I am really scared.

I think I gained weight. That's not what's scaring me.

I'm scared I'm going to start binging again. It happened tonight. And last night. And the two days before that.

How many times do I have to go through this?

I want it to stop.

I sort of want to talk to someone about it.

Oh Life

Hmm, forgot I posted that last one... I guess wine does that? haha oops.

Well a lot has happened since then. Sort of. I got my final job offer in NYC and moved in with two random roommates who happen to be completely awesome and fun. I threw out my scale and decided to measure progress by how my clothes fit.

I said I wanted to lose weight in July-- I have no idea of the actual amount I've lost, but my work pants are almost two sizes too big now. YAY. I'm walking a very thin tightrope right now though, and it worries me a little. I'm not trying to restrict unreasonably, but I am staying around 700-900 calories on weekdays and eating minimally on weekends. It's not so little that I can't eat things, but it still takes some planning to stay under budget. I'm just scared I'm going to get obsessive again. And then fall back into the binge cycle. Being around skinny people all the time does help.

Oy, I have a headache.

And the ex situation... well, it was going well for a while, he even wanted to come visit me. He came to NYC for Electric Zoo; we were supposed to meet for dinner and then go out for drinks while his friends went to the second night of the concert. And then less than an hour beforehand, he called and told me he was going to the concert. He wanted to reschedule for tomorrow. I had just bought a new outfit especially for dinner (I know, I know, whatever), was about to jump in the shower, was still in love with him but trying to decide if we were a good enough of a match to get back together. And then he flaked out. And got mad at me for being upset about it.

PEACE. OUT. So he made my decision for me, and that's that. He called to apologize two weeks after, and sounded so depressed and sad I couldn't even be mad. But I was not about to take him back. More than anything, he needs to figure himself out and become less of a head case before he dates anyone again (I know, clearly I'm not one to talk about head cases).

He was the first person I ever told flat-out that I struggled with an eating disorder. I didn't even know how powerful talking was until that moment, and I have him to thank for that. And now that a month has gone by, I do miss him, I just... I don't think we're meant to be together. I need a little more Tender Loving Care in my relationships, and I think he secretly still wants to fuck date a bimbo or five. And I don't think he'll ever quite be the TLC guy I need him to be.

But, I am skinnier. And therefor happier. But I wish this headache would go away.

fuck

And, I just purged.

Fuck, again.

I only make myself puke when I am both drunk and depressed. Which nowadays, whenever I have a drink, I am. I knew I stopped drinking for a reason.

At least I got rid of that taquitos curiosity. Ugh. Never again.

hello fat again

My boyfriend and I broke up. At first, I couldn't eat. A welcome idea that I didn't even appreciate at the time because I was too busy being miserable. Now I'm still miserable, but the original sadness has worn off and now I'm only sad as I'm falling asleep or when I wake up... leaving eating times completely open to all food temptation.

I hate my body. I hate it. I want to be skinny, I want to be beautiful, and I want to be so amazing that no  one could ever bear to leave me (obviously, I'm not over the breakup.. I accept, yet refuse to get over it yet). I need to get rid of 15 pounds at the very least. It's not hard to do at all, and I just need to get off my fat fucking ass and do it. I need to run again.

My ex misses me. We broke up because 8 hours apart is just too far for him, and I don't fault him for that, I just... I wish we had run this into the ground and ended up hating each other. It would have been easier to have something concrete to hate and think of  whenever I felt sad. Now, I'm pretty sure we're both just depressed and missing each other. For the record, he has called me about twice a week. Every time I tell myself to be strong and not pick up the phone, he calls literally a half hour later. I don't know how he knows/does it/maybe it's just coincidence? but it's happened three times now. I don't know.

He's gained weight. Not a lot, maybe five pounds, but still. I've lost 2 lb since we broke up.

It's sad that this it what I'm measuring our breakup by. I'm heartbroken.

I'm also drunk.

Oops. Wine has calories. Right now I don't give a flying fuck.

142.6

Fuck. I broke my Lent rule. I gave up eating livestock for Lent (i.e., pescatarian), and it hasn't even been hard for me; there are plenty of veggie and fish options around. Tonight though, someone offered me a chicken nugget and without even thinking I absently took a bite of one. GRRRR so mad at myself.

In better news: I created a pretty great weight training program. So far I've sort of stuck to it... in any case it's getting me to the gym more often. I'm fasting for the next five days until we leave for spring break though. I just need to get rid of four or five extra pounds.

Oh also, the posting weight is probably BS. My scale is def broken. I'm sort of going by waist measurement too: 27.75" this morning.

So scattered right now. I'll follow up with a better post sometime soon.

144ish...?

I'm pretty sure my scale might be broken... because I measured my waist, and it's a half inch smaller than it was when I weighed 142 a few weeks ago. Or maybe weight training is paying off??

I sat down this weekend and came up with an ass-kicking weight program. Muscles burn more calories, and I'm tired of flabby arms and abs. BUT, the all-important impending deadline is two weeks away: spring break. I just ordered a bikini, and my goal is to have dropped to at least 140 by the time it comes in. I can definitely do it. I've been very good and healthy up til now, so it shouldn't mess me up too badly.

Before my morning workout, I'll have a piece of toast or a banana. After, I will have a special K protein bar. After that, I can have whatever raw fruits and veggies I want (bananas are limited to 1). And lots of water. LOTS of water. I never realized until today just how much fluid I can put down if I set my mind to it-- in hopes of curing a UTI, I drank an entire bottle of sugar-free cranberry juice in under 2 hours. That is a lot of juice. I think I cured myself :p Oh, and it was worth the 400cal for the whole thing... UTI's are unbearable and I hate them with all of the passion in my body.

Kay. I worked out twice today, am sleepy bunny. I'll check in later in the week.

byeee

???

I'm afraid to get on the scale...

But I have to do it tomorrow morning. It will motivate me to be less fat. I can't decide what eating plan I want to do. I either want to try the Dukan again (last time was a failure) or try a "whole foods" diet-- only eating whole, unprocessed foods like fruit/veggies, oats, eggs, chicken breasts, etc. Basically if it has more than one ingredient (besides spices), I won't eat it. I think this sounds like the best option, since there isn't exactly an abundance of lean protein available 24/7. I might add plain greek yogurt as the only multi-ingredient safe food, since it's good for you and the creamy texture makes me feel like I'm eating something naughty and delicious.

Dear lord. I'm going on spring break in three weeks, my half-year anniversary with my boyfriend is in two, and I just need to not be fat in general. Time to start concentrating on weight loss again; I've realllllly been slacking off.

random, plus side of birth control: my boobs have finally grown into a C... I've always wished they were just a little bit bigger :) Ironically, they're bigger now than they were when I was at my highest weight.

Oh. And something really intense happened two weeks ago.

Like, super intense.

My boyfriend and I were lying awake talking like we always do before bed, and we started getting on really emotional subjects. All of a sudden, I started crying-- I was thinking about this stupid obsession with food and weight. This happens to me occasionally, but I've never told anyone the real reason I'm upset. And I don't know how, but somehow... the truth just came out. I told him about everything, except for the fact that it's not over with, and I felt like this huge weight came off me. And he held me so tight and cried with me and said exactly the right things. He's the only person I have ever told, including my ex, who freaking lived with me for the worst of it and never noticed anything. He told me if I ever needed to talk about anything, to come right to him.

That night made me love him so much more. No one else in the world (well, except for people reading this blog) knows about my problem, except for him. I had no idea having someone to go to would make me feel this much better. I mean, obviously I'm not better like I convinced him I was, but when I'm ready to confront this once and for all-- I know he'll be there for me. And that's a wonderful thought.