I am really scared.

I think I gained weight. That's not what's scaring me.

I'm scared I'm going to start binging again. It happened tonight. And last night. And the two days before that.

How many times do I have to go through this?

I want it to stop.

I sort of want to talk to someone about it.

Oh Life

Hmm, forgot I posted that last one... I guess wine does that? haha oops.

Well a lot has happened since then. Sort of. I got my final job offer in NYC and moved in with two random roommates who happen to be completely awesome and fun. I threw out my scale and decided to measure progress by how my clothes fit.

I said I wanted to lose weight in July-- I have no idea of the actual amount I've lost, but my work pants are almost two sizes too big now. YAY. I'm walking a very thin tightrope right now though, and it worries me a little. I'm not trying to restrict unreasonably, but I am staying around 700-900 calories on weekdays and eating minimally on weekends. It's not so little that I can't eat things, but it still takes some planning to stay under budget. I'm just scared I'm going to get obsessive again. And then fall back into the binge cycle. Being around skinny people all the time does help.

Oy, I have a headache.

And the ex situation... well, it was going well for a while, he even wanted to come visit me. He came to NYC for Electric Zoo; we were supposed to meet for dinner and then go out for drinks while his friends went to the second night of the concert. And then less than an hour beforehand, he called and told me he was going to the concert. He wanted to reschedule for tomorrow. I had just bought a new outfit especially for dinner (I know, I know, whatever), was about to jump in the shower, was still in love with him but trying to decide if we were a good enough of a match to get back together. And then he flaked out. And got mad at me for being upset about it.

PEACE. OUT. So he made my decision for me, and that's that. He called to apologize two weeks after, and sounded so depressed and sad I couldn't even be mad. But I was not about to take him back. More than anything, he needs to figure himself out and become less of a head case before he dates anyone again (I know, clearly I'm not one to talk about head cases).

He was the first person I ever told flat-out that I struggled with an eating disorder. I didn't even know how powerful talking was until that moment, and I have him to thank for that. And now that a month has gone by, I do miss him, I just... I don't think we're meant to be together. I need a little more Tender Loving Care in my relationships, and I think he secretly still wants to fuck date a bimbo or five. And I don't think he'll ever quite be the TLC guy I need him to be.

But, I am skinnier. And therefor happier. But I wish this headache would go away.

fuck

And, I just purged.

Fuck, again.

I only make myself puke when I am both drunk and depressed. Which nowadays, whenever I have a drink, I am. I knew I stopped drinking for a reason.

At least I got rid of that taquitos curiosity. Ugh. Never again.

hello fat again

My boyfriend and I broke up. At first, I couldn't eat. A welcome idea that I didn't even appreciate at the time because I was too busy being miserable. Now I'm still miserable, but the original sadness has worn off and now I'm only sad as I'm falling asleep or when I wake up... leaving eating times completely open to all food temptation.

I hate my body. I hate it. I want to be skinny, I want to be beautiful, and I want to be so amazing that no  one could ever bear to leave me (obviously, I'm not over the breakup.. I accept, yet refuse to get over it yet). I need to get rid of 15 pounds at the very least. It's not hard to do at all, and I just need to get off my fat fucking ass and do it. I need to run again.

My ex misses me. We broke up because 8 hours apart is just too far for him, and I don't fault him for that, I just... I wish we had run this into the ground and ended up hating each other. It would have been easier to have something concrete to hate and think of  whenever I felt sad. Now, I'm pretty sure we're both just depressed and missing each other. For the record, he has called me about twice a week. Every time I tell myself to be strong and not pick up the phone, he calls literally a half hour later. I don't know how he knows/does it/maybe it's just coincidence? but it's happened three times now. I don't know.

He's gained weight. Not a lot, maybe five pounds, but still. I've lost 2 lb since we broke up.

It's sad that this it what I'm measuring our breakup by. I'm heartbroken.

I'm also drunk.

Oops. Wine has calories. Right now I don't give a flying fuck.

142.6

Fuck. I broke my Lent rule. I gave up eating livestock for Lent (i.e., pescatarian), and it hasn't even been hard for me; there are plenty of veggie and fish options around. Tonight though, someone offered me a chicken nugget and without even thinking I absently took a bite of one. GRRRR so mad at myself.

In better news: I created a pretty great weight training program. So far I've sort of stuck to it... in any case it's getting me to the gym more often. I'm fasting for the next five days until we leave for spring break though. I just need to get rid of four or five extra pounds.

Oh also, the posting weight is probably BS. My scale is def broken. I'm sort of going by waist measurement too: 27.75" this morning.

So scattered right now. I'll follow up with a better post sometime soon.

144ish...?

I'm pretty sure my scale might be broken... because I measured my waist, and it's a half inch smaller than it was when I weighed 142 a few weeks ago. Or maybe weight training is paying off??

I sat down this weekend and came up with an ass-kicking weight program. Muscles burn more calories, and I'm tired of flabby arms and abs. BUT, the all-important impending deadline is two weeks away: spring break. I just ordered a bikini, and my goal is to have dropped to at least 140 by the time it comes in. I can definitely do it. I've been very good and healthy up til now, so it shouldn't mess me up too badly.

Before my morning workout, I'll have a piece of toast or a banana. After, I will have a special K protein bar. After that, I can have whatever raw fruits and veggies I want (bananas are limited to 1). And lots of water. LOTS of water. I never realized until today just how much fluid I can put down if I set my mind to it-- in hopes of curing a UTI, I drank an entire bottle of sugar-free cranberry juice in under 2 hours. That is a lot of juice. I think I cured myself :p Oh, and it was worth the 400cal for the whole thing... UTI's are unbearable and I hate them with all of the passion in my body.

Kay. I worked out twice today, am sleepy bunny. I'll check in later in the week.

byeee

???

I'm afraid to get on the scale...

But I have to do it tomorrow morning. It will motivate me to be less fat. I can't decide what eating plan I want to do. I either want to try the Dukan again (last time was a failure) or try a "whole foods" diet-- only eating whole, unprocessed foods like fruit/veggies, oats, eggs, chicken breasts, etc. Basically if it has more than one ingredient (besides spices), I won't eat it. I think this sounds like the best option, since there isn't exactly an abundance of lean protein available 24/7. I might add plain greek yogurt as the only multi-ingredient safe food, since it's good for you and the creamy texture makes me feel like I'm eating something naughty and delicious.

Dear lord. I'm going on spring break in three weeks, my half-year anniversary with my boyfriend is in two, and I just need to not be fat in general. Time to start concentrating on weight loss again; I've realllllly been slacking off.

random, plus side of birth control: my boobs have finally grown into a C... I've always wished they were just a little bit bigger :) Ironically, they're bigger now than they were when I was at my highest weight.

Oh. And something really intense happened two weeks ago.

Like, super intense.

My boyfriend and I were lying awake talking like we always do before bed, and we started getting on really emotional subjects. All of a sudden, I started crying-- I was thinking about this stupid obsession with food and weight. This happens to me occasionally, but I've never told anyone the real reason I'm upset. And I don't know how, but somehow... the truth just came out. I told him about everything, except for the fact that it's not over with, and I felt like this huge weight came off me. And he held me so tight and cried with me and said exactly the right things. He's the only person I have ever told, including my ex, who freaking lived with me for the worst of it and never noticed anything. He told me if I ever needed to talk about anything, to come right to him.

That night made me love him so much more. No one else in the world (well, except for people reading this blog) knows about my problem, except for him. I had no idea having someone to go to would make me feel this much better. I mean, obviously I'm not better like I convinced him I was, but when I'm ready to confront this once and for all-- I know he'll be there for me. And that's a wonderful thought.

12/23/11. Ew.

I feel absolutely disgusting. And FAT. Fat as a freaking rhinoceros.

I have eaten probably around 7 or 8 cookies today. Buttery, sugary cookies, with chocolate chips, ROLLED IN MORE SUGAR. I ate all my meals very healthily, everything was veggies except for the half of a small angus burger patty. But I went out of control with the snacking, like seriously out of control disgusting. I just feel fucking fat. Ugh. I HATE COOKIES I WANT TO THROW UP. But then everyone will hear me... so no puking. It's a terrible habit anyway. But god dammit I really want to. At least I haven't gotten to the point where I'm sneaking out to our backyard to vom... I used to do that when I lived at the beach and pretend I was going for a walk. Extra fucked up.

On a different, sort of funny note, my brother totally called me out today. "All you do is bake. And you don't even eat what you bake, you just make everyone else eat it and get fat."

...exactly.

12/21/11

Well today just started off fucking miserable.

I always wake up and check my emails, and this morning there was one from the housing director of our sorority house. Apparently, she went into my (LOCKED) room, and saw the champagne bottle and beer can left over from when I turned 21 last week. Alcohol isn't allowed in the house, but everyone drinks anyway we just keep it in our rooms. And you know, I assumed that if I locked the door to my personal living space, I would be okay.

WRONG. Nationals is fining me $400 because our housing director reported it. Four-hundred fucking dollars that I do not have. For having alcohol. Even though I'm 21. So I obviously had to tell my parents, and I'm considering just telling Nationals to piss off, but then they might kick me out of the house and I don't want them to come down hard on anyone else either. This whole mess is just ridiculous and stupid. And that is a RIDICULOUS amount to pay for an alcohol fine, when the person being fined is of age. My boyfriend is helping me write an email asking them to reduce it. But I still sort of want to tell them to fuck off, I'll find my own apartment and move the fuck out. And at least then I'd get better meals, since our chef fucking sucks and is gross.

Ughhhh. Sorry, I just needed to rant. At least the stress is keeping me from eating. And I love my hipbones today.

12/20/11

Today I was SO good. I had... well, probably upwards of 4 cups of coffee to start my day, and didn't eat anything until around 3, where I ate half a small clementine. Then my best friend from grade school came over, so we chatted and I ended up having a whole clementine around 5 (pretty sure my dad ate my half from the other one haha oops). So... 52.5 calories before dinner. Woo!

For dinner we had pork chops, which are 250 calories for a small piece when baked, but I didn't eat all of mine, and then of course I ate all my steamed broccoli and very little of the potatoes. So today is actually under 400 calories so far!

Mmm... fuck. Well this has quickly gotten back to the old ways; I'm surprisingly still very skilled at not eating. I'm worried I'm going to fall back into the cycle though... just have to ease myself off restriction slowly, so I don't binge. I don't ever want to go through that again. I felt worthless literally all the time.

I still didn't go for a run today... I know, bad me, but at least I've gotten my eating under control right? I think I may end every post this break with how much I miss my scale... scale, we were never meant to be apart. I'll do anything. Forgive me?

*edit* just had 1/2 c canned pumpkin with some spices because I thought it would taste like pumpkin pie. WRONG. Vommm.

12/19/11

Here's to the month-long spree of not having a scale! I started out today wanting to fast, and it wasn't hard at all. I broke it because I didn't feel like coming up with excuses at dinner, so I made some vegetables to fill up on before my mom got home-- so I wouldn't eat as much at dinner.

I counted calories today for the first time in ages, love it I need to keep doing it. It really keeps me from mindlessly snacking. I totaled at 635 calories today, not too bad, and it would have been less if I hadn't made a dessert off a health nut blog. What can I say... I'm addicted to baking. It was really super-healthy in a normal mindset-- basically semisweet chocolate and pureed pumpkin. But I still wish I hadn't eaten it, I'd be under 500 for today. Oh well. And I made a 100 calorie soy latte before I decided to break my fast... REALLY wish I hadn't drank that, I definitely could've just drank tea. (I've had around ten cups today anyway, one more wouldn't hurt).

Let's see, tomorrow... I will eat my veggies, and egg white with toast again. Maybe I'll skip dinner. I really want to go out with my friends, so I might say I'm going out to eat, and then just meet them at the bar and tell them I already ate. Save calories for the wine :]

FUCK I WANT MY SCALE

Emotional dependancy on an object... probs not healthy dontcareiwantitnow

but wait

I lied. I want to fast tomorrow. And Tuesday if I can. I was just going through the catacombs of my blog sunce I can't sleep, and found this post. It's from a little under 2 years ago, and I was at the same weight I'm at now. Funny how that is, huh? But whatev. Fasting for 2 days with exercise will def drop me at least two pounds.

143 (?)

The question mark being, I left my scale at school over break. At the time it seemed like a great idea-- "Won't it be great to go back and see how much weight I lost??!" But now I'm freaking out; I feel like I've eaten so much and I've had TWO mini- to full-on binges since I've been home. I HAVEN'T BINGED IN MONTHS. God dammit, I'm having a mild freak-out and I wish I had my scale. It would really help me calm down... wow this is sad.

I know it's bad, but I've started trolling around the old pro-ana sites I used to go to. I just want to get rid of these pesky 8 (or 15...) pounds, and I want them gone now. If I just restrict well over break, it should be so easy to get rid of the extra weight.. but ugh WHY THE FUCK AM I BINGEING AGAIN??? Seriously. Fucking gross, I thought I was over and done with that shit.

Anyway. Enough ranting for one post. Time for planning out my weight-loss break. Each week, I want to create a new resolution and stick to it. For the first week, my rule is going to be...

(dun dun dunnnn)

NO EATING AFTER 8PM.

This will effectively kill the binge monster that's reared its fucking ugly head again. I only binge when everyone else is asleep and can't see me... and that's after 8. So no food for you, fuck you fatso binge monster.

I also want to get back into running form. This is mostly what will keep the weight off. So tomorrow, I want to run a nice long 5.5 mile route. Ambitious, you say? Yeah probs, but I have all day and nothing to do, so I'm going to punish my body for getting out of shape. Also, I can tell my boyfriend likes me skinnier (duh, who wouldn't) and it's really motivational. He couldn't stop staring at me before we left :) Not that it's any reason to stop now. I want to go back from break at least 8lb lighter, and that means running every day (I'll give myself 5 skip days, that's one a week plus one extra).

So tomorrow, I'll put up my skip day stickies and go for a run. Every time I skip a workout I have to take away a sticky-- I respond to visual shit like that. And every other day, it's a distance workout. Of course, two of those stickies will go for driving to and from the cabin, so in reality I only have three "lazy day" stickies. And I'm going to count skiing as working out; I'll just go at a vicious pace. great thigh workout.

Hum. Okay getting sleepy.

GOD DAMMIT WHERE IS MY SCALE. I neeeeeeed it :(

143.8

Boom. Wooo! Forgot to mention I almost did full raw yesterday, minus some chocolate (ultimate weakness), a little pasta, and a greek yogurt. I am pleased. I'll prob come back on here later so I can motivate myself before dinner... always an issue.

**edit** hahaha oops just realized I typed a 5 instead of a 4 for my weight... god. Never letting myself get up there again, fucking gross.

144.6

Wow.

Sorry about the MIA status... life sort of took over for a while. Hence me only losing about 3lb. in three months (ick), but hey, at least I'm not gaining. The thing is... I haven't been restricting. Like, at all. I pretty much have eaten whatever I wanted, in smaller sizes, and if I feel like I've been too out of control then I have a more restrictive day-- but I still eat plenty. It's really been good for my self-image; I'm so much happier and I hardly think about how fat I am.

In other news... that date I posted about a few months ago? We've officially been dating for three months now :) I love him. He is so sweet, and tries so hard to make me happy. siuhgiuhbifb. So happy :) But now I've decided I want to get skinnier for his birthday (in January). I guess guys like bones, because whenever we're lying together he runs his hands over my ribs and hipbones, just like my ex did. (side note: RIBS AND HIPBONES HAVE SURFACED ONCE AGAIN YAYYYY). But yeah, time to kick it into high gear for a bit.

Oh, also I want to lose 2-3lb by next Monday. I finally turn 21, fucking finally. I've been doing research on raw diets, and I definitely want to try it for at least the next few days. Basically, I'd eat raw fruits/veggies for all meals, and for one meal I can also have a fat-free greek yogurt, raw oats, protein bar, or some other lean protein source. And if our chef makes veggie soup, also that. (it's freaking cold up here, give me a break).

Well yeah. WOO HIPBONES :)

147.6

I'm back at school now and things are going crazy here. Life is in full swing-- I went on a date tonight (AHHHHIVDFHBILHSFG), he's literally the sweetest guy ever. I went to Dayglow two nights ago, which was a great workout haha, I danced hardcore, non-stop, for four hours. I've been eating very well up until today (we had chinese for dinner, not that I'm complaining, I would eat McDonalds with this guy and be happy about it). Having a chef is AWESOME, and he always makes tofu or chicken which is great, since I'm a big fan of both. I absolutely love living in the sorority house, it's so much freaking fun and people are around all the time.

I want to keep losing weight, so it's back to the running grind tomorrow. I'm so behind on my training, blegh. Time to step it up! 8 miles tomorrow, I can totally do it. Right? Right. Fuck.

Oh also I want to fast on Tuesday. Nummmmmmm

149.4

I kept meaning to post this week, and every time I was about to sit down and write somebody came poking their nosy nose over my shoulder. GRR. Anyway, it's been a fairly good week, up and down a little bit, but I am feeling happy, well-fed, and weight is still (slowly) coming off.

I'm up to running 6 miles now, although today I took off because I left all my packing until the very last day I was home. Dumbdumbdumb. I've been packing all day, aside from an hour-long break to go to the salon and get attacked in the nether regions with wax and cloth strips (waxing, in case anyone didn't get that. I don't know how much sense I'm making right now, sort of loopy/tired).

Shoot. I can't remember if I posted this, but last Thursday I said goodbye to my now ex-boyfriend. I only cried a little bit in the car after, although I was pretty sad. He said I cried too much once, so I've been trying to keep it together around him.

***ahahaha defffffinitely just fell asleep for a second. It is not even 11PM yet, seriously???! Welp I'm to the cabin for two days before I move into school, no post til Sunday :) byebyebye!

150.4

Umm, hmm. I ended up breaking fast yesterday, not too bummed about it... I decided to have several cups of straight green tea, which always makes my empty stomach feel nauseous, so I cooked up some tomatoes, broccoli, zucchini, and mushrooms. DELICIOUS. I do not regret that decision at all. I also had a small piece of wheat toast, and a bite of meatloaf. The fact that I only had a bite is monumental: my mom's meatloaf is my absolute favorite thing ever.

Today I was scheduled to have an easier running day, so I only went 3.5 miles, awkwardly bouncing past an entire construction crew on the uphill part. I did my ab workout also. For breakfast I had some steel-cut oatmeal with flax seeds and flax meal (apparently you can only digest ground flax seeds, but I like the texture of the whole seeds so I put both in), probably 150-200 calories. After my run I had some OJ with airborne because my throat is getting sore, around 60 calories, and I just finished up a delicious salad around 25 or 30 calories. Gotta love that 10-calorie dressing. WOO.

Hrm. What else? Today is the day my boyfriend leaves, so this is really our last goodbye before we go our separate ways. It's weird, I don't know how to feel. Normally I'd be an emotional wreck, and I'm not sure why I'm so calm about it this time.

Oh, also I'm addicted to twitter, and have been sorely neglecting facebook. Sorrrrry FB. #tweettweet #soaddicting #forrealz

151

Hmm, scale is a little better today... I'm still mad I'm in the 150's, but I have lost ten pounds over the summer, and it's been a healthy weight loss so I'm positive I can keep it off. But I want to be closer to 140 when I get back, so I made a decision. I will fast twice a week until I move in at school. Cleansing.

Today I'm back on track with my running schedule, I still ran over what I'm supposed to (to make up for not working out at the lake). Total: 5.7 miles. And today is my fast day, so I've had two cups of coffee, about 2L of water, and a 150cal protein shake after my run. Normally I consider protein shakes to break the fast, but I don't want to lose any of the small muscle mass I've built up with weight training.

Also: I'm starting to get abs again!!! There's still a gross layer of fat that needs to gtfo pronto, but there's absolutely some definition there :] The workout I got is from Women's Health, linkie here in case anyone still reads my blog and wants to give it a try. I'm two weeks into the workout, although I do try and do sit-ups every morning as well (I've been slacking recently, so I think the abs peeking through are mostly due to the Women's Health thing).

All in all, seems like a fairly good day! No food yet, filling up my 3rd liter of water from the tap as soon as I post this, and I'll probably have two or three cups of detox tea just to even things out (and perhaps help with the no-poo situation... GRRR).

Guess that's it for now!

152

Constipated : (

I ate a good bit of cheese and bread on the trip (read: SANDWICHES), which I don't really eat that much of normally... hence, I feel stopped up and heavy. Ugh. I was so regular for a while too! Back to random pooing I guess.

K done with the TMI. I went right back out today and ran 5.5 miles, and it was suprisingly easy. I'll account most of it to the cool weather, because I certainly didn't do much while I was on vacation. I was active though! I learned how to waterski, which was SUPER fun, and did a lot of kayaking-- once at a relatively easy pace with my friend and her mom, and once at high intensity around the circumference of the lake while everyone else went golfing. It's actually a pretty decent ab workout if you have proper form :)

The boyfriend and I decided to see other people when we both leave for school. I was so nervous to say it to him, and he ended up agreeing completely with me and it absolutely could not have gone any better. I'll probably be a little sad once we leave, but I think it's a good decision.

Hopefully my run today got a bit of my water retention down-- working on hydrating with my third liter of water as I'm typing this. For dinner I had a spinach and egg white omlette with a massive side of mixed veggies, soooo delicious. I was vegetable-deprived all weekend.