mehhh.

This weekend travelling with L has finally got my head on straight. Who does she think she is? The entire trip, she had to make sure EVERYONE ate more than her. Like one time I wasn't feeling well (slash wanted to show her up) so I waited until everyone else ordered lunch and then jsut got a coffee--- I had to hear about how bad that was, not eating lunch blah blah blah throughout the entire afternoon. She eats like two pieces of fruit a day. And she has no fucking clue what I can and can't do. This summer I ate under 300 calories while running up and down the beach hauling umbrellas for 8 hours a day, and she thinks I can't handle skipping lunch.

I think I'm secretly bitter because she eats less. But she isn't even that skinny! I don't see her during the week, so I want to lose ten pounds in the next two weeks and scare the shit out of her. She's not the only one who knows how to skip meals. I refuse to be the fat one. I need to be the skinniest. She turns every meal into this secret competition and she doesn't know she's about to get fucking blown out of the water. Unlike her, I'm not forced to eat pasta at dinner every night, and I plan to use that.

Tomorrow, I will drink a bottle of water during the day. Tea for lunch if I'm home. Dinner is steamed broccoli, and I can't wait (I loveeee broccoli!!! And I haven't had it in so long ugh). After I get my food stipend from the school I can get some better essentials, eggs for egg whites/protein, tomatoes, and SPINACH nnumnumnum. And a think of diet coke :) for dessert when I've been good. I need to cook someone the rest of the pasta in my cupboard so I don't eat it.

I want her to see how skinny I can be. I'm so much better at this than her-- she thinks she's so good and secretive and I can see exactly what she's doing because I've done the same fucking thing. I watch her watch everyone else eat, and I know she's keeping track of what everyone else consumes. If she slips up, she convinces everyone else to eat even more, so she's still well under what they've consumed.

Two can play at this game you uptight little robot. And unlike you, I know how to win. And that's by being the thinnest and NOT letting everyone know what I'm up to because I want attention. I just want to beat you, because I hate you, because I think I secretly want all the attention you get from your eating habits.

This is one fucked up post.