152.2

Been absent for a few days... wow. I had a few binge-y days, pretty gross but *fingers crossed* not too much harm done, so far. I rand 4.5 miles yesterday and walked 2.6, and today I ran a fairly hilly 3.6 miles. Calorie counts have been meh, I didn't count them but today's probably ended up between 900 and 1500 (I know, real precise range there).

I had a breakthrough with my boyfriend. We were upstairs watching tv with his sister and she went to take a shower, and of course his massage turned into a go for sex and I sort of shut him down like I've been doing recently, and he called me out on it. Not in a mean way, just in a "what's going on with us lately" way. And it just sort of spilled out-- I told him I felt gross when he touched me, that I didn't feel like he deserved me, that I didn't feel pretty around him and felt like he was always imagining someone else when we did it because I was disgusting. Well, actually just the first part. But the rest was implied. I'm not really sure how he took it, but he held me so close-- literally, I was squished in his arms for an hour being nuzzled.

I love him. Why did I try to push him away?

And where the fuck is my sex drive? Oh yeah, at 140 lbs.