Starting the Dukan Diet today. It's the first diet I've tried with strict long-term plans... i.e., not just a two week cleanse or what have you. And I'm not much of a dieter anyway, more of a restrict-binge-cry-restrict kind of girl. Supposedly this is what Catherine Middleton did to lose wedding weight, not that she's why I'm doing it haha. I was going to do the same thing except with vegetables, but that normally makes me irritable... perhaps protein will do the trick.

Basically for the first two weeks, you can only eat lean protein. So I bought tunafish and a shit-ton of eggs. Plus two protein bars, but I already ate them. Wow actually was such a fat-ass move... no wonder I'm huge. Although, the calorie count is the same as pop-tarts, which I have also eaten before, so I guess at least it has better nutritional value.

Anyways... first two weeks, lean protein. Then you alternate all-protein days with protein and veggie days, non-starchy ones obviously. And then you just... stay on that, until you reach target weight!

Woop. Today went as good as it was going to go, since I'm running on two hours of sleep. Protein bars, an egg, and tuna came to 630 calories... damn. At least it's less than what I've been eating, ugh. I can't even step on the scale right now, I'd probably have heart failure. Maybe in a few days.

Meh, yesterday and the day before.... drinking=eating. Ugh, so frustrating. But I haven't eaten anything besides the drunk food, so at least there's that.

Hahaha, interesting experience Wednesday night. So I obviously didn't eat anything all day or the days before really, and a few guys came over to celebrate my roommate's 21st birthday. Eventually we all went back to their frat--had to wait for the pledges to finish getting hazed. poor pledgies :(( So then we just proceed to get rip-roaring drunk, my friend and I were playing beer pong for about 5 straight games, and I was feeling great, that perfect silly happy drunk. Well, I was trying to finish my beer before the other team took their next shot, and I feel a burp coming-- except SUPRISE, not a burp, a little puke comes up. Oh, should probably warn you TMI haha. Well it was only us four girls and then the brothers, and I didn't want to be the dumb puking girl, so I tried swallowing it (I know, gross). Nope, just keeps coming up! I didn't feel sick or anything, it just wouldn't stop, so I quickly walked out their front door, puked, and ran back in. Weird-- guess my stomach likes some food with its beer. No one noticed, so I proceeded to keep drinking, and then smoked. STEALTH PUKE. That's the first time I've vommed from drinking in like... almost a year? Go me.

Yay college.

No eating.

EDIT AS OF SAT MORNING: bahahahaha spoke too soon. Apparently my poor little stomach is getting used to upchucking... at Olympics I puked everywhere (also, on my big. hahahahahaha) after doing several 40-second wine chugs. I'm having a hard time remembering that I can't go out as hard when I don't eat.... damn you competitive streak.

Dude, something is seriously weird with me. I've barely been hungry all day-- haven't even thought about food, which feels incredible. A day hasn't passed in over two years now where I don't think about eating, and I feel so amazing. I don't know how to describe it. I don't feel skinny, but I definitely don't feel miserable! Which is also good, because I look like a fucking cow haha.

I think I just contradicted myself, hum. Whatever. What a long road I have ahead.

Hmm, so this is becoming, what... a once-a-month update for me? Boo. Well let's have at it I guess, I started a two-week fast today, I had six small almonds to get rid of a headache and some Detox Tea, along with a ton of water. This coming weekend is going to be crazy, I really need to be careful with drinking since I won't be eating. On Friday, we have the annual Sisterhood Olympics, FAVORITE NIGHT EVER. Basically we split into teams, and each team has two thirties, a big bag of weed, and a pizza to finish. It's a race, my team tied for first last year (tie, because there were discrepancies... by the time everything is finished, everyone is shit-housed and nobody remembered who finished first haha). Sort of worried, smoking always killlllls me, but whatever. It comes once a year, and so much fun!!! The night after is initiation, so I'll stay fairly sober to watch out for grand-little and make good decisions for her.

Meh. Not much else to say. I'm not really that hungry, which is weird.

Hum. I guess today wasn't too bad. I ate a little more than I should have, but I guess it was still a good day. I had the last of the cabbage soup, a cup of broccoli, three palm-fulls of oyster crackers, a cup of diet hot chocolate (25cal) and a fudge heart (BAD). Meh... could have done better. This weight isn't going to lose itself.

I need to start drinking before bed. I'm having such issues falling asleep.

This weekend went quite well. Went to the gym every day except today (because of so much work... barf). Also ate very minimally, pretty sure I never went over 200 cal except friday, that was probably in the 300's. I have no clue how much I'm losing, which is sort of frustrating, but at least I've been able to stay on track.

Tomorrow I really need to sleep in. I've been trying to get up early and it just doesn't work. Also, I'm up and it's almost 2am. I should go to the gym in the morning, but I kinda want to just paint. And then go to the gym afterwards. I hate going when everyone's there, but oh well. Sacrifices for sleeping in.

Today we had chapter dinner, and I ate plain lettuce and the steamed vegetables. I've pretty much stopped caring what everyone else thinks... I don't care if they notice if that's all I eat. I'm sick of being so careful about what other people are thinking. Also, I hope there's nothing bad for you in broccoli. Because I've probably eaten about two to three heads of it over the past four days.

Time for sleeping... I wish I had a scale to track progress :/ I'll weigh myself at the gym tomorrow if nobody's in the locker room.

Last night I was on the phone with my boyfriend-- I was buzzed, but he was more drunk. I was telling him about my night, blah blah I stayed in, got drunk because I hadn't eaten dinner, made myself a mushroom-spinach-and-swiss egg white omlet. Here's the convo from that point on:

him: There's not even meat in that! I'd be so skinny if I ate that.

me: yeah, but the egg has protein..

him: why don't you ever eat meat? (pause, then says in silly voice) Are you skin and bones?

me: no! not at all! (true life. fuck) and I do eat meat! I have fish and eggs and chicken!

him: you must be skinny.

me: no... I will be eventually though. I mean not skin and bones because that's gross (lies).

him: you looked so good this summer.

me: I know... I got so fat in italy (laughing to avoid crying). Like seriously.

him: (laughing, and then long pause) why would you say something like that?

me: (laugh to make it sound like I'm not attacking him. I'm attacking me) See you can't even deny it! I'll be skinny again soon.

him: just laughs...

I'm glad he was drunk. OR at least more than I was. I think he worries about my eating a little sometimes, but I've never gotten to the point where he should be worried so I think he ignores it. Because (dun dun duhhhh) point of the conversation: HE LIKES ME SKINNY!

So I'm fasting until Spring Break when I see him. Two weeks. I need to get a water bottle so I don't die. Or pass out (more likely). But I'm not any thinner-- I STILL DON'T HAVE A FUCKING SCALE AHHHHH. I'm going by waist measurement I guess. I'm going shopping for big-little week this weekend so maybe we can swing by target and I can get one. Not that I even want to know what I weigh right now.

I'm also going to the gym every day. No excuses. I get TWO skip days from now until spring break... that will probably be Tuesdays, since I have class from 8:30am until 10pm and trying to squeeze the gym in there would rush my workout.

I just need to keep that in my head. He couldn't even deny that I was fat. Yet he still calls me beautiful. He is the most loving supportive amazing boy I have ever met. He likes me better skinny and is too sweet to say it.

Oh sigh. My head is so fucked up. I look at a plate of food and think either (a) I'm not eating any of that, or (b) I'm eating all of that and then going through my fridge and eating everything in sight. Fuckkkk this.

Skinny. Two weeks. How many inches equals 20 pounds? That's an impossible goal, I'm setting myself up to fail, but if I work super-hard maybe I'll get somewhere close.