Realization

I don't ever want to go back to where I was a mentally before a few months ago. I like what I'm doing now. I feel okay about things-- I'm generally not terrified to have a bit of bread, or meat (last summer I was convinced meat was the devil incarnate).

One time at the end of last summer, my mom made pancakes for dinner. I was terrified. I almost cried at the table. I cut up and pushed them around my plate, taking huge gulps of water and talking more than I ever do at the table. Anything to keep that mess of sugar and carbs out of my mouth. My whole family watched me duke it out with two pancakes. My sister intervened as I was mutilating the second one: "Are you going to eat or just mash it up?" The table went quiet for a second. I snapped at her, ate a bite, and left the table.

I never, ever want to struggle like that again.