Justin. he's the one who I took to formal) texted me last night, wanting to snuggle and making up for the obscene amount of drunk texts I sent him from the beach. AND my old crush who I am still obsessed with even though I shouldn't be (we'll call him Peter) suddenly has me in his facebook profile picture, texted me all weekend while I was at the beach, and wants to hang out first weekend back. I know I need to drop him but there is this really annoying attraction to him I can't seem to shake off. Justin is so sweet and fun and gentlemanly though, and doesn't feed my curiosity to try drugs. Peter... I did ecstasy with him for the first time and want to do it again, and he fully encourages it, as well as encouraging crazy amounts of drinking and sex. I really want to do these things (which are BAD for me), and he's not making it easy to resist.

Hmm. I think I need to cut back on correspondence with boys. But I can't. Maybe it's another one of my self-validation techniques. I've been obsessed with boys since middle school. Didn't have my first kiss until senior year. Maybe it's just built-up boy craziness that will eventually subside.